Hey everyone. Right now, I'm a closeted lesbian in real life, except to my family and friends. The main reason is that every time I come out, I end up finding people who pressure me to sleep with them. The curious straight girls have been everywhere. Seems whenever I tell them I'm a lesbian, they get excited about getting to experiment with me and have a hard time taking no for an answer. Or they get more "sexual-minded" with me. It's never been as far as actual assault, just that they keep hitting on me and saying sexual things that make me uncomfortable once they find out. I try to tell them to stop, but they don't get it. I realize some people will say "I should be grateful that women want to sleep with me", but in all honesty, I don't like casual sex or hook-ups at all. I like committed relationships. I'm looking for a girlfriend, not some quick lay. Just doesn't interest me. But people won't believe it and will question how can I even be a lesbian if I'm turned-off by sleeping with random girls? Even dating is a nightmare. I was set up with some girl a few months ago who had a boyfriend and was just looking for some threesome. She didn't tell me upfront, and I got really scared and left when I found out. I'm tired of being treated like an object and not like a human being who has her own desires and values. I tried to leave those old situations, but I'm headed for college soon and realize it might happen again. Should I just stay closeted throughout college, or is there a way to shut it down? Thanks for any advice/experience.
I say do what makes you comfortable. I know that many colleges/universities have LGBT groups, so you could look into joining one. I think that's a great way to meet more people who are dealing with similar issues as you. Also, if you happen to find yourself in a good group of friends (who are understanding/welcoming), then I would say go for it. And maybe this is more from personal experience, but I found that the people at my university were far more welcoming and open minded than those at my high school. I wasn't out in high school (well, I hadn't even realized that being bi/gay was a possibility for me then), but I found that my high school was very divided into groups, so to speak. If you didn't fit in anywhere then you were alone, and there was no visible LGBT population in my school. There are so many new people at college who come from so many different backgrounds, and I'm sure that you'll find people who will accept you for who you are, and who will respect you for that.
I'd recommend to stay in the closet until you know if the people you are coming out to are respectful. You could do that by spending some time with them, asking about their opinions on LGBT people and listening. I can't tell exactly if a girl is going to pressure you into hook ups, but you may be able to find a pattern in them. By the way, even if you happen to get outed to a curious girl, you can always say "no". Your lesbian identity shouldn't be questioned because you refuse to sleep around with any lady you find.
It does seem like some straight people have this idea about LGBT folks that we must just want to hookup with everyone from our preferred gender. You are right that this is like being treated like an object rather than a complex person who also desires a relationship with another complex person. I know straight men are sort of notorious for treating lesbian women this way. I had not really heard about straight women doing it as well. Either way I think a lot of it spawns from ignorance. One approach for you may be simply to explain it to them. Obviously it depends on the situation and the person you are dealing with.
