I'm 21 years old, a college student, and have been in several sexual relationships with men. I've always considered myself straight, and strongly attracted to men. I'm very feminine in both attire and appearance, and have never been attracted to women. However, I was in Cabo for spring break last week and I met this amazing, beautiful woman in the bathroom. I complimented her dress and she told me how she maximized her trip by letting men buy her drinks and then telling them she was gay. She was my age, from Arizona State, and I was immensely attracted to her. I've never felt that way about a woman, and I was immediately intoxicated by just being around her. We started making out in a club, and headed to her place to hookup. We had amazing sex, and it was my first time being with a woman. I loved every second of it. She was so beautiful and kind, and it was completely different from being with a man. She was soft and pretty, and I loved the feeling of being close to her. Over the course of the next few days, I suddenly remembered my father's intense homophobia in my childhood. I remembered that I feared I was sexually attracted to girls. In 5th and 6th grade I would cry myself to sleep at night praying to god I would like boys, though in elementary and middle school I was not interested in them. I wasn't very attracted to the boys in my high school, and didn't lose my virginity until college. Is it possible that I've suppressed these painful memories of crying myself to sleep and completely forgot about them because this was so traumatic and not accepted in my family? Am I a lesbian? Or am I bi? I've always thought I was entirely heterosexual, but now I can't stop thinking about that girl. And remembering all these traumatic nights of trying to pray the gay away has me wondering if I just tried to fool myself into liking men for years. Thoughts? How did you know you were bi or a lesbian?
Hey, I think you'll find that there are quite a few of us that can relate to your experience. I grew up in a fundamentalist christian context, and I knew that being gay was a terrible sin. It didn't stop me desiring sex with the same gender though. The fear of judgment and hell caused me to deny many of these feelings, and I'm only just starting to come to terms with the fact that I have had them throughout life. I never 'knew' that I was gay and tried to pray it away, but I did teach myself to self-censor my homosexual desire and deny it whenever the though started to appear in my mind. The difficult thing for me is now trying to unpick my past to come to terms with my sexuality. I know that I am not straight, and I could be either bisexual or pretty much fully gay. I'm trying to discover to what extent my attraction to the opposite sex is learned behaviour put on me through church and society, and to what extent it is a genuine attraction. You're lucky that you are not married or in a long term relationship like I am! Definitely figure this out for yourself before you make any commitments to anyone, and feel free to share more of your religions upbringing here. Always good to hear that we're not alone
Hello I'm also 21 and I can relate to a some of what you're saying. I've been questioning and a week or so ago I remember crying in the shower a couple times and praying to not be gay. Like the person above I'm now just trying to figure out how much of attraction to the opposite sex is learned behavior too. It's very difficult so you're definitely not alone! Good luck!
Have been raised in a JW household and a Muslim household, and was Catholic for about a year, so I know about denying bi/homosexuality due to false thoughts that it is unnatural and a sin. Don't worry, it'll fade
I feel that, after processing through my sexuality I remember once when I was very young being turned on by this one channel that made these female contestants strip down to their underwear. Being turned on by it scared and confused me so I asked my mom to block the channel with parental controls. There were a few other cases like that (but I didn't ask my mom to block those), only now am I realizing that I was attracted to them because they were women. My parents were homophobic in kinda subtle, condescending/disapproving ways, and that in part made me suppress my attraction to women. Agree with the others who say that their attraction to the opposite sex seems to be almost entirely learned behavior, mixed with self censoring too in my case.
