Hello everyone, I was hoping that some of you would be able to help me, or even that writing this would make everything a bit clearer for me. For the last three and a half years, I have been pondering on my sexual orientation. At some points I have felt pretty sure and confident about everything, but at other times I question everything - as I do right now. By the way, I am seventeen years old, and I am female. I had actually come to the conclusion that I was pan/bi, maybe being more attracted to features traditionally concidered feminine. I had come to that conclusion based on the following facts: 1- I would say that I have been "in love" once, that when I was about 12 years old. By "i love" I mean that I could barely think of anything else than this person. This was a gay male celebrity. 2. I would say that I have had three crushes in my life (I count crushes that were longer than a couple of months) - all three of these were on women. By that definition, I have not really had a crush on a guy, though I have had more temporary feelings for some. Some of these crushes were quite intense - to the point where I had to really concentrate while speaking on them to not just stare at them thinking about their beauty. Nothing ever happened, but in those situation, I know for sure that I would not have rejected a kiss. All of this would be romantic orientation, and I think that it is fair to think that my former conclusion is right at least in this aspect. But now, what confuses me: When it comes to the more sexual side of things, I don't really know. Though I can definitivey imagine having sex with a woman, and do feel turned on by this, I do not know anyone who I think I could ever have sex with. Thinking about it, it just all feels wierd, you know? I have never been able to imagine having sex even with my crushes. It sort of makes me fear that I am asexual (not that that is anything to fear), because I in some way seem to only like the very vague idea of being with someone who I don't know in real life. However, when I imagine it, I do know the person I am with. Could all of this have something to do with the fact that I am in the closet, quite shy, don't necesarely feel to good about my body, and that all of those people are straight and have a boyfriend? Have anyone else experienced this, and actually later been able to have sex with real life people? I also have this female friend. We are quite good friends, and our relationship involves a lot of touching: hugs and so on. I enjoy it, but never in a sexual way. The fact that I am able to be so physically and (in some ways) emotionally close to an other girl/woman also makes me scared that I could never do anything sexual in real life. Also, at some point we walked down the street arm in arm, and at first I enjoyed it. I was just a friendly gesture. But then I thought about other people possibly thinking that we were a couple, and suddently I felt repulsed and almost sick. Could this just be that I am ashamed that she doesn't know that I am non-hetero, and that I am sort of "tricking her into" "doing gay-looking" things with me, like I am taking advantage of her, or is it some kind of internalized homophobia? Or does it really mean that I am not gay? When it comes to sleeping with men I haven't given it so much thought. I guess I am a little scared of men, and that it isn't that relavant for me as of now. In some way, I am scared that this is all just me tricking mysef into thinking I am something that I am not - that I am really straight like "everyone else". Or that I only like women because it is "wrong", and I was always a bit of an outsider. Like is everything I imagine even real? I just want to have everything sorted out, so that I can maybe come out to some friends. I feel like this problem stops all my friedships from ever getting deep. I mean, I never say a word about something that occupies so many of my waking hours. Thank you so much for reading this! I really hope that some of you will be able to shed some light over everything, because that would really help me. Eyelashes PS. English is not my mother's tongue, but I didn't want to write this with an dictionary. Therefore, some words might be spelled wrongly.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes. (I think I got the number right there.) For many (most?) people, sex grows organically from emotion. Once that tap is turned on, well some people can just jump in bed right away. But to get it going at first... it is slow. You are normal. It's a good sign that these questions are the ones that come to your mind first. You are not totally in the fog. That's a challenge. Because as you say, as long as you like girls secretly, you have to worry about what girls will think when they find out. This is part of what pushes people to come out, so that these unspoken internal dramas will stop. But it sounds like you're not quite out to yourself yet... if there is even something to be out about. I am just a bystander but you don't sound 100% straight. Maybe if you tell your best friend about your feelings (toward other girls) she can be your first "straight-friend". I mean that as straight friend who knows. It could lessen the tension in your mind. Because crushing on your straight friend is -- like you see -- not a good direction to go. Unless of course she likes you too in that way... but how do you tell? Oops, I'm not helping now, just repeating the dilemma you are in. I hope other people whose situations are more like yours will add their opinions! What caught my attention was all the yes answers to your first block of questions. You were just so right on that I wanted to say so.
First of all, I think you have been thinking about it quite too much, because sexuality it a complicated thing and it really takes time, and when you try to sort it out in a short time, it usually doesn't work. When I tried to talk to my parents about it, they simply told me it can take longer time to understand if i'm lesbian or straight or bi, and I think it's ok for it to take time. It really needs time. You can't have it all sorted out at age seventeen, because you still need to experience to know it all. What I'm saying is, it's better if you feel good about it taking time and you can tell how you feel to a friend who can understand it and help you understand it more. I hope you can find you way. Good luck!
