Sorry to complain, but today I've been really depressed. It's one of these days when I look at this whole mess I find myself in and wonder "what the heck am I doing?" I'm almost wondering if knowing the truth matters in the wider context of protecting my children. It's going to be hard enough on them if my husband and I stay divorced, let alone if we stay divorced due to Mommy being/doing something we have both taught them their whole life is wrong. I'm looking at admitting that I no longer believe their faith and that while I will always love their father, I am more attracted to women. What possible good could come from this? Of course, no good was really resulting out of the way things were. :tears: I know they could tell I was miserable, that I was unhappy, and I've had a parent like that and I know how hard it is. I don't feel I have it in me to fake it anymore, to go along with things and pretend. I feel like whatever strength I had to do that with is lost. I do want to know the truth. I just, this is so not what I wanted to do to them. I gave everything I had into being a wife and a mother and living the way we believed and it wasn't enough. It just wasn't enough. And would I ever meet anyone anyways? I cannot seeing anyone being sexually attracted to me. I have so much weight to lose. It's not that I am in a hurry to get in a relationship, don't get me wrong. But I hated dating the first time around and I was much better looking then, not to mention younger. How did you cope on the days when this whole thing seemed so incredibly overwhelming?
I often feel like I'm stupid and making up my same-sex attraction, perhaps for attention or to escape my marriage. The whole '7-year itch' thing. This is crazy though, as I do love my wife and want to know her forever, regardless of how our relationship ends up. Sometimes I think that if I just stop thinking and get on with being a good husband then I'll be happy and can forget about all this nonsense and self-centred thinking. Thing is, that's what I've been doing the last 7 years of my marriage and it keeps coming back. I don't have kids, so I can't speak from that perspective. How old are they? If you did decide you were a lesbian and had to divorce, maybe speaking with them about how you made a mistake in what you thought and how if affected you could help teach them about belief systems and how the world isn't black and white? That's not to say they wouldn't be devastated, obviously. Although I don't have children, I have been put on a pedestal and looked up to by my wife, family and friends for my entire life. I was always the one who had his head together, was dependable, reliable and consistent. I'm sure it's not the same as it is being a parent, but I do feel that other people had made an idealised version of me that I had to live up to. Don't know if that helps at all, guess I just wanted to let you know that I feel the same from time to time.
When I was bargaining with myself, I had the exact same sentiment as what your experiencing. Continue to seek out the clarity your looking for!
I have a large family, ranging in age from 15 to 5. We're already in the process of a divorce for other reasons. The kids don't know, and we haven't told them because my husband has said that when things settle down a little he wants to fix our relationship if we can and therefore the kids don't need to know (I'm convinced at least one of the kids knows though). But I'm living on my own. And this issue is part of my decision process in the whole "do I want to fix things?" I do know my husband would have to change drastically, me being a lesbian or not, and I don't think he will. And then of course, there is the issue of if I am a lesbian or bi, and I'm beginning to feel it's more likely then not. I don't know how much exactly our kids truly believe in our faith or how much they're just going along with what they're taught, but I know all of them do believe it on their own to some degree...then their father still claims to believe at least most of it.
