I am a 20 year old girl who has always identified as straight with utter confidence. That said, I've had a very difficult and traumatic week and it's left me nearly at a nervous breaking point. I have never questioned my sexuality before this week. I need to make sense of this. Here is a truncated version of my thoughts (I originally wrote 4 pages in microsoft word with even more vulgar language and evidence all that). So, I have always, without provocation or reason, liked men sexually and emotionally as far as I could understand. When I was a little girl, I wanted a handsome husband. As a 13 year old, I wanted a brooding bad boy/singer type. Age 20 I wanted the poetic drug addict. The usual. • For the past 20 years of my life I have never had a crush on a girl or remember wanting to fuck one. “Hot” is not a word I have ever used in context to a woman, in my head or otherwise. • I have always had a slight visceral appreciation for big boobs, though I don’t get wet every time I see some. It’s been maybe 5-10 times in my life I have ever really gotten aroused for boobs, but I think that as women they’re our sexiest body part. I have a lot of hangups about my own boobs. I used to really like them and their size but since I lost weight and regained it, and been rejected by a man I admired, I have lost a lot of illusions about how attractive they are (or aren't). It's caused me some compulsive pain. • For the last few months I’ve been suffering awful body image issues and want to have bigger boobs like crazy, to the point I have considered illegal, dangerous, and probably ineffective methods to achieve them without surgery since I don’t have the money for it. • On the internet, I've found a number of images and depictions that objectify women and read the "perfect body!" comments men leave on them. This has brought nearly to tears with jealousy. • Now, in the last week I have begun to see women through the eyes of those men, and been able to look at voluptuous women’s bodies with not only jealousy but primal attraction as well. I have found a small handful of fantasy images of women which cause me compulsive and intense arousal that I just don't relate to. • My first and only orgasm was at roughly age 14 from watching an attempted gang rape scene (A Clockwork Orange) in which the female was nude and struggling. I've read het fanfiction and been aroused by it a good deal but never had any orgasm or felt as immediate a reaction. That leads me to the ultimate reason why I'm questioning myself even though I always thought I was straight as an arrow: • I have never felt as immediately horny over vanilla, male-exclusive fantasies/images as I did observing that image and a few others. I don't watch porn, I've only read hetero sexy fanfiction and that gets me invested and excites me but in a slower way. I don't like yaoi or yuri. Never watched porn before. • I am suffering hideous anxiety, depression, and repetitive thoughts and have been for a few years. I am not currently medicated. • Is this a case of projection/psychic tripping or what? Am I desperate for a man to see me in a sexual light? Do I just hate myself? What do I do, I really need to know. I’m celibate, a virgin, only dated one dude which was an emotionally heartrending experience for me, and I'm very shy and anxious. I don’t want to get with girls now or in the future, but how else am I going to get off the way I did to those images? I don't want my identity to change but I don’t know what to think anymore. I've never taking a magnifying glass to my sexuality, it's always been other things my anxiety focuses on. In my anxious state I have considered being with girls and whatnot, and I don’t really like it but since I was horny I fantasized anyway and I don’t know what to think. Am I taking pieces from separate puzzles and trying to piece them together when they just don’t fit? Is my heterosexuality normal to you? Am I just insanely kinky? (That sounds almost as awful to me as being a sexuality I'm not familiar with, but I digress) How do other straight girls feel about what I’ve just said? Is this all about my simultaneous attraction and hatred for my own body manifesting as an attraction to violent/glamorous female images? Thank you for listening. It’s been a difficult and emotional week for me and I just want to know if I’m the same person I always thought I was or if I’m gay and never knew it. Either way, something's very wrong with my mind and I'm scared and uncomfortable.
Hey, I know this stuff can be difficult to understand, but it really does sound like you could be gay, or at least bisexual with a female preference. And absolutely nothing is wrong with that Usually in these cases it isn't idealizing the body of the same sex, it is actually attraction, unlike what I kept telling myself. Be awesome. Peace.
Hey, I know this stuff can be difficult to understand, but it really does sound like you could be gay, or at least bisexual with a female preference. And absolutely nothing is wrong with that Usually in these cases it isn't idealizing the body of the same sex, it is actually attraction, unlike what I kept telling myself. Be awesome. Peace.
i personally slightly lean towards feeling you might be straight and just are at a point in time where you are questioning things, which i am sure everyone does, and that sexual feelings tend to be sort of weird before you have them figured out -- but i very much would not want to discourage you from thinking more about this i think it is rather common for people to begin recognizing not being straight from initial sexual feelings, at least i hear it rather often, and it is certainly common for there to be girls who internally have rejected liking girls romantically, not because they cant like girls romantically but because they have internalized that it is not good or normal to. i mean to say that this could lead somewhere, but there other possible things too. please though, maybe try to think about girls in a relationship sense, having a girl who loves you romantically and dating her, doing both romantic and sexual things, as deeply as you can focus, on what sounds good and what does not, and maybe why you reject some things but accept others. i hope everything works out for you
I know you want advice from straight women, which I am not, but: I myself have fantasized about men many times and I very much prefer porn including both sexes. But I have never had a crush on anyone male, have never gone through with sleeping with one and have barely kissed one - and that was just sort of awkward. I have never felt connected to a man, yet even male gay porn can turn me on. Fantasies and Porn (which is basically also fantasy) don't really tell you about your sexuality. Seeing someone of the same sex being aroused can be a huge turn on for many people. But to be sure, I would wait. Time might make things clearer.
