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Depressed and dealing with self-hatred as a lesbian

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by sapphiregirl, Mar 26, 2017.

  1. sapphiregirl

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    London, United Kingdom
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I came out as a lesbian nearly two years ago. Everyone I've told so far has been supportive and kind. I've dated and been with a few girls casually since then. I thought coming out would make me feel better, but it has made me feel even more insecure and I've been experiencing so much self-hatred. I know for sure I'm a lesbian, and I try hard to accept it and be happy, but part of me still struggles a lot with accepting myself FULLY and not caring what others think.

    I don't know if it's because I'm constantly surrounded by straight people, but I have this thought that others think I'm disgusting for being a lesbian. I'm just so tired of feeling like the outsider that I am. I'm always around straight girls: at university all day, work, home, my friendship circle - I shouldn't complain, but it's hard sometimes because I feel like I'm so different to them. I tried joining in with the Queer Society at university, as we have this lounge room that they created. However, I struggle a bit with anxiety and going into that room is always so awkward. Everyone there is just silent when I walk in, or they're already close friends, or they're super loud and outgoing, and I'm just terrible at making small talk. So, I kind of stopped going there.

    In most social situations (such as in class or at work), I sometimes find it hard interacting with all the straight girls. I'm always friendly/nice to them, but many of them are so attractive and I often get kind of nervous talking to them. Because I don't really 'look' very gay, I imagine they think I'm straight too and they probably wonder why I'm so shy. With the ones who DO know I'm gay, I feel that the dynamic between us has changed and they now appear very slightly uncomfortable around me. Do I need to chop off all my hair and wear men's clothing to better display my gayness? Would this solve my problems?

    Urgh, sorry to ramble on. I just feel quite insecure as of late. I've been seeing a therapist for the past few weeks, so hopefully she can help me out with these issues. I guess all I want is to accept myself completely and feel more confident.
     
  2. Georgia111

    Regular Member

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    Hi! First of all nope, you do not need to chop off ur hair, etc to display your gayness. However, if you will feel more comfortable that way then of course you can. I've been in the same situation as you, struggling with depression, anxiety and self hatred but depression often makes you see things a lot more negative than it is.one way to fight depression is to keep yourself occupied...so besides the queer society how about joinging some other clubs at your university? I know what it's like to be surrounded by only straight friends and I hate it! But I'm sure if you get involved in more activities you'll get to meet a whole lot of open minded people that may make u feel better...at least that helped me. As for the queer society, don't let your anxiety keep you back from making new friends girl! :slight_smile: Just take a deep breathe and try tlking to someone there...you never know, there may be people there that are experiencing the same things as you :wink: well... I hope this helped in some way! <3 and remember nothing lasts forever...your depression will soon be a thing of the past that made you a whole lot stronger. I know you will feel a better about yourself one day and there's no need to hate yourself for being gay because there's absolutely nothing wrong with being unique regardless of what some close minded idiots may say.
    Take care xoxo