Im 14 and confused about sexuality, would like some help please

14 is the key age of puberty that can prove the toughest and strangest when it comes to hormones. I went through thoughts of crossdressing more than anything, but that included thoughts about men. Mostly I held firm to my love for women through it all (at the time), but things will be different for everyone. And I can empathize with your confusion, I totally get it. I'm going through that all now, actually. Sort of like a 2nd puberty.

Do you find yourself daydreaming about one more than the other.

 

Hey caraudioaddict,

What you are going through is completely normal. There is no rush for you to define your sexuality right now. Just try to go with the flow and understand what your body is telling you about your romantic and sexual attractions.

 

Completely normal. In time, you'll find your answer.
For now, I recommend just living the high school life. Do your homework. Join some sports.

But what will help you most of all is this. Try things.
Kiss some girls. Kiss some guys. Maybe go on a few dates. Then analyze how you felt doing those things.

It will most certainly take some years, so don't feel like you need to know right now. I mean, you're 14. You are just starting to have those kinds of feelings.

 

Hey caraudioaddict,

As I said, you mostly just need to listen to what your body is telling you. Have you had a crush on anyone yet?

Doesn't your school have an anti-bullying program?

 

Time is of the essence! Know that you don't have to start being sexually active... However enticing it may seem, let your feelings settle in


Edit: I'm speaking from experience :icon_wink

 

So caraudioaddict,

Here on EC, there are a couple of questions presented that can help us to better understand our own attractions. Those are: can you imagine yourself in a romantic relationship with a woman? With a man? With both men and women? When you masturbate (without using pornography) do you fantasize about women? About men? About both men and women?


Perhaps this thread can give you a little help, as well.
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/684-am-i-gay.html

Ultimately, only you can understand your own sexuality, but, in my opinion, it's mostly about recognizing the signals that your body is sending you about your attractions.

I hope some of that helps.

 

It seems hard, but really, you just need time, think it over in your mind or if there is someone you believe you can trust(of course, if your comfortable doing so). For whatever reason, my school has been covering stress-relievers, there are a bunch of free meditating apps/websites that may help with your stress part. Also, 14 is not out of the ordinary when it comes to questioning one's sexuality.

 

You can try to do activities somewhere else than at school. So you can meet new people. Don't be afraid to go toward people and feel confident about yourself. Not everyone is homophobic trust me. Everything will be alright.

 

That is very normal, too, caraudioaddict. We grow up in a heteronormative society and often have outside influences whether it is your religion, your culture or something else, which tells us that if we aren't heterosexual, something is wrong with us. It's not true, of course, but it can be a major obstacle for many of us as we try to understand our own sexuality. It can sometimes even lead to internalized homophobia where, even though we understand that we are LGBTQ people, we still have trouble accepting ourselves because we have been taught to believe that being LGBTQ is 'wrong.'

This is also one of the reasons that it's ridiculous whenever someone claims that being LGBTQ is a 'choice.' Being LGBTQ is much harder than being a cis-heterosexual person, so why would anyone 'choose' to be LGBTQ?

 

caraudioaddict, You have to remember that there is a whole world outside of Iowa, or in my case Minnesota. Only recently have I come to understand that there are a lot of caring people in the world. I know it is very hard to be able to be yourself in places like we come from but lying to yourself is not the answer. It will only serve to twist your insides until it is unbearable to hide any longer.

You are just beginning the journey of life, figuring yourself out, who your are and who you will become. You don't have to live up to anyone's dreams, only your own. You don't have to label yourself today, tomorrow, or even a year from now.

In a very short period of time the bullies in school won't matter anymore. Besides, the ones that shout the most sometimes are the ones hiding the most about themselves.

There is no certain way to have to act or be, just be yourself. If I walked down the street in your town you would never know this rough and tough country boy was gay. It just happens to be how I am.

I would urge you to come here and talk about your feelings and ask any questions you have. It IS a safe place. There are many people who have been through what you are going through and can help you to better understand yourself and your feelings.

Take Care
Dean

 

Awareness of your feelings is a good step, caraudioaddict. However, appreciating beauty isn't tied to your sexual orientation. Gay people can appreciate beauty in members of the opposite gender, they just aren't romantically or sexually attracted to them. Likewise, even though most straight people often don't like to admit it, they recognize and appreciate beauty in members of the same gender, even though they aren't romantically or sexually attracted to them.

 

I understand your occasional feelings of disgust at being attracted to guys, caraudioaddict. That is most likely internalized homophobia, as I said earlier. It will almost certainly go away once you understand and fully accept your sexuality.

You said that you always thought that you were sexually attracted to girls. That is common in our heteronormative society. Everyone is assumed to be heterosexual until they realize that they are not. So we naturally assume that about ourselves.

Just take your time.

 

Hey caraudioaddict,

As I said before, ultimately, only you can understand your own sexuality. Unfortunately, it is not something that you can change.

It sounds like your Dad is ignorant about homosexuality and would need to be educated on it, if you figure out that you are gay and decided to Come Out to him. Perhaps you would have to stay in the closet as far as your parents are concerned until you are an adult and are out on your own.

Safety is always a consideration when deciding whether or not to Come Out to someone. If your father actually thinks that sexuality is a choice and might want to send you to reparative therapy, that would be a key reason not to Come Out to him until you live on your own. Also, as you said there is a considerable amount of homophobia out there in society, but that is changing in a lot of places and people of younger generations like yours are generally much more accepting of others, regardless of their sexuality.

It almost sounds like you have a very good idea of what your sexuality really is, but are trying to fight it. It is also normal for LGBTQ people to go through the grieving process. In this case, you would be mostly grieving the ‘loss’ of your expectations of being heterosexual. As I mentioned before, most of us grow up being taught, whether through religious doctrine or just what society basically deems ‘normal’ that homosexuality is an aberration. When we start to realize that we are not ‘normal’ based on those influences, we might start to lose part of our confidence and our self-worth. We might feel that we are letting our parents and those we love down. But, of course, this isn’t true. We don’t choose our sexuality. We are who we were born to be and the way to deal with that (and honor our Maker, if you are a believer) is to live our lives being the best people we can possibly be.

There are 5 steps to the grieving process. First comes Denial: in this case, “no, I’m not gay.” Next comes Anger: “I hate this and I hate myself! Why can’t I just be ‘normal’ like most other people? Why ME!?!” Then comes Bargaining: “So, maybe I’m gay, but then again maybe I’m bisexual. But, no I’m certain I’m gay. Or am I…?” After that comes Depression: “I want to be ‘normal.’ I wish I was heterosexual. This sucks and I don’t think I could ever really live life as a homosexual. I know I can’t face my parents. I don’t even want to face society. I’m just going to hide somewhere until it goes away. Why did I have to be the victim of this cruel joke?” Until, finally, there is Acceptance: “Hmm… Maybe this isn’t as bad as I thought. Maybe I can accept my homosexuality, my same-sex attractions. And you, know what? My sexuality is just a part of who I am, but it doesn’t define who I am. I am going to be the person I was born to be and I will do amazing things with my life!” The steps don’t always occur for any given person in that order and people sometimes go back and forth among the steps.

I hope that makes sense to you.

---------- Post added 9th Mar 2017 at 09:40 PM ----------

Also, you may want to check out the YouTube videos by a gay Iowan who is a little older than you:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UClkvoP2HdZxBK5H_uH0TXYA