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Used to be straight but now I'm not. Looking for similar experiences?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by RockHopper, Mar 15, 2017.

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  1. RockHopper

    RockHopper
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    Howdy all, this might be a long one so brace yourself.

    I've been dealing with confusion over my sexuality for years now and it's been a bit of a roller coaster ride. At this point I think it is all coming to a head and I just wanted to know if there are any similar experiences or if my situation is truly unique.

    It all started when I was 18 during the summer between high school and college. I was about 6 months removed from a two year relationship with a girl who I had grown up with. We were best friends and I truly loved her. We ended up breaking up for a lot of different reasons that mostly revolved around a romeo and Juliet style family feud. One day my friend asked me when I knew I didn't love her any more. I didn't really have an answer for him until later that night when I began to think about it a little more. I remembered not enjoying sex with her towards the end of relationship. Suddenly a thought popped into my head, "Am I gay?". I immediately experienced the worst anxiety attack of my entire life. It felt like I was hit by a truck. How could I be gay? I had loved women for as long as I can remember. I eventually read about HOCD and all the symptoms seemed to fit but I continued to deal with constant anxiety and self analyzation for the next couple of months but I couldn't find any reason to suggest I was gay except for the fact that I thought I was gay.

    I eventually went of to college and I was happy again. But I slowly came to realize that I was no longer attracted to women the way I used to be even girls that I used to have huge crushes on didn't do anything for me. There was no reaction to a pretty girl and anything I did feel felt forced in a way. The best way I could describe it is asexuality. I wan't attracted to girls (although I tried to convince myself that I was) and I wasn't attracted to guys either. I lived in this purgatory for most of my college career. I was happy but just not attracted to anybody.

    I got a new job just a few months before I graduated and that is when I started noticing that my eyes would fixate on other guys. I would try to focus on girls and think of them in any sexual way but I stated to find that it was impossible. Shortly after I graduated college the anxiety started to come back in a fashion that was very similar to my first experience with HOCD. In a way I was thankful for it, if I was feeling this anxiety then I couldn't be gay because it was still HOCD. I never questioned why I didn't feel any anxiety for the past few months or the past four years all I thought was "I have anxiety and I don't feel attracted to guys so it must be the OCD". That started to change when I moved for a new job far away from where I grew up (This was six months ago for those keeping track). I noticed that my anxiety was no longer initiated by the thought that I might be gay but because I started thinking about guys. First it was my old roommate, and it wasn't so much a crush as much as it was a feeling of longing for his friendship which I guess should have been an obvious sign. I continued to used HOCD as a crutch until I started to get the same feelings for one co-worker and then another. There were never any sexual feelings but it was most certainly emotional. It all came to a head when I had an old friend who was a girl come and visit. So here I was with a girl that literally visited to have sex with me and I could barely get myself aroused enough to follow through, let alone enjoy it. The day after she left was the first time I actually enjoyed gay porn and the first time I thought that I might be gay with a feeling of relief instead of anxiety.

    I am now 23 and the way things stand now I am pretty sure I am gay or at the very least bisexual. That's what all the signs are telling me at least. I even fantasized about wedding planing with a guy the other day. I guess I don't have a problem with it as far as coming out goes and I've accepted the fact that there is most likely no was that I will be going back. The only thing that has got me hung up is the fact that I spent most of my life being 100% heterosexual. I've spent so much time going back and looking for any evidence that might have suggested that I was just gay and in denial but I can't do it. Until I was 18 I was straight and then suddenly I wasn't. I can't get past the fact that I pulled a complete 180 during a time when my sexual orientation should have been pretty much set in stone.

    I guess at this point all i'm looking for is some confirmation. It's been five years and I really am ready to get off this ride but I need to get over this last hill or have some break though that confirms that I'm either gay or not.

    Thanks guys, sorry for the long read.
     
    #1 RockHopper, Mar 15, 2017
  2. Mysteria

    Mysteria
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    I don't have any even remotely helpful advice to offer (and I'm a woman to boot) but I wanted to say hi and you're definitely not alone!
     
    #2 Mysteria, Mar 16, 2017
  3. Mj5963

    Mj5963
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    @rockhopper, thank you for sharing . I understand and can relate fully. I am a married man , mid-50's with three kids in 20's. Everything was rocking and rolling with my life , great wife , great kids, great job, travel the world etc. and around 6-7 years ago my curiosity towards another guy started and same thing started noticing guys more and more and explored sex while traveling once . That was first time ever cheating on my wife (so not proud of that ) and of course first time with a guy. No need to send a long post of all my interactions since then but they started slowly and rarely and evolved to very often and everything sex wise . Well the inevitable happened my wife discovered my infidelity and that it was with only guys around 6 months ago. Long story short we are doing amazing and working with great therapist on both the infidelity part and even more importantly my own sexuality part . So I can only post from my personal expoerinces and how it is for me . I know I am not straight from there I somewhat seek a label but don't want a label. Am I Gia, am I bisexual? Working on that answer to help my wife and I have a true ubdwrstanding of me and my sexuality and can we reconcile for the long haul. Don't have an answer yet getting closer I believe . My point is this , seek some guidance from a professional who has experience in this , it has made a huge difference from total confusion to formulating an understanding. Of who I am . Please post as u feel like and good luck
     
    #3 Mj5963, Mar 16, 2017
  4. Chip

    Chip
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    There are a a surprising number of people that go through life blissfully unaware they are gay until something or another happens that causes that awareness to emerge.

    To be clear... This doesn't actually mean that they were straight and that somehow they 'turned gay', but denial can be a really powerful thing.

    I had girlfriends in high school and into my early 20s. I never really seriously consciously considered the idea that I could be gay until my mid-20s. So denial can be a powerful thing.

    When I've spoken to others that have come to this awareness later on in life, they pretty commonly describe something similar. Some folks can later look back and go "oh, wow, the signs were there but I totally ignored them". Others less so. But in short... This isn't at all uncommon.
     
    #4 Chip, Mar 16, 2017
  5. MisterMissy

    MisterMissy
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    This is close to what has happened to me.

    I did have many thoughts and considerations about liking men as far back as 12 years old, but my most serious thoughts that I might be Bi or Gay didn't come until Sophomore year at college. At that time, it was only mild attraction, sort of a "I find everyone attractive" situation, where I felt like I shouldn't be kept from enjoying a relationship with a man if I really like one.

    But then that all changed this year. Only a few months ago, I had still been very straight. I was aroused by women constantly. I masturbated on a nearly-daily basis, often to straight porn. I regularly scrolled through different image websites like Tumblr and Deviantart looking for cute or sexy pictures and artwork of women; it's just always been a fun little thing I do from time to time. And I thought if anything, I was a bisexual, still retaining a good attraction to women, but allowing men to be a possibility.

    But in mid-February, BAM, complete 180.

    It took a few more weeks of transformation. But I just confirmed for myself yesterday evening that not only do I really like men now, but I no longer find myself aroused by women. It's incredibly confusing because my mind still goes to women all the time, as if my mind has not caught up with how my body feels, even though everything is controlled by the brain. So it's more like, the different areas of my brain have not had a meeting to discuss how things have changed. lol

    I can't say I ever had periods of asexuality, certainly nothing as long as a few years. Cause like I said, I've had an openness towards an attraction to guys for some time. I did think that something was a bit off about me the past week or so, though, because I haven't had a hard-on in a while. But that was because I lost all arousal from women. And since my mind has not yet gone to thinking constantly about guys, I likely won't have a hard-on as often as I used to until my brain switches focus.

    Anyways, I personally feel very happy to be Gay. A lot of things make sense now regarding my personality, my likes and dislikes, even from back when I was straight. And I really think I can fully embrace this new me without apprehension or anxiety. And I hope, in time, you will be able to do the same. It can be quite a freeing sensation.
     
    #5 MisterMissy, Mar 16, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 16, 2017
  6. RockHopper

    RockHopper
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    Chip, were there any signs that you noticed when you look back? Like I've said, I can tell you the moment I started to notice the change in my attraction but being able to reconcile the before and after is proving difficult.

    Thanks
     
    #6 RockHopper, Mar 16, 2017
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