Gay man falling in love with straight female best friend

So this is my first post on this site, mainly because I'm too afraid to mention this to any of my real life queer friends. Maybe I'm afraid of being judged, or rejected. I don't know.

I'm a gay man in my mid 30's, and I've been out since I was a senior in high school. I always knew I was gay. I didn't really have a "bisexual" phase during school, more of a "hmm, wonder why I'm not attracted to women" phase. I never felt ashamed of myself. I love who I love, that's always been my opinion.

Recently, however, I've found myself in a bit of a situation. I work at a fashion company (yeah, yeah, I'm stereotypical) and my best friend works alongside me. I've been there for roughly fifteen years and she started working there not long after me. She doesn't have a lot of friends; she's (admittedly) not a nice person, and her attitude turns a lot of people off. But we had some similar interests, so we started hanging out outside of the work environment and we became really close. Personally, I think she's really misunderstood; there's a lot more to her than people see. She's tough and can be a handful, but I know that it's not really her, because when we spend time just the two of us she is a COMPLETELY different person. She's funny and smart and gorgeous and flat-out incredible.

She is a straight woman, and I think I'm falling in love with her.

I realized this while she was at my house last weekend. We were watching something on TV and I just kind of looked over and it hit me how badly I wanted to kiss her in that moment. I shook it off, figuring that it was nothing. But I literally have not been able to stop thinking about that moment. This past week has just been full of revelations for me. I've found myself checking out her ass, and her breasts, thinking about how much I want to touch her, how much I just want to be with her...it's like I had some sort of latent "straight" side...but only for her.

I'm terrified. This is the first time this has EVER happened. I've been seriously thinking about whether or not I would sleep with her. I feel like there's a part of me that really wants to, but another part says, of course I'm not going to do that, I'm GAY. But then I look at her and I think about how she's always getting hurt in her relationships, and how badly I want her to be happy. What if I'm the person who can make her happy?

It feels strange to say that I'm gay, knowing that I'm attracted to her. But it doesn't feel right to say bisexual either, because she's the only woman that I'm attracted to. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should act on these feelings and tell her? Or if I should just keep it to myself? I suppose I'm also worried that if we were to get together (if by some miracle she felt the same way), I'd be uncomfortable having sex with her. I honestly feel like I wouldn't, but I don't know.

I don't even know how to properly identify myself now. Has this ever happened to anyone? I'm genuinely baffled as what to do, and I'd appreciate any advice on the matter.

 

Never before this week. But I've definitely been fantasizing about her, and I've gotten hard a few times. I had a casual hookup with a guy on Saturday night and I was thinking about her the whole time.

I'm kind of worried about seeing her at work now. I just have no idea why this is happening NOW. We've been so close for so long, but now all of a sudden? I don't know what to make of it.

 

I guess there were some demi tendencies, I hadn't thought about that. I only find myself with "oh wow I'm in deep shit" feelings if I'm really close with the person. I haven't had a serious relationship in the longest time, maybe that's why. But I feel like it doesn't really explain why it took THIS long...

I think I'm going to give it another week or so and then if I'm still feeling something for her, I'll ask her out. No idea how any of this is going to work out, but I don't want to just sit around if there really could be something there.