I was sure of my sexuality. I even got all flustered over a new girl at work yesterday. D told me to go take over for her so she could go on break and i didn't recognize her, which surprised me cause i usually at least see them shadowing. But immediately i thought she was hot and i thought that was so affirming cause yeah i'll check out girls in passing all the time...but a moment like that is rare. Buuuut then i heard mom and one of her clients talking about the gay moment that's supposed to be in the new Beauty and the Beast movie. It was really disheartening to hear. That client in particular is quite the talker but mom gets along with her well cause they're both very openly conservative and homophobic and such - their political views line up, essentially. I can't believe they're putting that out there in front of children. Kids don't need to see that. You can't have them seeing that and growing up thinking its normal, that its acceptable. Shit like that. I mean i've known for years mom doesn't truly see me and that she does not love me unconditionally, but this is like a different level. Its new to me and it actually hurts some. I mean i thought i was over the idea that I'll never be good enough for her - that i had accepted it. But this is something i have no control over. She doesn't know, she can't know. Its just sad cause growing up i was closest to her. But i guess looking back i was never truly as close as i thought i was. Hearing that made me wonder if they're right. If environment really did influence me to entertain the idea of liking girls. With how mom was always afraid of strangers, men especially, and raised me to be the same way. With how as a teenager i never could bring myself to be homophobic and read gay fanfics and such. For a moment i wondered if she really was right. Cause i never got girl crushes or thought i was checking out girls till i started wondering if i was gay...but i know i initially came to the conclusion that that was because i was repressing it. Cause i clearly remember noticing i was doing that in middle school and being ashamed by it, thinking it was wrong and inappropriate.
Yeah, I don't think your environment purely decides you are gay, since a lot of people have similar environments and are straight. You are probably doubting because of the homophobia you have to deal with, and it hurts coming from someone you care for. You want to please them.
I kinda wonder too sometimes, but if your environment does influence your sexuality I'm pretty sure I'd be straight as a whistle. Hetero stuff was everywhere, but despite buying into it and believing I was straight things somehow didn't end up that way. My mom was also scared of strangers, and I think a lot of women are taught to be cautious or skeptical of men, but that didn't make them like girls. I think we seek out gay fanfics and gay media because we are gay and something there resonates with us. I never really checked out girls (or if I did I thought it was normal) or had girl crushes either (besides getting kinda flustered around cute gay girls). In addition to repression, I think people feel their sexuality differently. I know I'm a brain over heart kinda person, so when I do feel attraction Im often able to mentally shut it out of I want. I'm sorry you have to deal with homophobia from someone so near to you. They have no idea what they're talking about, they've only been taught to fear people who aren't straight. It's ok to keep hurtful family members at a distance to take care of yourself.
