Hi all, I'm a male, mid 20s and at age 4 was my first same sex experience... but just touching and stuff really. I went through high school dating girls but sometimes felt attraction toward my more attractive guy friends. I didn't have a real sexual encounter with another man until age 22 when this gay guy sort of forced all this perspective on me when I told him I was questioning. He wound up putting an amount of pressure on me to screw him so I wound up having a few drinks and doing it. So now I identify as bisexual. I'm currently in a relationship with a girl who is bi/pan and is accepting of my sexuality, but we don't feel the need to explore currently. Though it's on my mind a lot. My best friend who is gay insists I'm not gay, but bi. However I really feel like my prospects with women are weak outside of the relationships I've had, which have been historically unhealthy with women probably stemming from emotional abuse from my mother. I'm just not a real macho guy. I know the stereotypes and cliches are worn and outdated but it's more than external, I really don't have much motivation to try to get with women when I'm single... but not much toward guys either, though I haven't been willing to try enough to really say for sure. My best friend insists I need to explore this to really get a feel for where I stand on the spectrum of sexual identification. Deep down I suspect I'm probably 80/20 leaning toward men but I could be wrong, or maybe I hope I am. Anyway I am much more at peace with myself than I have been in the past, especially considering the abuse growing up and religious piety but I feel stuck. I care deeply for and love my girlfriend, and I'm afraid of losing her, but I feel like I need to know these things, and need to keep communication open with her. I was going to post previously about how confused I was but I feel I have more clarity now, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up with a guy. It's just more exciting emotionally. Physically I'm still hung up on women but that could change once I get used to it with a guy. I'm just so sad. There's some solace I suppose in thinking I'm not the worst closet case, and I did come out as bisexual to everyone I know, but there's still an emptiness.
Hey sagrising, So is your main concern that you are just confused about your sexuality right now? Or that you are concerned because you might be gay, but 'hiding' being the bisexual label? Or is there something else going on with your in terms of your sexuality that you think might be leading to your current unhappiness with your romantic/sexual life? When you say that physically you are "still hung up on women", are you saying that you feel that you are more romantically attracted to guys, but more sexually attracted to women right now?
Yep feel confused, maybe a bit stuck in my relationship to myself. Not sure about the label but it's certainly possible. Well, I feel much more excited and happy with my best friend and kind of bored with my girlfriend, just more routine utilitarian relationship. Yes I'm more sexually attracted to women but romantically to guys and it sucks.
So, sagrising, Do you just want to discuss how you are feeling about it? Or did you just want to write it down to help you get it off of your chest? Or are you looking for something specific in terms of information/support?
Mostly just to get it out... Wondering if anyone has been there before, I mean I know they probably have but it's comforting.
Cool. Well, I've never been in exactly your situation, of course, but it's possible that you are experiencing a fluctuation in your bisexual attractions, as many bisexuals that I have talked to experience. Or, you could, as you seem to indicate, basically be gay and are having a hard time mentally understanding and accepting that for yourself. Only you can really know. I would say that the main thing you should do is to continue to explore your feelings in order to better understand your attractions. If it turns out that you really imagine yourself long-term in a relationship with a man and not a woman, then it isn't really fair to (in effect) keep stringing your girlfriend along, is it? Have you discussed any of this with her?
Well, I can imagine myself with either but I've been curious lately how different it would be, if it would be better or what. I seem to have an unhealthy anxious style of attachment toward my female counterparts... either I am extremely attached or completely detached. I'm trying to reconcile this with my outward identity. A lot of gay people I know thought I was straight when they met me, and others thought I was gay, so I'm working to disregard that and find my own answer. Right now she and I are taking a week apart so she can stay with family and I can try to find some answers. I'm also battling addiction and alcoholism and am working with a 12 step program so I'm not sure if my struggle with this relationship is solely tied into any one of those things. Maybe it leans completely on my sexual identity situation. Part of me thinks the best thing may be to end it so that we can both work on our own lives without the distraction of a relationship but she says she's in it for the long haul. However I'm reluctant because I have so much going on. I tried cuddling with my best friend who is gay but it didn't seem all that different from cuddling with my girlfriend. I don't know where to even start with this.
Hey sagrising, You seem to at least be moving ahead with understanding your sexuality. That's definitely a good thing. First off, whatever other think about your sexuality is irrelevant. Only you can actually know your own sexuality and you can’t act one way or another because of other people’s perceptions. A lot of LGBTQ people struggle with drug and alcohol addiction at least in part because of their struggle to understand and accept their sexuality. So I think you are making a key connection for yourself in that respect. That’s for you to decide, but, as I asked before, is it really fair to just string her along at this point? I would say that if you are at least open and honest with her about your struggle for your sexual identity, perhaps she can actually help you by being supportive and, of course, if you maintain open communication with her while you journey down this path, then she can make an informed choice to continue to stay with you or leave at any time. In terms of the cuddling, with a same-sex cuddler, it is often about comfort, not romance. I’ve done that with a couple of my closest (straight) friends, too. It really is all about the sense of comfort and cuddling with a guy isn’t all that different from cuddling with a woman other than the fact that he wears cologne while she wears perfume and, of course, the woman usually cuddles in the guy’s arms, but with two guys, it can go either way. To me, the point where it goes from comfort to romantic is probably kissing or more emphatic/erotic caressing. It doesn’t sound like you have any romantic chemistry with/attraction to your gay best friend. That’s probably a good thing because adding sex into a best-friend-relationship can really complicate things. Just some thoughts.
Hey Quantum thanks for keeping up with the dialogue. Soo, yeah I've taken that suggestion and did what I felt was right by discussing it with her, turns out she's bi/pan and encourages me to find a guy if I want to... The problem is either the desire isn't very strong or it's completely repressed, I dunno. I've been hanging out with my gay friends more, looking at the guys cock in porn, anything to get closer to my gay side. I'm also not trying to think about all this too much so I don't stress myself out and have an outbreak (HSV2, which makes it harder to find potential partners anyway) Also, dealing with a gay friend of mine who thinks bisexual people don't exist is frustrating. I know there is some level of attraction for men, I greatly enjoy movie time with my gay friends and I've had fantasies of dating a guy I know... Mostly cause I admire him and would like to be seen with him, but we've only had sex while I was drunk so I don't remember many details, I do know I could get off...
