I have a friend who, while he is very accepting of the LGBT community, doesn't seem to understand where I'm coming from when it comes to sex and my sexuality. I've never been in a relationship, never been on a date, and I find it difficult to talk about myself in that way unless I'm inebriated in some way. A few questions that he has asked me on more than one occasion: "Do you like guys or girls?" "Do you think you'll end up with a guy or a girl?" and "Which genitalia is more appealing to you?" Now, as a bi person, these questions can be and are frustrating. Especially for me, because I'm not sure how to answer them in a way that he will understand. I don't expect him to fully understand, but I'd like him to at least understand that I am not as open as he is. The funny thing is, I have the answer to all three questions, I just blank out when he asks me. I'm terrible at thinking on the spot, I'm shy, and I'm worried I'll say something wrong and he'll get the wrong idea on what I'm trying to say. We were hanging out the other night and these questions came up again: "Do you like guys or girls?" -- Both. You know that. "Yeah, but do you think you'll end up with a guy or a girl?" -- Hesitant, I pause - I'm not sure. I'm just going to have to see where that goes. "Ok, but like, which genitalia is more appealing?" -- I'm not sure how to answer that. (followed by "Oh come on, you must have an idea. Just tell me. It's important to talk about this stuff" blah blah..) Truth is, my whole life up until a year ago, I believed I was straight. I didn't think that being anything other than straight could apply to me, despite me showing small hints that I may be into girls too. Even after accepting my bisexuality, my default is to think "In the end, I'm going to end up with a guy." However, while my honest answer to the "genitalia" question is "both," it's a bit more complicated than that. I know how the female works, and I'm far more comfortable in the presence of women (I've never had any close guy friends until this year). I know I don't have to have this figured out right now. I'm still young and I've got the rest of my life. I'm just not sure how to talk about this stuff, but I'd like to be able to.
Hi analogue, It sounds like you may not yet still quite understand and fully accept your own sexuality. It can be hard to discuss your sexuality with someone else when you are still on a journey of self-discovery. When we are still working to come to terms with our own sexuality, having the input of a strong friend or family member who thinks that they 'know' us better than we know ourselves can confuse the issue. In reality, only we can know our own individual sexuality. If you are comfortable with your own sexuality, you may just be the type of person who doesn't care to talk about their sexuality with anyone other than those that they are romantically involved with. If you really do want to talk to your friend about this stuff, but a just reluctant or shy to talk about it, maybe you could do much as you did here and write down your answers, then kind of rehearse what you want to tell him. That might help you open the door to talking to him the next time he asks these questions. If you actually just don't want to talk, then the next time he asks, maybe just be prepared to tell him that you really don't want to talk about this stuff with him and ask him to please just drop the subject. I hope some of that might help you.
I'd love to talk to him about it. We are pretty close, and I'm comfortable enough around him that I have no problem getting a bit more personal. We have both spoken up about this sort of stuff in the past, to a small degree. I've also had a sort of group-discussion about similar topics before with some close friends. I've actually done this before. I find it way easier to get my message/feelings across if I write it down. A (different) friend and I use to write letters back and forth about personal stuff, mostly because that's how I was comfortable talking. I came out to her through a letter. I also rehearse what I'd like to say often before I actually say it.
Hey analogue, So what do you think might be holding you back from being able to talk to him about this stuff?
In all honesty, I think its just my shy nature that's holding me back. I've never been comfortable talking about feelings or anything personal. I've changed a lot since I started university 3 years ago. I was quiet in high school, didn't know many people out of my friend group, and rarely spoke about myself or real-life topics/issues (we were a very nerdy/sci-fi oriented group of people). I've since met people who are fairly open about themselves, and who are open to talk about whatever. I'm still opening up to talking about myself in ways I've never really thought about before.
If you are comfortable with the idea of talking to him about this stuff, then, analogue, I would say that you probably just need to find some kind of icebreaker to start the discussion on this topic. Once you start to open up to him about this, I would imagine that it will become easier and easier to talk to him about it. You've said that you've found it easier to write things down before. If you do that and rehearse a little before-hand, do you think that might be enough of an icebreaker that you could start to open up to him?
Writing it down/rehearsing is probably the best way for me to open up. Once I'm "in," I'm sure it will be no problem for me to speak up. Thanks for the input/help! I really appreciate it!
Hello I'm just an old straight guy. My wife is bisexual. Out for 25 years now as bisexual. She's heard a few questions. Especially since we are wild children so she can satisfy her desires. Mary says your friend is being a jerk. Instead of answering, she says educate them on what bisexual means. Look up definitions, and put together a portfolio of information about bisexuality that isn't about you specifically. She loves the poster with pie charts showing different same and opposite sex attractions and arrows to them all as bisexual. She wears her bisexual colors and explains to people the blue is opposite sex attraction, the purple is both, and the pink is same sex attraction. She explains that bisexual means a bit of heterosexuality and a bit of homosexuality. Even today, after being out as bisexual for 25 years, Mary still lies to guys when they insist on asking her which genitals she likes best. That question makes her crazy. Every guy asks it. She just tells guys she likes boy parts best. The truth is Mary does not like male parts at all, but she knows the fragile male ego can't handle the truth. She says she feels like she should pat them on the head and say "Don't worry little boy, I won't insult your little parts." It really makes her mad when they ask that question, because it's been asked so often, and it seems to her so obvious it's just about trying to get their ego stroked. She just lies to get them to shut up. Yea, she talks to people a lot about sex. Mary is pretty edgy though. Be well
It's great that you have a friend you can trust and talk about some personal things with. But he is being an inappropriate clod here. You are obviously not comfortable discussing some aspects of your sexuality with him and he should back off. Perhaps he thinks that just because you've shared a few things with him he is entitled to know everything else. He also may recognize that you are shy and is clumsily trying to prod you into being more open. But, he needs to take the hint and drop it when you say to drop it. Next time he does it I'd suggest turning around and walking away from him without another word. Maybe that will help drive the message home.
