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Thoughts of same-sex when having sex with spouse

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Aj462, Mar 10, 2017.

  1. Aj462

    Aj462 Guest

    So, I think I'm either bi or gay (definitely not straight!), and just wanted to share an experience I have and hear from others.

    When having sex with my opposite-sex spouse, I often have same-sex thoughts pop into my mind. I don't actively conjure them up, and I dismiss them when they arrive and don't dwell on them. But they are there nonetheless. I imagine myself having sex with another man and not my wife. This scares me and I want to find out if other people experience sexual thoughts of other genders when having sex with their partner.

    Grateful for any comments and insight.

    Edit: it might be worth adding that noticing and acknowledging these same-sex desires is something that I've been conditioned to repress for years, and only the last 6 months have I started to acknowledge them in my consciousness, yet looking back over my life I can see that they have always been present.
     
  2. quebec

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    Aj462...Hi! Please don't feel like you are the only person that this has happened to! I have done this and have read a lot of posts that have mentioned the same thing. I'm not any kind of an expert and don't want anyone to think that I am. That being said, I think it's difficult to know for sure what this means. I'm not surprised that it scares you...it scared me. But then I knew I was gay, so I actually welcome it after I understood what was happening. I have seen the following suggestion here on EC quite a few times: Try for one day to think that you are gay. Look at guys, imagine yourself with them, etc. see how that works out. Take another day and do the same thing with only women in your thoughts. Then take a step back and analyze how that all worked out. It may very well give you an idea of where you really are. I would however, seek a lot more information about your sexuality before I used that little test to come to a final decision. There are many people here on EC that will try to help you and guide you. Let us know how your test turned out and I sure that many of us will be more than willing to share what we have learned....David
     
  3. beenthrdonetht

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    My screen name says it all in this case. I think it is not so unusual, based on what I read in (admittedly self-selected) online discussions. I was lucky enough to have some female partners who liked that fantasy and encouraged me to explore it.
     
  4. Aj462

    Aj462 Guest

    Thanks, David.

    As for your suggested test, I guess that I have been reflecting on this a lot over the last few months.

    I have tried to consider myself gay, and was really turned on by the idea. However, I do generally feel more drawn to 'notice' women than men, unless the man happens to be really handsome and in good shape, and in that case then I do feel a strong attraction to him and desire to be with him sexually. I don't see anything strange about being in a relationship with another man, and I think I would like it. My sexual fantasies mostly revolve around sex with other men, although I wonder if this is because I have the ability to fulfil my opposite-sex desire but not my same-sex desire. I think if I was with a man long-term I may start to miss the idea of intimacy with women, but I can't be sure as I've never experienced a relationship with another man.

    As for women, I do notice both attractive women and what society may deem to be 'average' women in terms of looks. I think that I am more drawn to a wider range of women than men (who I usually am only drawn to very handsome, fit types). I suppose that I can see myself in a potential relationship with a women, and of course I am in a real one at present with my wife.

    I guess part of my wonders whether my religious and societal heteronormative conditioning has led to me see myself with women as a possibility. Trying to separate this from the 'real' me is what I find tough. Am I only drawn to women because that's what I've been programmed to do? Or am I naturally drawn to both?

    Very confusing...

    Thank you. That's helpful to know. Do you find your sexual fantasies mostly revolve around on gender or both?
     
  5. quebec

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    Aj462 Hello again! From what you have written, I can see why you might be confused. As I said earlier, I am certainly not an expert. Your comment about conditioning could very well be true. While not as common as being gay, being bi-sexual is a definite possibility in your case. It seems to me that the services of a LGBTQ-Affirming Therapist/Counselor might be a good choice for you. Spending time with a therapist has made a world of difference for me. of course, finding the right therapist is the important part of that equation. How about contacting an LGBTQ Support group there in London for Therapist recommendations? Think about it, it surely made a difference for me.....David
     
  6. Aj462

    Aj462 Guest

    Yes, I think a LGBT therapist would be helpful for me to speak to. I have spoken to other counsellors before, but they do not specialise in sexual orientation.

    From your profile, you seem to be both gay and married to a woman? How does that work out for you both?

    Thanks again for the replies.
     
  7. beenthrdonetht

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  8. quebec

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    Aj462...Hi again and thanks for your response. Yes, I am gay and I am married to a wonderful woman...married for 37 years now as a matter of fact. In other posts I have written about my background/life, but I'll give you a quick, shorter version...:slight_smile:
    I realized I was different around age 8 but did not know what it was. By 10-12 I knew what was going on. At 15 I made the choice to "be" straight for the rest of my life. I wanted to be a teacher and I wanted to have a family, therefore I could not be gay! That choice remained in place for over 55 years. Needless to say, I was lying to myself. Because of that I went through terrible depression and a boat load of guilt and shame. I started teaching at 21 and got married at 27. I thought getting married and being intimate with my wife would "cure" me from being gay. HA! It just got worse. Nonetheless, I kept my marriage vows. Things kept getting worse and on Dec. 25, 2014 I had a crisis that finally forced me to admit to myself that I was gay. That night, here on EC was the first time in my life that I had ever written the words; "I am gay". Since then I have been working to learn who I am. On May 17th last year, through a flood of tears, I came out to my wife. She does love me and I do love her. We have stayed together. She is gradually working through her own issues with discovering after 37 years of marriage that her husband is gay. I say I love her, and I do...although I must admit that love is probably a little different than it would have been in a same-sex marriage. I know beyond any doubt that I am gay even though I have never been with another man in any way. Some may question whether I could be gay and never have been with another guy for all those years, but it is really true. I guess you could say that I am celibate-gay even though I did have relations with my wife and have three sons. I am embarrassed to admit that during intimate relations with my wife my mind was not thinking of her. That seems not to be unusual for guys in my position. I have found that there are a lot of guys (women too, I imagine) that have had the same experience as I had. When I was growing up 50's-60's being gay - homosexual then- really wasn't a very viable option, so most of us hid in the closet, like me, for a very long time.

    I hope this "short" explanation wasn't too long. If you have anymore questions..shoot them my way! :slight_smile: .....David
     
  9. Lost4

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    AJ once again you've pretty much summed up exactly what I am going through. I couldn't have said it better myself.

    I am also comfortable with the idea of being in a gay relationship, and find the thought pretty exciting. But its rare for me to see a male on the street and find him attractive, he pretty much has to be perfect. This is not the case with females, I tend to be less picky. I wonder if this pickiness has contributed to me not noticing my gay feelings until recently, as there are so few males I find sexually attractive. Or perhaps my unrealistic high standards will change if I come out and actually explore a gay relationship for myself. :eusa_doh:
     
  10. Aj462

    Aj462 Guest

    Thanks for sharing your story, David. I know what you mean about loving your spouse, as I do mine. It's what makes all of this so difficult, and I wish I had the freedom to resolve this when I was younger and unmarried.

    Hey Lost, hope you're ok.

    Do you think that perhaps you're more picky with your attraction to men because that's where your true orientation lies? This is what I've been considering lately. Maybe I have higher standards of men because that's where my true orientation is geared towards, and I notice most women because I am actually less drawn to them than the type of person I would ideally be with (if that makes sense)? What I can tell you is that on the occasion when I do see another guy that I am attracted to, I am very attracted to them, perhaps even in a way that I am not with women.

    From what I remember you saying, it seems that we have both had to deal with very heavy-handed religious pressure to conform to what constitutes an ideal relationship (straight/married/monogomous), and so I don't think it is that strange that I am able to appreciate and be drawn to women, even if that's not where my true desire is found.
     
  11. PanHedon

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    Nice to ser more guys similar to me, I am also not very picky with girls, I would love to have sex with an atttactive guy, but I have never meet such an specimen
     
  12. Mj5963

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    @aj, we have chatted before on other threads so if u remember I am married 57 with three kids 21-26,I have been having sex with guys for past 6 years or so and my wife found out late last year and Confronted me. I did not deny it and took full responsibility for the infidelity of which I am terribly remorseful and I have been in IC and we are in MC together.my work was with a gay affirming therapist who has a lot of married men on all different ends of the. Sexuality spectrum. My wife now knows all the details that she wants to know meaning when did it start , how , what did I do sexually (and I have done it all essentially too and bottom etc). We both love each other even despite the discovery of my sexuality (if. Have to label it would be not straight), and my infidelity. We are working on many things together and if I could do one thing over ,it would NOT been having sex withguys but it would have been me being honest with her about my sexuality. We have not been intimate for few years and while I have committed to her to have a monogamous marriage , I do think having sex that first time now will be something I am not sure how it will go. We shall see.
     
  13. Lost4

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    Hey AJ,

    Hows things? We haven't heard from you in a little while.

    I realised I never replied to your above question. The attraction question is complicated. I think long term exposure to gay porn, which often stars good looking masculine gay males has probably elevated my expectations. It is almost like I can't picture myself with someone who isn't a porn star. It is also years of programming to ignore males sexually and find females (of most sorts) attractive. There is also the argument that females tend to put more effort into their appearance, i.e make up, hair etc and have a tendency to wear more revealing outfits, which you see less in average looking males. I know the above sounds so shallow, which is horrible because I am not a shallow person. I am just talking generally about why most men don't cross my radar. I'm sure this will change in the future if I have more exposure to same sex culture.

    I have no doubt that my strict religious upbringing has contributed to this confusion. Growing up I was taught that the male was the head of the house, and the female served the husband, this was not negotiable. Men who sleep with men were strictly forbidden and would not be saved by god for their sins.
     
  14. PanHedon

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    Well that kind of makes sense to me, altough i am not really sure, the simple tought of a naked girls turns me on, or their touch, with guys, for them to turn me on, should be really good looking, nice butt and hairless body basically.
     
  15. Aj462

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    Hey Mj, yes I remember you. Thanks for sharing your journey. Hope things go well for you both.

    Hey, I'm ok thanks.

    I definitely understand your confusion, Lost.

    It's a little horrifying to think of the psychological damage that may have been caused to us (and by extension our loved ones too) by the charismatic, black-and-white nature of evangelical Christianity. I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that it is possible that a large part of my psyche and sense of self has been repressed by a fear-based belief system. Despite this, I don't think that religion and faith are inherently evil and oppressive, it's more the nature of bigotry and fear that seeps into human institutions, including secular ones too. For instance, my school and workplace were pretty homophobic places to be too. You wouldn't be told you were going to hell at these places, but you would be ostracised and marked out. The worst thing is that I also participated in these systems of oppression too: I laughed at the gay jokes and called people 'queer' as a insult. Regardless of what I come to terms about concerning my own sexual identity, I refuse to participate in these systems ever again.

    I've been reflecting on internalised homophobia a little lately, in case you hadn't guessed :lol:

    These last couple of weeks I've tried to consciously (but not creepily!) allow myself to look at men and women when I'm out and about or at the gym, and without judging myself or trying to suppress my thoughts. Easier said than done, but I've started to find that I am noticing men more and more. Attractive men, and men that don't have 'porn star' bodies are starting to catch my attention now. Women are too, but for the first time in my life I am allowing myself to notice both sexes.

    I will say that I am starting to observe a distinction between my noticing of each sex. I feel much more of a 'primal pull' towards other men that I find attractive, whilst I experience a pleasant feeling when I observe a beautiful woman. It seems to me that there's definitely a difference in my response to the two sexes. Men are starting to evoke a more lustful desire, and even a need for kinship, whilst women make me feel like I want to be in their proximity and to engage their personalities. In terms of raw sexual desire, it seems to be stronger for men, but not entirely absent for women. I am wondering if there is a desire vs. appreciation split when it comes to the distinction between my attraction to man and woman.

    To be honest, that sounds quite revealing, doesn't it? I'm not ready to accept that I am gay yet, but I definitely feel on the way to this destination. :help:

    Where are you at these days?
     
    #15 Aj462, Mar 30, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 30, 2017
  16. PanHedon

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    In my case it is similar, just that the primal pull is strong for both genders, I naturally enjoy flirting even with girls that I dont find drop dead sexy, with guys it is pure sexual, I mean fuzzy feelings dont come in play, average guys gross me out sexualy, with girls their simple proximity makes me hard LOL
     
  17. Mj5963

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    Your kind thanks Aj , we continue to heal together for the pain I caused her with my infidelity and she is really accepting me as not straight and knows it is what it is and hopefully soon forgive me too :slight_smile:
     
  18. OnTheHighway

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    MK, she will forgive you for which part? The infidelity, the same sex attraction or both? I can certainly appreciate the desire for forgiveness as it relates to the infidelity - it's clear you are seeking and need some closure for your actions and your looking to her to help provide that. However, there is nothing wrong with same sex attractions. So I hope your not also looking for forgiveness for that as well. From my perspective, if your seeking forgiveness for same sex attractions, that may imply you think such attractions are wrong. That is classic shame and internalized homophobia.

    Or am I misunderstanding what you posted?
     
  19. Mj5963

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    Infidelity , the Sam sex attraction part she finally understands as we really have so many open honest talks about it . In fact I believe that part of all the issues is not even topic of discussion much anymore . Doing great and see great strides in moving along on the forgiveness part which is coming she even said she is not quite there yet but my actions and our open honest talks are really helping a lot
     
  20. Lost4

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    Ah still pretty lost, lol. I gave some thought to what you said about noticing the different sexes. I've opened up my mind a little to the concept of noticing men who are not "porn star" quality, and to my surprise a few regular men crossed my radar. I do wonder if it's my internalised homophobia that has been creating a different reality for me all these years.

    This last week I have been attempting to pay more attention to my body, i.e trying to notice where my sensations, urges and attractions come from. It is a difficult task, but I think it's helpful. For example, if I feel arousal due to a same sex fantasy, I scan my body and notice that the thought has a physiological response (an erection). Without the aid of any external stimuli my body has just given me a strong indication of something that I am attracted to. The above is a fairly crude example, but I'm going to try it out when I'm noticing different sexes on the street.

    PS, I would send you a PM but neither of our post count is above 50 so PM's aren't allowed.