This is a unique story

And believe me i've read 1000 stories around sexuality theme.

I more or less identify as a straight guy, more or less is will be described later.
imagine knowing you have had exclusive feelings for women and then you somehow came to conclusion that coming out gay would make you happy, well thats just one part of the story.
my questioning starts with pill, at one of the worst points in my life where i thought i was losing my mind, in some way questioning focused me and saved my life.

i've been looking trough my history, looking for ques that i might be attracted to men as a way to describe total lack of sex in my life, i'm a virgin, i've had few opportunities that i haven't pursued and bashed myself over it, so at one point i started suspecting i could be gay, since why else would relatively good looking guy avoid getting girls so many times over and over again. I felt and feel awful about not achieving that.

i've started thinking like all this anxiety that i'm feeling when i am about to approach women could be attributed to that, like not really wanting that, not being attracted to them.

But as i started thinking about being gay or being with guys i was grossed out at the beginning, i mean really grossed out, then i told myself somehow if i keep doing it it will get better because thats what i really am, now i think i can get mildly aroused if the guy has feminine features, round butt etc the whole penis thing is a kinda a turn down, i mean i could get off to that i don't really enjoy it.

i started fantasizing about coming out as gay at first it was terrifying but then i talked about my confusion to people around me and they would accept me no matter what, but still i can't do that, because when i really look back i'm not gay.

all my life i've been attracted to women, not full year ago i fell for this chick and i couldn't get her of my mind for months, i've written poetry about her, i was even disgusted by my own willingness to even crawl only if i could have her and i would have walked miles and miles if only for a tiny bit of chance of being with her.
i still get pierces me when i even her mention of her name.
before that i was in love with my best friend(girl) for years and i tried insinuating how i felt trying to see her reaction i've loved being near her, touching her every time i had a chance, laying next to her but still i was too afraid that if i told her i would get rejected and i wouldn't get a chance to see her anymore and for that reason i've remained silent.
during that period i kissed a girl for a first time my friend hooked me up with his friend from school, i enjoyed it, got aroused(erected), but then i when i went back to my crush and playfully like wrestled her she told me to do these kind of things with my girlfriend and that hit me like lighting(i was a kid 14), so i started avoiding the girl thinking it could destroy any chances i had with my crush.

those are more or less two stories that defined my love life, when it comes to sex, i've found out how to use my tool when i was 8 and for next 13 years i've fantasized exclusively about women, hell i've even fantasized about being a woman and being with another woman, i've fantasized so much about women it would be more logical for me to be transgender than gay.

And yet i can dismiss the thought about being trans easily(i don't want to be a woman) but being gay i can't, even though i don't have any real cues about being into guys,
i've shared my bed with guys, seen other guys naked, teased them, i was really relaxed about my sexuality to the point where i would do exgerated gay gestures to mess with them and i more resemble a caveman in appearance and gestures than a feminine guy.

But then i started fearing people perceive me as gay, i started wondering whats going on in their heads(thats what steamrolled this questioning) i've started avoiding doing any gestures like that, a mere insinuation of gay or words that i've associated with being gay like(bottom, top etc.) or gestures that i viewed as possibly feminine started producing such fear in me that i wanted to run away from every situation, i've avoided being alone with other dudes, touching them, or looking them in the eyes for longer than 2 seconds since i've read somewhere that if you stare at someone longer than 5 seconds you either want to kill them or fuck em and that terrified me.

before that time it never crossed my mind that i could be attracted to them, in all that fear i've even attributed some emotions to being gay(looking back its ridiculous to attribute sentiment to arousal) which made me even more anxious, basically at one point i was looking for cues while thinking about my orientation 24/7 from the moment i got up till i fell a sleep. I've even started worrying that i won't be able to get it up when im with a girl.(which is ridiculous i got aroused just by dancing with a girl i wont even go to the touching part)

if its worth anything i've always(not always but since i was like 12) supported gay community and where i'm from its really taboo to do so.

right now im on like 40% questioning, im pretty sure i don't want to be with a guy(i can't claim thats not a possibility but i can imagine myself enjoying that or being in that situation) if a guy approached me(happened to me before) it would be really weird i wouldn't be sure how to respond basically it would trigger fight or flee response in my head but most likely i would be polite or at least try to be polite about it.

i say 40% becuase i still sometimes stare and ask myself am i attracted to this guy?
or why did this guy catch my eye am i attracted to him?
or i must be gay im looking at guy?
and somehow looking=attraction in my head even if i'm looking at a 60+ year old man
god forbid i catch a glimpse of someone behind i immediately get anxiety spike and think my god im surely gay.
and thats just automatic i can't really control it.
at this point im aware this is some kind of psychological issue but at times i just can't control how i feel or what i think and thats: severe anxiety(trembling level) and thoughts like you wouldn't be feeling this way unless you were gay.

hell i would consider sleeping with a guy or walking around center of my city holding "im GAY" sign if this would stop, but doing those things can't really fix my issue.

And yes here comes the nasty part, dreams(those who can't handle disturbing things and i do mean VERY DISTURBING things dont read this part):
1.sex with a pig while my friends are laughing at me
2.inserting my penis under guys skin on a shoulder.(closest thing i've had to a gay dream)
3.having sex with my mother.(most disturbing thing i've ever dreamt in my whole life)
4.being chased by a gay psycho to whom i've eventually broke neck to.
5.trying to take off blondes panties with my teeth when she transforms in to black dude who farts on my face and theres like 5 other black dudes in the room and all 6 of them are pointing finger at me laughing.



Bottom line: no im not seeing a therapist, i won't be seeing one, yes its got 100 times better from when it started, i've heard of hocd that would be my best guess of this i check like 10 out of 10 signs of hocd.
I'm posting here just to show what all can go trough one guys head while messing up his life, getting this of my mind on paper(or forum) can have therapeutic effect on me.
basically i think im ready to face what ever i am and thats why i came with this idea of facing my thoughts by accepting them which would be best thing to do for both being gay and having hocd(yes this is what is recommended for stopping this kind of obsessions).
p.s. acknowledging its hocd works as reassurance which only fuels obsession thats why i prefer to keep an open mind.

 

im pretty sure it is hocd as i've mentioned in the post under bottom line.
Thanks for reading but reassurance isn't something you can provide me with.
one of my passions is psychology so i know almost everything about ocd (i knew little but when this started i came and saw hocd and basically read like 1000 pages about ocd)
its more about therapeutic effect than getting answers.