i am 22 years old and for 9 years i had these gay cravings... i remember it all stared when i was 13 i masterbated to pictures of girls alot but i had a friend who lived right next to me... as we started to become best friends i started to fantasize kissing him to the point i craved it.. we would be playing and i would stare at his lips and crave to kiss him... for some time i fantasized about it and orgsamed to the thoughts of it while i still looked at naked girl pictures and masterbated to it to... once we were alone home playing i tried to kiss him but i could see it that he didn't want too... and he was wierded out by it... so i never did and stopped i stopped the fantasy... few years passed and i moved away and changed schools where i found another best friend, i was 15 then... we would be really good friends for 2 years, then again i started getting gay fantasies and cravings, but this time i wanted to have sex, i remember when i was with him sometimes when i was horny i just wanted him to make a move and kiss me i would be sitting next to him and i would crave sex with him... expecially when we started masterbating together we would be watching some porn and i would basicily sometimes stare at his penis and his body while we masterbated i just knew it felt really good... i would get huge cravings to touch his penis and give him a blowjob and kiss him... etc... then he started to realize.. when we were sleeping in the same bed i would sometimes rub my ass against his penis let me explain i am a slow devoloper and i didn't know what gay was... i just knew it felt good to do it... then when he was on my computer he found naked male pictures and gay porn on my pc but keep in mind 90% of porn was straight porn and girl pictures... and then he insulted me that i was a faggot and that he knew cause the way i act and that i look at him instead of porn while masterbating and then he left and we never talked again... but for me i still contiuned to have fantasies about him the fantasy was he was gay and he was seducing me into sex... i had that fantasy alot... after sometime... it all stopped i started to have crushes on girls and watch only straight porn... kiss a girl and love it... when i turned 18 and moved out to live alone i started working in a shop usually only 2 people work and guess what i meet there a guy who is now my best friend and he is gay.... i like in my gay fantasies that a guy is a huge muscle tall strong guy and dominant.. and guess what he is exectlly that and he is gay... and he likes me... what the fuck? to cut to the point, when we were undressing at work he seduced me and i gave him a blowjob... next day i gave him a blowjob again... the next day we had long kissing session and i gave him a blowjob... the next day we made out in the car while i was in his lap rubbing my ass against him! my fantasy fullfiled the only thing left is sex...and i think its going to happen soon... but now the reason i think i am not gay, i check out girls i flirt with girls, i want a girlfriend i get hard thinking about girls.. but yet when he grabs me and kissess me i am lost in extasy i think i got a thing for big strong men making me submissive... and the other thing he is my best friend and i have no romantic feelings... yes we get along great i love the sex part but i am not in love... but he is in love with me... i know he thinks if he continues seducing me i might change my mind and let him be my boyfriend... i don't know what to do.. its just so confusing... like we make out and i satisfy him then i go home and say to myself i will not do it again... but when i see him again i do it again... i am really confused...
First things first - it seems clear that you experience attraction to other men, as this has happened three times now, plus you're acting on it. If you are also attracted to women, that's fine as well - but it doesn't change the fact that you are also attracted to men. Lots of people are attracted to both women and men. It may be difficult to feel romantic feelings at first. Since gay people are often told not to be gay, or that being gay is wrong, or things like that (for example, like what your friend said to you), it makes it hard not to feel ashamed at first about having sex with someone of the same sex/gender. Over time you may find that you are more able to be vulnerable and feel emotional attachment to a person. Do you know any other gay people, besides this man you're having sex with now?
