So I'm just going to write this to vent out... As you can read from the title, it's basically what this whole post is concerned about. I'm 17, male, and for the most part I haven't been comfortable with the fact that I’m gay. I came to accept that from tons of coming out videos and advice here and all over the internet that being gay isn't wrong. I came out to myself and that's a big step for me, but I’m still closeted to my family and friends. The problem is that progress wasn't always in a linear fashion as I would expect.. feelings of shame and guilt come back every now and then, and I start being uncomfortable with the fact that I'm not attracted to women. Even worse is that I'm too embarrassed to talk about these feelings to anyone, but I just can't bottle them down anymore, so I just feel the need to pour them out here because it's a safe space. What I came to understand through a lot of research about feeling ashamed is that this is probably due to my upbringing. This I would largely agree on, I have been raised in a very conservative community and taught that not only is sex strictly between a man and a women, but also that it strictly for procreation, even sex for pleasure is taboo. Homosexuality is exoticized and ostracized because being gay would be the complete opposite of this "ideal"... It was only from the internet that I've come to understand the spectrum and fluidity of human sexual orientation. So, I guess what I’m trying to do is break free from a homophobic upbringing. It's just that I find it really hard to do so... My next major problem I guess is my deep fear of intimacy. I just don't feel comfortable being intimate and open with another guy even on a platonic level, and I also feel ashamed of this. It's largely due to the fact that I know my parents won't approve of who I love, and so it just doesn't feel right to me. I see a lot of conversations on being in relationships and I see gay couples everywhere online so I feel like I’m supposed to be in a relationship anytime soon. The thing is I don't think I would ever want to be in one at the moment, I don't think I ever will be in a long time, not until I at least have a strong acceptance of who I am, and at least some form of self-worth and independence from my family. I'm hoping I would be this person after I graduate university. Maybe, who knows.. I guess it's a relatively long post but it’s mainly what I want to say, I just feel really alone and I don't have any openly gay friends. Even if watch people being openly gay, the fact that it's through a cold screen doesn't really do much as opposed to physically being there with them, so I still feel lonely. As I said in the beginning I just wanted to vent out but would love to hear anything you have to say if you have anything. I am thankful of any person who took the time to read through this, and I hope I explained what I'm feeling clearly enough through these words, Thanks.
Hi There, Welcome to EC :smilewave First off, congratulations to you for coming out to yourself and working on accepting yourself under what I'm sure are very challenging circumstances. Second, and regarding relationships - there aren't really any rules about when you 'should' be in a relationship. For one thing, there is another person involved in the process and so it's not so simple as just deciding to be in one. You have to find someone who wants to decide to be in one with you A relationship will come when it feels right for both of you. Don't feel like you must be in one to be happy and it can actually be a good thing to be comfortable and happy even if you aren't in a relationship. Treat a relationship as the icing on a really delicious cake that is the life you build, not as an end in itself. Finally, it's good that you are both understanding the challenges of your parents acceptance right now and focusing on the future to help with that situation. Once you are out on your own, with more experience with life in general and running your own life, and being financially independent of them, you will find that you have a lot more options and that approval isn't necessarily as important as it is now. Hope this helps and best of luck to you Todd
Hello! I can relate to you're self-acceptance not being something very linear. I've accepted that I'm not straight, at least. However sometimes when I go and have conversations with straight people (and that's really the only people I know) I slowly start to feel those feelings of shame again, I want to fit in. I grew up religiously too, not quite as conservative though. It's gonna be hard to officially accept myself but like you I really feel like i don't want to be in a relationship with anyone until I reach that point. I feel alone too, and I'm not sure what to do about it yet. I don't think my comment was very helpful but I just wanted you to know that I read it and I can relate to some of it. You're not alone!
Well done, it must be hard to come to this self-acceptance in your circumstances, and I believe that it's quite common for that to be non-linear anyway. Can you make plans for ways you could end up in a place where you will have more freedom? Are you likely to go to university? If so is there any possibility of doing this in a western country? If this sounds like a good idea maybe you can start laying groundwork with your parents - admiration of certain universities, desire to experience a different culture and how that may make you more employable in your own country in the future... whatever arguments you can think of.
Hi CharacterStudy, thanks for the reply, I am actually thinking of studying in the UK, my parents are fine with it which is great. I really do want to travel to a western country to study because the only way for me to be comfortable with myself is to see and meet people from the queer community and finally not feel like I'm not an outsider. I'm going to try my best to get accepted from the universities in the UK! Wish me luck ! ---------- Post added 11th Apr 2017 at 02:21 AM ---------- Hi quizzicalbrow, thank you for writing, just wanted to say that you are indeed helping by making my feelings relevant It is really difficult to deal with the fact of being ashamed with one's sexuality, something out of anyone's control... It creates a lot of emotional hurt... I guess really the only thing to do is to endure and like you said try to reach that point of self acceptance. I just hope it gets at least a little bit better over time, for all of us.
Hi AKTodd, It's easy for me to undermine the effort that I've done to come out to myself, and I want to thank you for bringing this effort this to my attention, I now feel actually quite proud of myself for getting this far given my circumstances I've been thinking about what you said about being comfortable and happy before starting a relationship, and also about waiting until I have more experience in life in general to see that approval isn't as important as it is now.. Just want to say that these are really important messages that I will definitely keep in mind. But I do have to say, sometimes I feel like even if I did have more experience in life and even if I was independent from my parents that I would still want approval from my them. I want a strong loving relationship with them even when I grow up, not a relationship that's cold and distant. I guess maybe the solution is to just accept the harsh possibility (or even the reality) that they might never accept me and just move on... it's just going to be hard though, I wish it was easier..
AT, Welcome to EC! Reading your post, while you recognize the struggle with shame and internalized homophobia is very real, your post also reflects a good amount of understanding the root cause for these difficult emotions. Sorry to sound a bit cliche, but recognizing the underlying cause is half the battle! So it's great that your starting with the basic understanding as to what causes shame and internalized homophobia - the negative LGBT messaging you were exposed to while growing up. And so your proper next question is, how do I over come such emotions? Before I attempt to address this based on my experience, I do want to reflect on your comment regarding relationships. As you stated, you do not feel ready to have one. Well, there is no rush to enter one. So, rather than worry about a relationship, instead how about just working through the shame and internalized homophobia? As I worked through my own Shame and Internalized Homophobia, I often felt I was taking two steps forward and one step back. As you said, it's not linear. As you make progress, you will also have some set backs. When the set backs happen, just take some deep breaths and recognize it's a normal part of development. So, how to deal with the shame and internalized homophobia? Well, having a way to express yourself and work through it with others is clearly the way to start. As you already recognize, EC can be a safe place to do so. Given you live in Jordan, and if I recall from some of my friends from Jordan, being gay is not illegal although it still is a conservative country. Given it is not illegal, I am not sure if there are therapists trained in dealing with sexuality, but if you can find one that is trained, as well one that is not looking to try and "cure" you, maybe that is another consideration for you to take. But, for the time being, let's assume counseling is not an option shall we? So, let me tell you the steps I took to help me manage shame and internalized homphobia. And I say "manage" rather than "eliminate" because these emotions will most likely always be with you to one degree or another. Early on, I accepted that I would not be able to eliminate them 100 percent, and instead I would work to manage them. I then started to think about all the negative LGBT messaging I was exposed to over time where such messaging diminished my confidence and self esteem. I took a methodolocal approach and actually wrote a list of specific events that I could recall in life which included generally (and just to name a few): 1. Expressions made from from my parents (whether real or perceived) 2. Teasing from siblings 3. Taunting and bullying in school 4. Negative portraits of LGBT as reflected in TV, Movies and other media 5. Religious doctrine 6. Early attempts at unsuccessful gay relationships I then started to consciously think about how each of these events created shame which lead to developing internalized homophobia. I also reflected on how the shame and internalized homophobia diminished my self esteem and confidence. And when my self esteem and confidence was diminished, how That then lead to a negative self image. Understanding the root causes helped me then create a critical path to rebuild from. If I could find closure from these events, realize how my perceptions associated with each one were wrong, I could then dimish the shame and internalized homophobia, which in turn would lead me to build my self esteem and confidence. Once my self esteem and confidence were built, I found that I learned to love myself and feel good about whom I am. I should add another important concept: VULNERABILITY. Vulnerability is a key concept, and making yourself vulnerable, putting yourself out there, taking risks, learning from those risks (both the success and failures), helps to build confidence and restore your self esteem. I personally find the beneficial impact of vulnerability in conjunction with finding closure, to be critical to healing and personal development. Ok then, how to find closure, make yourself vulnerable and realize that what you learned from all of the negative messages were wrong? Well, here is another to do list: 1. Talk to others about their experiences. Given the complexities associated with where you live, EC is a GREAT resource for doing so! Just he same, if there are LGBT groups you may be able to get involved with in Amman, then consider trying to do so. 2. Build a social network of other LGBT friends. You can learn from each other. As per the last comment, maybe there are groups, even underground, in your city that you can get involved with. 3. Read, read, read, read as much as you can. Go to LGBT oriented websites that discuss LGBT issues. Read magazines, books (The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs is one of my particular favorites), join online discussion groups and forums. Hear about others experiences, read articles that address the specific list you developed from above. Absorb what you read. 4. Consider starting your own blog where you can express your thoughts and hear from others. The more ways you can engage, the more you can learn. 5. Travel if you can. I do not know what type of means you have. But since your considering going to the U.K., or other countries, try and do so. As you travel, meet other people. Engage with them. Learn about other cultures and how the LGBT community fits in. 6. As you travel, try and attend a gay pride event. Seeing others express their identities is a great way to heal yourself. 7. Talk to People and open up to them. This is the ultimate form of vulnerability, and you need to take great care before deciding to do so, particularly given your family and cultural circumstances. Your are best able to decide when and if it is right for you to come out to others. As you do come out, and as you gain support from others, you will find a material improvement on your self esteem and confidence. If coming out to your family is not viable, consider if there are friends that you do trust and can talk to. As well, if there are ways to actively participate in the LGBT community in Jordan as stated above, where you can open up, consider doing so. I can go on and on, but hopefully this gives you some initial thoughts to consider. I would also just ask that you have patience. This is a process. It takes time and effort. Working through shame and internalized homophobia requires building yourself up piece by piece. Based on my own evolution, I believe you can find success! And as stated previously, do not worry about your current feelings towards relationships. First work on yourself. Then over time, as you do, you might find your feelings about relationships progresses as well. I hope this is a helpful start. Please continue to post! Oh, one final comment, I have been to Amman. You do live in a wonderful city! As any other places, there is good and bad, but yours definitely seems to tilt towards the side of good compared to many other places I have traveled.
Having been giving this more thought after writing it, I thought it worth exploring a bit further the concepts of vulnerability and closure. I believe, based on my own journey, they are two fundamental concepts. Making myself vulnerable and finding closure helped me shed the shame and heal from internalized homophobia. The result, I was able to build self esteem and confidence leading me to learn to love myself. Given the importance of the concepts, I thought it would be beneficial to explore them a bit further: Vulnerability, as stated above, is a key concept, and when you make yourself vulnerable, you put yourself out there, take risks and learn from those risks (both the success and failures). As per the translation I searched for on the internet, vulnerability is "the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally". Now, I fully recognize that consciously making ourselves vulnerable is easier said than done. Why would we ever want to put ourselves into harms way? That sounds crazy, doesn't it? Well, at the core of deciding to take the risk and make yourself vulnerable, one needs to feel they will ultimately benefit from doing so. Otherwise, why take the risk? The benefit of making yourself vulnerable is the inherent confidence you build within yourself when either a) you realize such action did not lead to being attacked or harmed or b) you find fortitude and strength to deal with being attacked and harmed and see you are ok afterwords. When you are able to manage through the unpleasantness, or alternatively if you realize nothing bad actually happened, you should expect to build confidence and improve your self esteem. What does this really mean? It means that you need a bit of confidence up front to make yourself vulnerable in order to build confidence from being vulnerable. A bit circle, isn't it? The circularity suggests one thing to me - we all inherently have confidence deep within each of ourselves. And the challenge is to find that confidence and bring it to the forefront! This is what being vulnerable is all about from my perspective. Often times, the confidence which comes from within gets there because of a catalyst, an event which causes us to say to ourselves "I can not take this anymore". And when we reach that point, we dig deep inside and pull the confidence out to begin our journey and make ourselves vulnerable. Often I have been asked, how do you build confidence, and I have previously stated the need to take baby steps and have small wins which will lead to taking larger risks and larger wins. All which lead to finding the confidence inside of us. Well, this concept holds true and is all based on the concept of vulnerability just as our respective catalyst moments cause us to say to ourselves "I can not take this anymore". So, what about closure? Again, lets now look at one of the internet definitions of closure, "a feeling that an emotional or traumatic experience has been resolved." When we find closure to emotional or traumatic experiences we are able to move on from those negative experiences and not allow such experiences to hold us back. Inaction is the biggest reason for not reaching a persons full potential. If we do not take action, we stay behind the emotional walls we have built and limit our ability and/or desire to make ourselves vulnerable. In order to shed ourselves of shame and internalized homophobia, we must push ourselves to move forward, and finding closure helps remove our emotional shackles. Like vulnerability, finding closure is often easier said than done. First step is to identify what emotional traumas occurred that created the shackles to begin with. This requires much thought and contemplation. The next step is to figure out a strategy to best find closure. Finding closure can come from many different ways. It can occur when you identify with other people that have had similar emotional experiences as our own; and seeing that they are able to progress past those experiences. It may come from reading about the emotional traumas and being able to relate to what you read. Sometimes it comes from confronting those situations first hand with the people that brought on the emotional trauma to begin with and realizing your a better person than what you first perceived. And more so than not, it comes from making ourselves vulnerable and seeing the benefits having taken the risks and succeeding! By way of example, one of the early emotional traumas that impacted me occurred as a child when I was on a bus being driven home school every day. Another student used to taunt me and tease me, accusing me of being gay and saying such in a derogatory way. To this day I recall that event not in its true form, but more as an amalgamation of all the times I was teased and taunted. Well, as a result of this trauma, I recall watching a movie called "In & Out". In that movie, a comedy, there was a scene where the main character is listening to a self help audio program about how to "act like a man" and be "more masculine". I further recall practicing the points being made in the audio (which was being done satirically and comically as part of the the movie, but which I took seriously). I consciously tried to change my behavior to match what a "Masculine Man" was supposed to be, rather than simply being myself. Doing so, I perceived, would help me from the emotional pain caused from the trauma on the school bus. So, how did I find closure? In the first instance I made myself vulnerable. I took the risk of coming out and telling others that I was gay. I then took further risks and began to express myself as I truly was rather than the person I tried to portray to be. And after I came out what was the resulting impact? Well, nothing is in a straight line of course, but overall I realized that coming out was the best decision I could have ever made for my own emotional well being. I received overwhelming positive support (and a few cases of dissension). The overall support when I made myself vulnerable built my confidence, the confidence and improved self esteem I gained helped me reconnect with whom I truly am. Whom i truly am was not a "Masculine Man" as I have perceived it, but instead a person with a wide range of emotions and sensitivities. As a result, I was able to shed this image of masculinity that I projected. Circling back to the initial emotional trauma, I found closure to those childhood events when I realized i am perfectly comfortable being myself, being gay, and not worrying about what others perceive me to be or how others taunted me. As a result, I found closure to the early childhood trauma. With closure, I found resolution and have been able o move on. So, Vulnerability goes hand in hand with Closure. Ying and Yang. Both are important concepts to help us move forward with our lives, build confidence and self esteem and manage shame and internalized homophobia.
Sorry if I write this first of all...but I find you have a beautiful way of writing. You seem a very kind and almost humble person. I hope you do not misunderstand me, I think that that's a quality that should be admired in people. You have great strength for trying to find your own way and break free from what ideals you have been brought up with. It is important that you see that loving someone, be it men or women or whoever you love is not wrong in any way. The fact of people not accepting love, of any kind, is something THEY should be ashamed of. I see it can be difficult. I have a friend who is gay and only his mother knows. He doesn't want to tell his father because he's extremely religious and conservative. The most important thing though is that he is confident and comfortable with himself. ...and I think you're on the right path to achieving that too keep going even if it's difficult. Anything else can wait.
Dear OnTheHighway, I can't thank you enough for taking the time to write your posts, getting perspectives from other people about my situation is actually why I took the courage to post this thread. What I can honestly say is that I will most definitely take your advice to heart. The reason I took sort of a long time to reply is in part trying to read and re-read your perspective which I would love to keep in my mind. I'm so grateful for your advice which I really do need so I can understand something I have honestly no idea how to start with.. That being said, what I also want to say is that you opened my perspective to two important concepts made through your responses, vulnerability and closure. I would also like to thank you for defining what they are and explaining how to acheive them. I think this thread is my first act of vulnerability, coming out to a large group of people. However now I understand that it doesn't stop here. You made me motivated to come out to my close friends one day, because you made me understand that this is a step among many other steps towards diminishing the shame with being gay. I'm actually really happy to realize that What I also understood is how important the act of self-reflection is for closure. I always dreaded confronting myself because it is those same memories that I have tried to repress for such a long time. For me they were mainly demeaning remarks from my parents and friends about gay people that I have overheard. I guess it's hard to find closure from these remarks because of how hurtful they are... But now when I see how you explained your own progress by confronting yourself, it makes me motivated to do the same! I am in fact trying to consider finding confidence by posting more on EC, travelling, reading more etc.I can see why you would recommend that I travel, because once I do I feel a sense of independence from my parents and a distance from my background, and it's a good feeling of relief! I really do hope I'll travel more Again I can't thank you enough, such well thought-out responses I think deserve to be shown to any person struggling with the same issues as I am. I just feel everything feels a bit less confusing, which is just what I wanted to feel
Absolutely ! ---------- Post added 13th Apr 2017 at 03:10 PM ---------- Hi FlowerOfLife ! Thank you so much for your kind words ! They really do mean a lot to me You know I was actually a bit anxious about my way of writing, I thought it was a bit bad Also, thank you for believing I'm on the right path, sometimes I don't even know if I'm progressing or not, so It's nice to hear someone to tell me to keep going even though It's difficult. I do imagine someday I'll be open and confident and comfortable about it as you describe. I guess you could say I have made a little bit of progress, but I know I still have a long way
I can relate to what you're saying here. I come from a very religious family myself and grew up hearing about how gays are controlled by Satan, are I rebellion against God, and are mostly pedophiles. Realizing that I'm gay was a big crisis. Losing my parents over it definitely nailed in the shame and self hatred. It's better now, but I still can't say that I like myself the way I am or that I don't wish I was straight. One solution is to surround yourself with people who accept you. It doesn't solve everything - only you can do that - but it makes things easier. It made a huge difference for me and helped me see myself as a person rather than a monster. I don't think you should stress over relationships right now. Not being in one right now doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Besides, going into a relationship before resolving your own self-acceptance issues can end badly. I got into a relationship mainly because I really needed people's approval. Just anyone who could make me feel, e en for a moment, that's I'm okay. It didn't end well. It's natural to want to please your parents. As people we want our parents to be proud of us and pleased with us and approve of us. Sometimes it just doesn't happen. Sometimes they end up coming around. Like other people here wrote I think things will start falling into place once you get to a place where you can be out safely and meet other gay people who accept you. Like I wrote it was a big help for me. Good luck.
Hi Rin311, Thank you for sharing. I feel your shame and self-hatred all too well.. I do agree with you, surrounding myself with people who are accepting will indeed help to ease that shame as you and other people here mentioned.But you know I have to be honest with you, I'm not so optimistic about finally being in a place where I can be safely out... I don't know, my optimism about the future changes all the time, maybe I shouldn't stress about my future, but at the same time I really want to leave where I am and permanently live somewhere better. I guess you could say the main issue here is the anxiety towards my future. All I can really do I guess is to work extra hard in my education and hope for the best... Let's see where that takes me.. You're right I shouldn't stress on relationships right now, and I've realized that from most replies too. Before entering a relationship I need to like myself just the way I am. I just hope to reach that point where I don't feel like I wish I was straight as you mentioned. Maybe by then I will be able to be comfortable with being intimate, which is something that I would love to acheive.
Without giving too much identifying details here... you and I are neighbors, geographically. I'm Korean but I've lived in this country - which borders yours - my whole life. I understand the culture you're coming from and I totally agree that your life will improve once you're out of Jordan. I totally understand how alone you feel over there. There's really nothing you can do now but work hard so you can find your way out and build yourself in a more tolerant country. Waiting's tough, but that's the situation right now. Hang in there.
I'm sure you are on the right path I'm not worried about you. Yes the way might be long and difficult, but whenever you'll find yourself tired just think of what you can achieve if you just keep going! And all the people here on EC (also me) are sure going to be here to help you out as good as we can.
