Since high school I thought I was Pan. I fell in love with my ex and was brutally betrayed by him and abused by him for 2 and a half years (I'm a woman btw and I'm 21). Now I feel disgusted by men like 70% of the time and I can't stand to look at men being affectionate. I can't tell if I feel like this because I'm recovering from a severe trauma or if this is my life now. Please don't get me wrong and think that I hate men because I don't. I really really don't. There is just like this sick feeling that I get in my stomach when I think about men in a sexual or romantic way. Because of this I have no idea what my sexuality is and I feel really lost and alone. I feel so stupid for dating and moving in with my ex in the first place. To make matters worse he went out of his way to cheat on me with four women (one trans woman) just to spite me. He literally told me that it was to spite me. There were a whole lot of disgusting things he forced me into sexually and idk I'm just so confused. Please feel free to delete if this isn't allowed.
First i wouldnt worry about trying to label ur sexuality. What difference does it make? U like what u like and hopfully u are at peace with that. Its not really for other people to need to know unless u wanna let them know. Well do u find women attactive? Maybe u are simply gay. Any past traumas are hard to over come so yes this could have effected u. Have u seeked any help before? As i say it could be u simply dont like men in that way which is perfectly fine. U are only 21, i wouldnt worry too much maybe try and relax and have fun and enjoy life. See what happens. Maybe one day a man or a womam could walk into ur life and change everything...
beeb, you're not stupid for dating and moving in with him, you were doing what you thought was right at the time. Abusers get in your head and make everything feel like it's your fault, like you are the dirty one, the one who is always wrong or stupid or irritating or even abusive. But it what happened was not your fault. While it would have been great had we heeded the warning signs, ultimately you are not responsible for his bad and abusive behavior. Abusive behavior in general is designed to isolate you and condition you as a dependent. It sounds like that ex has hurt you deeply, I agree that you need time to heal from what happened. If you can afford it, you might want to consider finding a therapist to help process your trauma. Otherwise seeking out online communities for survivors of abuse and trauma can help too. I don't think you need to redefine your sexuality unless you want to. Imo it's ok identify as pan while you put thinking about your attraction to men on hold as you heal, or if you want to focus on dating women/nb people. And if you decide that you don't want to date a man again, despite still feeling occasional attraction towards them, that is ok too.
