Never had a crush before

I feel ya. This is one big reason why it took me a few years to understand and accept my sexuality. With me the reason i never had a girl crush is because i was in such big denial about it, repressing it, that i just got crushes on pretty boys instead. Now that i know i'm gay i haven't got a single serious girl crush. Not that i'm out but you know. It would be helpful - validating, i guess, to get an actual crush instead of checking girls out or thinking thoughts along those lines. Thinking that the new girl at work is kinda hot doesn't count cause i don't actually have a crush on her.

I literally didn't get my first girl crush until i watched Game of Thrones. And when i started seriously questioning my sexuality, i got a crush on an androgynous girl at work who i honestly wasn't sure if she was a boy or girl for the longest time. Her voice, age, and name were not helpful at all. But i was too busy being confused at myself to seriously pay attention to the crush itself, i was too busy figuring out if she was a girl or boy without asking and asking myself what the hell this meant when i concluded yup, she's a girl.

 

I'm questioning myself, but I can relate. Actually, looking back, there was a female counselor I had ridiculously strong feelings for when I was a preteen at camp. And I can think of another friendship where mutual interest is a possibility, but my crushes have all been celebrities. l don't know how reliable a factor crushes are since so much- even simple busyness- can be a encourager or deterrent.

 

I can remember of two guy crushes I had when I was young. Like 8 & 10 years old. The first was this boy I sat next to in class (assigned seats) and he is VERY smart. The type of kid who would find a different solution to solve a math problem than the teacher gave just for fun. I can remember really liking being around him, enjoying listening to him. However I was extremely shy back then so I never really talked to him much at all, just listened. I wasn't attracted physically, but I knew I really liked him.
The next guy was the class clown kid, always getting in trouble--and his dad is best friends with my dad, so I'd grown up with him and known him my entire life. He was a troublemaker, and this crush was more butterflies-in-the-stomach skin-tingly being even remotely close to him. I never talked to him either, being the coward that I am, and eventually this too passed.
From then on I never had a really serious guy crushes. I know I did like a couple of guys, but mostly just because they were really nice to me and had very likeable personalities. I only recently acknowledged that I was bi, and at that age it didn't even occur to me. I would, however, fantasize about which of my girl classmates I would like to have kiss me on the cheek, and which ones I wouldn't. I would also develop a magnetic attraction going on; I would think this girl was extremely pretty, or her personality was awesome, and I really wanted to get close to her. Back then I was actually homophobic, so you can see why I repressed even an inkling of suspicion for myself.
Freshman year of high school rolled around and I discovered the best friend I'd ever had in marching band. People thought we were twins, actually. The only differences were that she was blond, me a brunette, my face is a little longer, and I was just a little taller. We were inseparable and exclusively best friends. Well to my shock one night on the way to a football game, she came out to me as bisexual while on the bus. I was the first person she'd come out to, and while I was honored I was also extremely weirded out. One of my other friends told me they suspected she had a crush on me, and I struggled with whether or not I still wanted to be friends. Well, eventually (with the help of my awesome open-minded non-judgmental badass aunt) I completely reversed my way of thinking and totally accepted her. Later on that other friend I was talking about (who is a Jahova's Witness but very open-minded) told me that her friends thought we were a lesbian couple.
I put down that rumor there and then (it wasn't true anyway) but it did start a little nugget of doubt in me. By my senior year I was finally putting two and two together; I'd always been exclusively friends with girls, I was uncomfortable with guys and male teachers but I was no doubt sexually attracted to them, and (excuse the crudeness) my first wet dream was of me with a faceless girl. I had been sexually attracted to women for several years, I had just never entertained or acknowledged the thought that I might not be straight.
Finally the past year has made me confirm it for myself; now I'm just riddled with anxiety of saying it out loud to someone. I think the first person I might tell will be my sister (her best friend is pansexual and she is one of the godmothers to her friend's child, so she's completely fine with the LGBT community).
I don't think my problem is accepting it; I think my problem is making the truth REAL and never being able to take the vocal acknowledgement back. That concrete confirmation scares me.
Anyway to this day I still haven't had any serious crushes, and it's kinda depressing (looking back, I may have had a crush on this girl I sat next to in band, but she's a Bible-thumper and would never swing that way. I don't think I would want a romantic relationship with her anyway, I just really really admired her and was completely jealous of her talent.