I just joined EC and am finding it very helpful. Especially to know that I am not the only one confused by something that I assumed others were sure about! Ever since I was little I knew I was drawn to girls/women. But I don't know if I equated those feeling to sexual feelings. But I definitely felt ashamed of them because I thought boys were cute but I didn't have crushes on pop stars or tv stars. I was always kinda drawn to the women :-/. I also remember when I was little I wanted to BE a boy. Now, I love being a woman, I love makeup, jewelry, but I also love sports, my cowboy boots and other things that make me feel like a sexy Tom boy. So I did end up having boyfriends and getting married and having kids. And I enjoyed having sex with men. But decidedly not as arousing as the thought of having sex with a woman now. I never got that tingle kissing men like I did with women. But I still like the idea of being able to arouse a man, please a man. There is some comfort and protection there that I like. In therapy, it came out that since I never had a dad around maybe this is about acceptance from men? Have others felt that? And I've also wondered if now, since I've been married and have had my kids (which I felt a strong biological urge to have kids) is something primal or subconscious in me saying , ok, now it's ok to let those same sex attractions (sexual and romantic) come through?
You could look up compulsive heterosexuality, where society so strongly assumes and enforces heterosexuality on us that it takes a while to realize we aren't straight. I always really wanted the heterosexual life growing up, marry a great guy, get a nice apartment or house and have a couple of kids, and I was utterly convinced I was straight. I tried very hard to be attracted to men, and figured that maybe if I fell in love and married one then maybe I'd want to have sex with them. But I now I know how I feel about women I really doubt that will happen. For me it took moving far away from my friends and family to feel comfortable exploring my sexuality. Feeling compelled to please men I think is something that society pushes on women, you definitely are not alone there. I've even heard of some lesbians who still occasionally feel self conscious about whether or not men find them attractive. Now that you accomplished having kids and having a husband, maybe you feel more relaxed to feel your sexuality?
I read some of your other posts, rather than feeling more comfortable to feel your sexuality it sounds like you are at a major turning point in your life. I'm not sure about biological urges to have kids, I wanted kids and still do now, but they do demand a lot of time and resources, as do spouses. As a result maybe you felt, consciously or subconsciously, that it was time to focus on what you really want or to be true to who you are and what you want.
@Rainyday - for sure. After my mother passed away 4 years ago, I did begin a big transition phase in life. It was a deeply spiritual, sorrowful, growing period. But also one in which I really learned to be grateful for everything in my life. I also gained a ton of confidence because I managed to get through things. It was just a big emotional growth period and accepting my sexuality is another facet I think. I even told my mom I was interested in women about a year before she died and she was totally cool with it! That has given me a lot of comfort. I was always afraid to tell her that growing up. I do love my husband though. And the summer that I met him will remain for me the best summer of my life. I'm glad and grateful I got to experience that complete young love head over heals feeling. And the comfort and stability of marriage and the joy of having my kids! But with everything that has happened over the last couple of years, especially the last 7 months, I'm pretty certain my marriage is breaking up. Just today my husband told me that now that the physical part of our relationship is gone, he has looked at us and doesn't know what's there. I really don't know how I feel about that. A little hurt, a little surprised, a little relieved, and sad too.
