Hi. So I'll give you the rundown on my experience & welcome all input. I'm in my early 20s, college male. As long as I can remember I was always attracted to women. I remember as a young boy (as early as first or second grade) having crushes on girls. My next door neighbor and I joked we'd get married. I had several crushes throughout the years, and one girl I fell in love (ok maybe more infatuation) with, but she broke my heart. More on that later. To rewind a bit, I also had an extended period of time experimenting with my next door neighbor on the other side, a male, around age 10. (the very feminine type almost definitely gay). Puberty hit early for me. This was over 10 years ago but it has cast a shadow of shame over the rest of my life. I felt so guilty afterwards, maybe because I was too young, or maybe because it wasn't right for me. I told my mom about what had happened between us. I told her I was uncomfortable with what had happened & I felt like I was violated. I ended our friendship. I went to counseling. I know I felt dirty and used, probably depressed, and didn't want to continue being friends with this person. He also was very competitive and didn't really respect my opinions (he always wanted things his way sexually or otherwise) Looking back I feel like I actually enjoyed some of our "experimentation", and maybe it was just self imposed guilt because of my age,and loss of innocence. Then again maybe it wasn't right for me, and the "high" I felt was due to raging hormones and doing something I "wasn't supposed to do" (not necessarily because of gayness but being sexual in general).I've always been pretty straight-laced (pun intended). I remember pretending he was a girl. I wanted to penetrate him anally to simulate vaginal sex, but he always wanted to rub cocks. Which I guess I actually came to enjoy, but maybe that's time blurring things. I remember being frustrated with him a lot. Also, I tried to talk to him about me and my other close guy friends taking pictures of girls asses at the fair, girls in class whose boobs were developing, etc. I remember being frustrated that he never really seemed to reciprocate. I can't say I consider what we did "losing my virginity". I've always considered myself a virgin, because I've never had sex with a women. I've fantasized about sex with several women, and what sex with a women would/will be like. But what happened with my male friend confused me a lot too. In middle school I didn't even really know what being gay was. It was more toward high school that people started to talk about me, and I started feeling insecure -- based on what people said and what I had been through was I really gay or bisexual?? I had never fit in with the jocks. I never liked sports. I was always kind of tall and lean, never into working out. But I never was a theatrical kid. Flamboyant gays actually turn me off. They just are so in-your-face (I'm sorry if this offends anyone). I've talked to some and they were nice people, but just the flayboyentness is a character trait that rubs me the wrong way. The boy I was with was pretty flamboyant and maybe that has something to do with it. Fast-forwarding, in middle school, after all this happened, I had a crush on a girl, who I told I liked. that was a dead end. There were other girls I remember dreaming about. Towards the end of middle school, one pretty fit guy actually piqued my interest. Going into high school, I remember wishing I was in the crowd of preppy jochs, wishing I was more masculine and athletic. Wishing I was more forward and less anxious (I suffer from GAD and social anxiety). My grandparents brought me up to their place in cape cod every summer, so I felt I had a taste of the "good life". I really didn't fantasize about any guys in high school. I did, however, as I said earlier, have crushes. In 9th and 10th grade, it was one girl in particular, who wasn't very forward. I never made any moves but we flirted. Then an exchange student. Same deal. Then came the big one...in 10th 11th and 12th grade (the one I still think about). She was tall, busty, redheaded, but more importantly she was insanely intelligent and witty, didn't care what others thought. We had so many inside jokes. She had a way of making me feel like I was the only person who was important to her, and I never was so secure in myself. She made me feel like a man. She just understood me in a way that no one else ever did (people often think I am cold or aloof but actually I'm really sincere and sensitive, just shy at first). When i was with her I just had no desire to be with anyone else, and I wanted to be with her as much as possible. But she also was a bit of a seductress. S I'm more quiet, moral, etc. She was sleeping around, having basement sex in school which hurt me. . I wanted us to be in a committed relationship but she "didn't believe in monogamy" (this was part of her charm, she was independent and strong, but also annoyed me immensely because I wanted her to myself. is part of the problem, I tend to be sexually attracted to overly sexual women (almost like F Scott Fitzgerald to Zelda Sayre) yet I crave commitment stability and loyalty. I can't say I've really had the desire or attraction to any women in particular since her. There was just a fieriness about her and I felt with her a way I've never felt since. I really haven't pursued any relationships since then. But I have been watching porn (both bi and straight). It seems that as time has gone on I've just had more and more insecurity and questions. I know I was attracted to her, so I can be attracted to women. But I've been having more sexual fantasies about men (anal, bj's etc). I can't really see myself in a relationship with a man. I don't want to kiss a man. But I feel sexually attracted to men and would like to explore that more too. Maybe it's because I'm confused or because of my past, and like Foucalt believes, we all start bi. Maybe I am just truly bi, right smack int he middle. But how am I supposed to live with that? How do I know whether to pick up men or women? How do I know who to choose or if I'm making the right choice? How do I be authentic to what I feel and know who I really am/what I really like? I want to be with a woman but feel if I tell her about my attraction to men, sexually, she might leave me. And I question to what extent it is my insecurity and questioning getting int he way of actual straightness, to the point that I've actually learned to be attracted to men, after repeated exposure to porn, trying to figure out my preferences? Or maybe I've been bi all along and the encounters I had with my neighbor were part of me figuring that out. I don't know it's all so muddled... I never had the guts to ask out a girl. When I did tell the girl I loved, it came out like "so have you ever thought about us ... as a couple...?". It was pathetic. Maybe I have a thing for unrequited love in some way too because it's less messy... I don't know. I want to be with a women and try straight sex, but I don't want to use a women just to "figure things out". Same with a man. So I feel a bit stuck.... at a crossroads between morality, exploration, and finding myself, between straightness and bi-ness, and uncertainty.
