I am here to find an unbiased opinion. I've been on all of those OCD sites centered around orientation and of course they will just tell me it is HOCD, which I also recognize is not a real diagnoses. Before I start I have had obsessive compulsive tendencies over harming people, and about death and disease. I have not been officially diagnosed, but have talked to therapists who believe I do have OCD. I would tell you the long narrative of how I have always been straight, that I have a girlfriend that I am in love with, that I enjoy vaginal sex immensely. However, I'll cut to the chase. I'm 20 years old and one day, out of nowhere, the "Am I gay?" thought hit me like a truck. There was no evidence or indication that I was gay, I have never had a crush on a male, never found them sexually attractive and still do not. I could not get this idea out of my head so I needed to test it. I was in a constant state of anxiety, I could not eat or sleep, or enjoy life because this thought would just keep me awake. One early morning, at around four I had gone crazy over these thoughts and decided to check gay porn, no arousal and overall disgust. In the next couple of days I tried the same thing with similar results. I would get aroused fantasizing about women or watching women then quickly switch to gay porn or switch my thoughts to gay thoughts and they disgust me, I would lose arousal instantly. I would try to masturbate to mental images of men to see if I could but I don't get aroused until I think about women. This isn't enough to prove it to me, so I have to look at pictures of attractive or naked men to check, I don't find them sexually attractive at all and the naked male body kind of repulses me. I have much more positive feelings about naked women and fantasizing about women and become aroused by them fairly easily. When I try to masturbate to men it's awfully boring and I can't get an erection. Nothing about a males body does anything for me. I have no sexual attraction to males, romantic attraction to males, but my mind keeps telling me I do. Obviously I have some type of emotional attraction to men, if you'd call it that, because I have male friends and enjoy being friends with them, nothing sexual at all. This unrelenting doubt has taken over my life, I don't want to break up with my girlfriend because I am in love with her. Just looking for some closure, an unbiased opinion.
Hey, I'm questioning my orientation at the moment. The acts you describe carrying out, I have done too. And I have the opposite reaction -- they really turn me on. I have thoughts about being with men sexually in my mind a lot. They arouse me. Looking back on life I can see that some close male friendships I had were probably love or at least a crush. I think I am either bi or gay. I know I am not straight. I'm not saying that you are not gay, but the arousal I have to men led me to ask 'am I gay'? The thought 'am I gay' by itself did not lead me to this questioning. Hope that makes sense and seems logical? Don't know if that helps at all, and I wouldn't want to advise you either way, as I am so unsure of myself too. Just wanted to share my experience in the hope that it could be helpful to you. Maybe consider speaking to a professional about this? If this is OCD, then they will be able to help you separate the obsessions and the compulsions until they stop bothering you. All the best.
I see what you mean, but I've been compulsively reviewing my past to see if theres any male crushes or anything but nope only females. I have never felt a friendship be stronger than anything but a friendship. That, I am certain of. ---------- Post added 31st Mar 2017 at 10:32 AM ---------- Emotional attraction may have been the wrong term. Attraction is such an ambiguous term I don't know how to explain it. Platonic relationship? Friendship? I don't know, never felt anything for a male aside form friendship.
You don't sound gay to me OP, it sounds like HOCD. I think a lot of us know what our orientation is somewhat, or it feels right. It sounds like you pretty much know you are straight. The fact that men don't attract you or turn you on, plus you don't seem to have a romantic attraction towards them is a pretty good sign you are straight. I'd keeping going with therapy if you can afford it.
Please don't use the term "HOCD", as there's no standalone condition known as HOCD. There is only OCD. From reading your (OP's) description, there's absolutely nothing I see to indicate any attraction to men. Given that your therapist thinks you have OCD, and what you're describing is consistent with OCD symptoms, I think it's safe to say here that this is what is going on. I would suggest that you talk to your therapist more about this. You may also want to read the book "Brain Lock", which is about non-drug based approaches to managing OCD. And it may be worthwhile considering medication to manage the anxiety or OCD symptoms, as it seems, in your case, that the symptoms may be pretty unmanageable.
Thank you for the info Chip, I'm not really familiar with OCD and that was how I've seen it referred to on this site and others.
