So for the last two months I have been dealing with the thought of whether i'm straight, bi, or in total denial. In january i started having anxiety problems and i thought i had stopped the issue. However, when i was online for some "researching" somethings on a not so friendly website, when i saw this ad with a anime femboy maid which i did not realize until.... well... i did the "business". Afterwards i felt so sick and couldn't get the thought of "am i gay?" Out of my head. I would learn some things that would help, but only for that day. You could say that it's HOCD but, before whenever i would think the words "i'm..." the word gay would fill the sentence. This had me thinking that am i gay? I have watched gay porn to see if that would do something but i wouldn't get a boner. I know that this wasn't the best solution but, i had to give it a shot. So this thought began to fill me with fear of whether or not i'm gay. Personally i want to be straight as through all of elementary, middle and most of high school i wanted to be with a woman. But all i want to know is that am i gay? Everytime i think of something gay or something i think is gay i get this spike of anxiety like pain and i get the feeling of punching myself in the face. I've done about 2-3 times and it only happens when i feel that something is very painful. I have felt suicidal before, but i'm not the type of person who'd actually want to die. These last two to three months have been the worst. I've seen others say how they wish to be like there old selfs and i do too but, i don't think that it'll be easy or even possible... I can accept that i could be bi, but, not gay. I want to have a wife and child. I know if your in a same sex relationship you can just adopted a child but, i don't want that. Truthfully i'm pretty sure that it's HOCD cause this has only been happening recently. It probably started in the ninth grade as i watched the anime baka and test.... i fell for the hideyoshi trap... that's what started started this problem i believe. There were some small incidents when i was a child but, throughout all i wanted to be with only women. And i still do. If anybody has some tups that i can use to get rid of these urges and thoughts please tell me. I don't want these feelings to stay. Thank you.
So put aside the gay question for a moment. Do you have the same sorts of obsessions and anxiety reactions about any other thoughts? Do you otherwise have bits of anxiety unrelated to this topic?
No, this is the only time i've felt these reactions towards this subject. When something bad would happen to me (other than this situation) it would stay with me for a little while, but, would just go away. This problem has grown on me as this is something that affects my thought process every day. I have other anxiety issues but this... this is worse than the others. This really stops me from doing much as the thought pains me and pushes me towards thinking about it more.
OK, then, this isn't cut-and-dried, at least from what you're describing. The fact that you have other anxiety issues points to an underlying issue with anxiety, which significantly impacts how you cognitively process information such as this. It's also important to dispel a perception: wanting to be straight has absolutely no influence whatsoever on whether or not you're gay. Every person who has ever dealt with the coming out process wanted to be straight. No one wants to be a part of a group that gets ridiculed and judged by society, has fewer rights, and so forth. So the real question isn't whether or not you feel anxiety when considering that you might be gay; anxiety is normal, and your anxiety could easily be exacerbated by the underlying anxiety issues. The more important issue is where does your (non-porn) sexual arousal lie? When you masturbate without porn, what creates stronger arousal, girls or guys? (Of course, even here... this can be complicated by the anxiety; if you're afraid of being gay, the anxiety could be getting in the way of arousal.) So trying out your sexual arousal with masturbation without porn will likely help. If it doesn't clarify, then you may need to consider therapy to work with the anxiety first, and then go into the sexual orientation piece.
