Have you heard about this?

Hi everybody,
im going to tell you about how it felt to have hocd.
For those who dont know what that is it is (Sexual orientation OCD) name varies depending on your sexual orientation so for someone who is straight and worries he might be gay its HOCD(homosexual ocd) for a gay person its SOCD(straight ocd) etc.
I made this account during onslaught of ocd, i was desperate for any reassurance that i wasn't gay,it terrified me.
It felt for me like from the moment i wake up till the momenti fall asleep like i was burning with constant anxiety, constant unwanted thoughts, i even had suicidal thoughts thinking this isn't going to get any better.
Imagine suddenly dreading any kind of contact with the same sex, the very word gay being as a word of a spell that makes you burn with anxiety inside.
trembling all day terrified that somehow you've been lying to yourself all this years, attributing every aspect of your previous encounters to both sex to new things, for example you weren't actually a good friend it was all hidden sexual desire that drove you,
you didn't really like that girl she reminded you of someone else.
your crushes were all delusions, you actually would like to be with same sex even if you never showed any interest in it.
somehow you think you were so deep in the closet that you didn't even notice same sex, nor fantasize about them, or get aroused by them.
but you don't care for facts you really start believing that you are gay, you even tell yourself that being repulsed by notion of same gender sex doesn't mean you aren't gay
its internalized homophobia(you learn many new words online to support your claims).
You don't want to be with the same sex and yet you tell yourself no no you do you just don't know it yet, you should try it.
you even start worrying that you wont be able to get it up next time you meet with opposite sex because you are really gay.
and thats just thinking patterns..

When it comes to actual life situations it really becomes awful.
You start being afraid to look at same sex, you avoid eye contact because you've read that looking at someone for 5 seconds straight means you are either attracted to them or you want to kill them,
you can't have a normal conversation with anyone due to overwhelming need to think about whatever you are gay or not.
Then you decide its time to settle this and you focus all of your attention to your genetalia and start monitoring your levels of arousal, god forbid you were on weed when you start monitoring, once i even believed that i was ejaculating in pants , even if i wasn't hard or believed i was erected when i wasn't, i was checking constantly touching myself to see if i was aroused or not.
Looking at everybody thinking omg they think im gay surely they think im gay, they know whats going on here.
I've failed with women so miserably it means that i'm gay(i'm a huge infallible egotist)

Thats just one part of the story if someone is interested in this kind of things ill write more about about obsessions and then ill write about how i got out of this mess.

 

The thing is most of the people who get hocd aren't even homophobic, for example i was for a long time before that supporter of gay rights in community where it isn't popular to have such opinion, nor am i religious so no god guilt here.
It happened out of blue for me just one day i had a thought that i could be gay not bi, not attracted to men but gay and it terrified me, important thing to mention is that i was already going trough hell at the time, ruminating about many things about who i was.

i couldn't bare doing anything, everything was about being gay, even when i was trying to play video games i still was ruminating, word bottom is often mentioned prior to the start of the game and that word would trigger me every time.
I unsubscribed from many youtube channels because i couldn't watch men even trough screen without getting hyper anxious and going on a thinking spree.
i was worried constantly that i wont be able to be with women after this, that somehow i wont be able to get aroused, then compulsive masturbation started to disprove that idea, and it resulted in worst dreams i had in my life depicting horrifying sexual encounters with various persons and even animals.
you start avoiding touches, become hyper aware of yourself, every move you make is a new cause for ruminating, for example the way you hold your hand while smoking ciggs,
the way you move your arms, the way you walk, the way you talk, the way you sit in a chair, the way you cross your legs, you are constantly monitoring everything about yourself for any indication of being feminine or gay as an extension of feminine.
you conjure up "gay" thoughts as a way to test yourself then get so anxious that you start pushing them away, and as you try to not think about them voila you can't get them out of your head and then you tell yourself if you weren't gay you wouldn't get such thoughts.
and that cycle goes on and on and on for months you get better at hiding it, but intensity of everything is either stagnating or getting worse.

Then you start doing that what therapists describe as a shadow of a conversion therapy, the difference is instead of going straight you go gay.
thats basically what intense ERP (exposure and response prevention) is.
You agree with your thoughts, you start telling yourself yes you are gay and stop those thoughts/actions that try to disprove it.
you start looking at men even as you are trembling,
you start pulling gay thoughts in your head instead of pushing them out,
you start doing or thinking everything that makes you anxious.
and you do it again and again and again and you avoid compulsions(those things that you do or think to make yourself feel better).
and thats basically how i got better.