I've been overthinking this whole sexuality thing a lot this past week. I think I may be gay but there is still a lot of doubt. But today something weird happened which has never happened before. Because I've only recently opened up to the possibility of being gay I've never really properly crushed on another guy before. I was dwelling on this thought all morning and when I got home from school And my mind started to wander away from A levels I got this wave of "omg I could be asexual I don't want this" stemming from the fact that I've never crushed or had sexual feelings for a guy in real life, despite enjoying same sex fantasies (which are very frequent) and exclusively watching gay porn and enjoying it. But it got to the point where I was close to tears because I'd worked myself up into this state of "I don't wanna be ace" followed by i wish I had a boyfriend to prove I'm not ace. It's weird I know, I've never gotten myself in such a state. When this emotional wave was going on I remember telling myself that I just hadn't found the "one" yet and that if I went to an LGBT group things would become easier. Even earlier at school I was close to tears because I was having this wave. I took A level maths and even that didn't confuse me this much! But now sitting here as I'm writing this, the wave has completely gone and I don't feel depressed at all, still confused though. I don't think I'm asexual, I have wanted to and thought about having sex before and the thoughts were enjoyable and somewhat desirable so I don't know what's happened differently today. Maybe it was just a really quick phase? Maybe denial kicking in? Low libido? I dunno. But it has never happened before and I genuinely felt awful. Thoughts?
some asexuals do think about sex. The funny thing is that some asexuals do not realize they are asexuals because they have these sexual fantasies, watching porn, etc. But when it comes to "happy life with a partner" they would picture themselves in this platonic relationship with another person. Yea demi-sexual would probably imagine it like straight or gay or bi person after a long relationship with a partner gray-asexuals would imagine it also differently (somewhere in between) man it took me ass long time to understand "you do not need to have gf or bf to prove ...." you just need to close your eyes and think about "what makes you happy", and don't really go into asexual or gay or denial or stuff like that I mean you can its kinda fun to troll around "what sexuality do you think I am", and then take some Hallucinogenic drugs while talking to the Hindu priest about sexuality and spirituality (but don't take it too seriously) Every person has a little bit messed up sexuality even "straight people" If ace doesn't make you happy, and its difficult for you to imagine living with another person like this then probably you are not. You do not need to prove it.
Just to be clear... if we are using the widely recognized, accepted, studied, researched definition for "asexual" that has been in use for decades, the above would absolutely not qualify as being "asexual", and so the individuals described above, that "don't realize they are asexual" don't realize it because... they aren't asexual according to the widely accepted definition. If we're using the crowdsourced definition adopted by a small-but-vocal group of people, not based on credible study, research or anything grounded to anything reproducible or objectively measurable, then that definition (or, for that matter, absolutely anything anyone wants to use to define the term) is as good as any other. Demisexuality is simply a description of a normal level of sexual attraction/arousal that fits completely within the normal spectrum of human hetero or homosexuality. The above said, anyone can label him or herself in any way s/he wishes. If a label works for you, there's no reason you shouldn't use it. The issue arises when we want labels to actually have any collective, agreed-upon meaning that's grounded in anything measurable or reproducible. I can call myself "unicornsexual", and there's absolutely nothing wrong with doing that, but then I have to go around explaining to everyone what it means. And when I use a word in a way that isn't consistent with what the overwhelming majority of the population agrees that it is, I simply set myself up for confusion. OP: My guess is you aren't asexual, at least according to the widely used definition. What's far more likely is you simply haven't found someone you connect to in that way yet. It's also quite possible that you have other issues (underlying anxiety, depression, or family-of-origin issues, for example) that are interfering with your ability to feel and express emotions (including sexual arousal/attraction) in a normal and healthy way. I'm a big fan of being openminded, exploring one's feelings, and looking into what's going on that could be getting in the way before identifying with a label that,by its definition, mostly limits one's ability to experience what most "normal" (remember... "normal" simply means "most") people find to be an important and enjoyable part of life. And particualrly for people still in their teens and early 20s, there's a lot of stuff to uncover and explore before one can typically rule out underlying factors that can get in the way of sexual attraction, arousal, and expression.
then why they said it on the asexual forum? "some asexuals watch porn, have sexual fantasies"? I have been lied to? . anyway you are right about using the correct definitions, maybe I read too much lgbt forums, and about "not realizing your sexuality till 40s" to make any sense :/
I agree with Chip - watching porn pretty much rules out asexuality, asexuals don't experience sexual arousal. There's a chance you could be grey-gay/bi (imagine the kinsey scale, but in 2d - with hetero-homo on the x axis, and sexual-asexual on the y axis). It's possible you may just have a low sex-drive - which can be caused by many factors.
Because that's the exact "small but loud community" I'm talking about. Unfortunately, this small group has basically taken a word that was uncontroversial and in use for decades, with a very clear meaning that wasn't in dispute by anyone, and turned it into a huge ambiguous mess. I think "lied to" is too strong. These folks genuinely believe what they write, and it isn't my place or anyone else's to tell them they aren't entitled to their beliefs. I mean... if someone wants to try to convince people that the sky is bright orange... they're entitled to do that. But the consensus reality shows otherwise. Pretty much the same thing here. I get the intent behind it... people who have lower sex drive than other people might feel like they don't really quite fit in anywhere, as people are constantly telling them that they should just "find the right person" or whatever, when the truth is, according to the small handful of (very poorly designed) studies these folks have produced, the majority of the sample they're using to justify their claims are people who self-identify with the common conditions (anxiety, depression, etc) that cause the symptoms they're claiming to have. Think of it this way: If I have the flu, and a fever of 102, I am unlikely to have any interest in sexual activity. But I'm certainly not asexual because I have the flu. The same is true for someone with depression, anxiety, a history of physical or sexual trauma, or other PTSD-related symptoms. But somehow, that's essentially what's going on with the majority of people who are using the, um, "alternative" definition of asexuality, as well as all of the related sub-definitions. I feel like knowledge is power. For whatever reason, we seem to be in an era where having solid factual underpinnings for most anything is considered unnecessary. And the more we do that, the harder it becomes for language to have a common understanding. And that's one of many reasons why I feel like it's important to communicate clearly on issues like this. Well... it's always worthwhile to read a bunch of different viewpoints. We limit ourselves when we don't examine various viewpoints. The trick is in understanding which are grounded in something measurable and which are simply crowdsourced, with no solid grounding.
If you think knowledge is power and its good to try to understand different views consider this, you might disagree with it, and its ok because my mom also disagreed with it Me and my mother had a discussion about homosexuality Me:- gay can be happy with another man, etc. etc. my mom:- look these communities are very loud nowadays, but they do not really know what they want. This misunderstanding of their sexualities can be cause by depression (this gay person was refused by many women), or by some sexual trauma. well, it took me along time to understand it (not about me, but about other sexualities and people and etc.) It is difficult to be someone else, and I will never be able to know how you feel. I feel never be able how my friends feel about their sexualities. I will never be able to say "look you are this or that". One of the reasons is the fact that we are ourselves, and interpretations of our subconsciousness are different for each person (I believe that sexuality is placed in subconsciousness and interpretations of it). Then it helped me to understand my mother why she things gays are just depressed and etc. its because she is not lesbian and she is straight and she will never really understand how lesbians feel. she will only use her sexual experience to explain this phenomena. The same is with this forum or that forum. People try to explain something what they don't know by using their own experience of their sexuality (it is helpful, for some people who are questioning their sexuality because there might be a possibility that there is someone who has a very similar sexuality, but most of the cases they are different, but they can be also harmful for some people who are questioning their sexuality) The best example for you to consider is this There was this one person who said "am I male bi?" and gave reasons like "I like boys but I also like lesbian porn" the answers were like this Bisexual people said YES gay people said NO and it is because these two answers are correct 100% because there are gays who watch lesbian porn 24/7 (one of them is a good friends ), or this person is actually bi. It all depends on the interpretation of our subconsciousness. Bisexual would look at their experiences and they would be like he is bi Gays would look at their experiences and they would be like he is gay my point is that you might look at asexual people and be like my mom about gays and its ok because you are not asexual and my mom is not gay. it is very difficult to understand someone's subconsciousness. if you look at Twisted777 answer, you would see he said "There's a chance you could be grey-gay/bi" and its ok because he is bi and he is just looking at he experiences of how he would be interpreting "Sf98" subconsciousness therefore he writes gay/bi and not just gay because he is not gay and he will never really understand how it feels to be gay. I don't understand gays/bis/hetero/asexuals/lesbian/trans/etc, I can only accept them
Thank you for that! I identify as asexual, and figuring that out was a really confusing process for me because there is so much conflicting information out there. It really shouldn't matter how people choose to identify themselves. I would never tell someone that what they're feeling is wrong because I am not feeling it with them. The way that some people react to the asexual community is similar to the way that other people react to people who identify as nonbinary, agender, genderfluid, etc. They say that these identities can't exist because they don't fit into a prescribed box of what a person's gender is 'supposed to be'. I have a close friend who identifies as agender. They experience dysphoria just the same as I do. They are not making it up, and they are not wrong. As someone who also has a lot of asexual friends, I can say that we have all had different experiences and no one is exactly the same. We all identify as asexual because it's what feels right. I'm not going to tell someone else that they are wrong because their experience is different than mine.
