Growing up, I always assumed I was straight, but I never dated in high school and never really flirted or felt attracted to anyone. I guess I was always very preoccupied with other aspects of my life to make dating a priority. When I got to college I thought that might change and that I would become more interested in guys and start dating, but for the first semester I still felt the same way I did in high school. Then second semester started and began to have feelings for one of my close girl friends that I'd made during first semester. Some people have asked me how I know these are romantic feelings vs feelings of close friendship and I never really know how to answer other than I just know (and the fact that I don't feel the urge to kiss any of my other close friends). I've had small crushes on a few girls in the past but I always dismissed them thinking I couldn't be gay. And I always thought I was straight because I knew when guys were attractive, but I just never felt attracted to them personally. But the more I've come to think about it, I can't exactly picture myself being with a guy - short term or long term. Since I'm in college, I spend a significant amount of time with this girl. We have 3 classes and 2 labs together, we're on the same sports team, and she lives on the same floor of my residence hall, so we see each other constantly. I've never liked someone this much before and I'm starting to think I'm in love with her. The biggest problem for me is the fact that she has a boyfriend. There are a few signs that she might be bisexual (biggest one is that her facebook profile says she's interested in men and women), but I can't know for sure without asking her about it. It's only been a few months that I've felt this way, but I feel like our relationship is a bit amplified considering how much time we spend together. I value our friendship a lot, and losing her as my friend would be devastating to me. So a part of me wants to set these feelings aside and just carry on with our friendship. Sometimes I feel like I'm able to do this, but the minute her boyfriend shows up I get extremely jealous, and that's when I know I still have romantic feelings for her. I want to address this before next semester because we are supposed to room together. My counselor thinks that if I can figure out my sexual orientation and come out to her then things might fall into place (i.e. either she feels the same way towards me and can admit it knowing that I might be interested in her [although this is unlikely considering the boyfriend], or she's not interested in me but shows me support and our friendship continues with closure -- of course there are other worse possibilities too, like her rejecting me and not talking to me anyomore, but I try not to think about that). Unfortunately, I don't know how to determine my sexuality when I'm so caught up on one person. I haven't had enough past experiences to point to what my sexual orientation might be, and now I can't seem to evaluate how I feel about anyone else because I'm so hung up on this one girl. Any advice is greatly appreciated!
Hey there. I'm not sure I'll be of any help however I have read through your post. Personally I don't think you need experiences to know what you do or don't like or what you want. I've never slept with a man and certainly don't need to to know that I don't want to be with a man. If I meet someone it will be a woman. Saying that it's not going to be the same case for everyone. People discover themselves in different ways and at different ages. There is no rush for you to determine your sexuality at this point however you should talk to your friend about how you're feeling before rooming together. I hope your friend is understanding and I realise that you are worried about losing her however if this isn't resolved before next semester things could become awkward between you particularly if her boyfriend visits her.
It seems pretty clear to me that you're gay. You talk about being able to admire a good looking guy but not being attracted to him, and straight folk look at the same sex in the same way. An analogy I see here a lot is being able to tell that a flower is beautiful, but not being attracted to it.
I am straight, and I can't even tell if a guy is good looking or not. I have to ask my female friends. Everyone is different. But I suspect you are lesbian. I think that doesn't matter at all in respect to the girl who has a boyfriend. She may well be bisexual, and think you're very sexy and wonderful. But, so what? The elephant in the room is her boyfriend. So either she is straight and she doesn't like you, or she is bisexual and you are caught in a classic love triangle. You may be secretly hoping if she likes girls she can't really like her boyfriend. Bisexual people probably don't work that way. My wife is bisexual, and out for more than 25 years. I've met a lot of bisexual people. I agree with the people who say you should tell her how you feel, and do not room with her. Be well.
It's just interesting. I've seen the statement often, but it doesn't apply to me. So I thought I would toss it out there this time, as an aside. My wife has tried on occasion to school me in what to look for, unsuccessfully. Guys just look so dull and boring to me I can't see how anyone could see them as good looking. I suppose that only applies if they are masculine looking, but not sure. Have fun!
I agree with a lot of what you say. The boyfriend is the biggest issue for me because I feel like it would be wrong to express my feelings while she's in a relationship. I also know that going forward, whether I tell her or not, my jealousy towards the boyfriend will continue to be a problem. I just wish they could break up or something so I'd have a window of opportunity maybe. And I wish I could just bail on the rooming thing, but the suite we're living in with 6 of our other teammates/friends was really hard to get into and leaving them would require an explanation (I'm not ready to talk about this to everyone). And housing applications are already done, so if I left I would have virtually nowhere to go except to be paired with a random stranger or pay extra to live in a single room. I feel like I'm just going to have to accept that I'll be living with her, whether or not I can resolve this before then.
