Sexual Fluidity

This might have been better in the "later than life" area, but I wanted to hear what people thought of this.

Unlike a lot of people, I can't say I was forcing myself to like guys or something, or that I always "knew". With my beliefs if I thought I had known I would have sent myself to some reparative therapy place. I'm not joking. It was more that I was ignoring and suppressing my feelings towards girls, or I would label those feelings as something else. Like when I liked a celebrity who was a guy it was ok to comment on his appearance but when it was a woman I couldn't admit how much I noticed her appearance.

But I stopped noticing guys other then my husband a long time ago. Even with him sometimes I wondered if I had missed my calling to be a nun because it really felt like I could give up sex without a problem. The sexual thoughts about women would pop up, I would stuff them, then go a while.

Now it seems like the thoughts are much stronger towards women then men. Is it just because for the first time ever I'm allowing myself to notice it and acknowledge it for what it is, or is it because my life has changed so much, or both? Is this what sexual fluidity is? I got a 2 or 3 on the Kinsey Scale, but I wasn't sure how accurate the questions were for me simply because it seemed based on the idea that you had or wanted to have a wider sexual experience then I have.

I don't know exactly what I'm asking. It just kind of feels like I must be making this up on some level because I have had a happy marriage for the most part. And yet a nagging, constant unhappiness with life is what has led me into asking this.

 

Well, I think it's a lot of things, and I wouldn't want to say any one reason has been why I've been unhappy. And I've also had some very happy times with my family. Part of it I think is different traumas I've been though, some of it is the bipolar disorder. But there seems to be an underlying discontent or something. I don't really know how to word it. It just has felt like I've been putting far too much effort into being happy with far too little return, and as I've came out of this most recent depression and asked myself what I'm not being honest about, what I'm holding back, among other things that came up my sexuality came up.

I can honestly say I've always been sexually attracted to women, and that the idea of a romantic relationship with a woman excited me enough to where I never let my mind go down that path. But I can also say I've been sexually attracted to men, and I wasn't forcing anything or faking interest to hide my other feelings; I honestly was attracted to the men I dated.

The last couple of years or so my marriage hasn't been so great, for many reasons. And there definitely seems to be a correlation between the decline of my marriage and the increase in my feelings towards women. But I also wonder if those feelings played any part in my marriage problems. And those feelings have been there through my whole marriage- certainly stronger at some times then others, but they have always been there.