Things are becoming more clear for me finally but I just have a couple of thoughts I could use some help with. Last week was extremely tough for me because I think I developed some sort of asexual-OCD because I couldn't say for definite what my sexuality was. This stemmed from the fact that I struggled to define what sexual arousal/attraction was and I could use some advice explaining it. What I personally believe it is is who you would have sex with and the desire to do it. And arousal is the sort of activation of that desire. But I don't know if that's entirely correct. This sent me into utter panic of fearing that I was asexual and it was extremely distressing for me. I'm sure I'm not asexual, I think about sex quite a bit and it's not a repulsive thought. I sort of want to try it actually. But I found myself overanalysing everything and reading articles on arousal saying how some people feel like a rush when they see someone attractive. I then went out and started looking at every dude I saw and kept worrying why I was not instantly attracted to them. When in reality I know that sexual arousal is never going to be instant when you're just walking down the street, it was a weird OCD thing. I'm certain it's not HOCD either because I've never really wanted to have sex with a girl and whilst the thought of sex with a guy is still a bit abnormal for me at the moment, I can at least say I've wanted to try it before. I have also always watched 90% gay porn but not really considered what that might mean which is why the thought of actually being gay came as a bit of a shock causing my brain to just resist the idea (it still is). If sexual attraction can simply be defined as what gender you have sexual thoughts about then my life will become a lot easier. Another thing is the fact that the thought of sex with another guy makes me kinda nervous. It's sort of hard to explain cause I feel like I could but then I start to get nervous at the thought at the same time even the thought of kissing another guy is nerve-racking, although I've never properly kissed anyone so that's probably just me. I've also never seen a guy in real life like walking down the street who I would have considered (bangable) which only adds to my confusion. But I can say that if I were to have sex it would be with a guy. And I do have a somewhat desire to do it. It's like I have attraction to men but I haven't directed it towards an individual person yet if that makes sense? I probably sound like a broken record from my previous posts but I think I'm getting closer to an answer. I can say I prefer dudes with more confidence now cause that's the truth. It's just for some reason I cannot say the word "gay" with confidence. I know I could have sex with a guy if the right opportunity arose. But I always overanalyse when I'm out of the house and realise that I don't find every guy I see attractive which sparks the whole OCD thing. I know it's OCD. But I can't help it:bang: . I have kind of self-resolved the asexual-OCD now though it's no longer causing me distress and I've stopped worrying now.
I used to (still do somewhat) worry about not being attracted to every girl that walks down the street. I over analyze a lot too, maybe not on your level bc I don't have OCD, and sometimes I think it's easy to be trapped in a cycle of worry and doubt which can cause enough anxiety and stress that it makes it harder to feel attraction. You do seem more distressed at the idea of not being attracted to men, so to me at least it doesn't sounds like HOCD. I think it takes time to become comfortable with and to adjust to being gay (or lesbian in my case) and to deal with the constant self doubt. I'm sorry you had a rough week! I hope these next ones will feel better
