Hello all, I had totally forgotten about this forum. Last time I posted was almost a year ago! Anyway, I don't know where else to speak about this stuff. A lot of stuff has happened in the year I didn't post. This post is really long so I'm sorry if it's ranting. I am questioning, heavily lately, my sexuality. Since I was 17, I've considered the level of romantic and sexual attraction I had to boys (At 17, I had what I felt like was a crush on a guy I knew. Sister's friend, if you will). Since that first crush, I felt so different. Like a door opened. I've had only girl crushes until 17, then my first boy crush. I haven't had any crushes since then. I think it's because I'm so damn terrified of who I might like next. It could be a woman. Or it could be another guy. I think subconsciously I shut down anything having to do with romantic/sexual feelings. What is torturous is that I will notice a pretty woman, or a handsome guy. Except handsome guys seem more interesting than pretty women. Just saying that right now gets me anxious. Like it's true, but I won't admit it. Or accept it? Then there's times when I feel like this whole thing going on is some dramatic ordeal that I'm putting on myself for some reason. Sometimes I get the idea that I'm lying to myself. I say, in my head things like "Why are you so obsessed about your sexuality?" or "Is this a problem or are you just faking it?" To me, I feel like I'm making excuses to downplay my questioning. That too makes me more anxious as it tells me that what I'm going through isn't fake and that scares the shit out of me. I've experimented with a guy in college two times. Despite not knowing him that well, and the awkwardness of that, I almost felt proud that I was kissing and touching a guy and not a woman. It felt good. Yet, at the same time, I felt like something was wrong. Very wrong. Yet again, I want more intimate moments with another guy, but something is stopping me. I find myself constantly obsessing over gay couples. If I see one I literally seethe in envy. And I keep asking myself, "Why are you obsessing over gay couples? What is it about them that triggers you." I guess I could say that I get triggered. I'm not sure. Anything LGBTQ-related puts me in such a nasty mood. Almost like brief periods of depression. I know a guy who has a boyfriend and whenever I think about that I get so mad and jealous. What is up with that? Meanwhile, I could give no care to straight couples and what they do. If anything, straight couples just annoy me. Like an annoying person is annoying. I am seeing a therapist regarding depression. We've been meeting for a year now, and she is now discussing with me my sexuality questioning. She herself said that I seem to shut down any part of me that is curious about this problem. I call my questioning a "problem" because it interferes with my life. As my therapist said, and I think she's right, part of my depression comes from this questioning. So that makes me think, would I be happier if I was gay? Or bisexual? Or whatever? Would I be happier if I could admit something to myself? I just don't know anymore. My mother had found out that I was questioning my sexuality, but I really don't remember how it happened. Either way, she said she would love me no matter what. Unfortunately, that didn't do anything for me. I don't feel any better knowing that. If anyone managed to read all this, I'm sorry for the length. I just had to get my thoughts out. Don't know who to talk to anymore.
Hey mrmarioluigi, I can certainly relate to your questioning. And, as a Bi guy, I want to say that you have a lot in common with me. But, of course, only you can actually know your own sexuality and no one can truly influence that. The most important thing is that you understand it for yourself. That is the only way that you can be comfortable with who you are. For example, you said that your mother found out that you are questioning and told you in no uncertain terms that she is totally accepting of you for who you are. That's certainly a wonderful response, but, as you said, it doesn't help with your questioning. While it may take some serious pressure off of you, it doesn't actually help you to understand your own sexuality. Unfortunately, the journey to understanding our own sexuality is one that each of us has to take alone. We can be supported (positively or negatively) by others, but, in the longrun, this is something that only we can figure out for ourselves. So, on to what you wrote about more specifically. You say that you've had crushes on guys (maybe more than girls), so it would seem that you are probably not straight. If you are comfortable with that, then the next question is whether you are most likely Bi or Gay. Being anxious or scared about being non-heterosexual is completely normal. We grow up in a heteronormative society and most of the people around us (often including parents and close friends) think that being other-than-heterosexual is, as the very least, weird or unusual - and, in the worst cases, perverse or an abomination. The reality is that we are who we are and we don't get to "choose" our sexuality. Heck, if we could "choose" our sexuality, how many homosexuals or bisexuals do you think would exist in the world? Why would anyone "choose" to be a minority that is discriminated against? Still, denying who we really are can only lead to long term issues for our mental and physical well-being as well as our overall inclusion in society. So, what is your sexuality? Again, only you can ever truly understand that. I can ask a couple of questions that might help clarify things for you a little bit. Do you fantasize (especially, but not exclusively, in terms of masturbation) (and without the use of pornography) romantically and sexually about women? Do you fantasize romantically and sexually about men? Do you fantasize romantically and sexually about both men and women (to any degree)? The way that you describe your first boy crush seems significant to me. You said that it was "like a door opened". That seems to indicate that you are not heterosexual, but it also doesn't mean that you are gay. You describe many of the same terrified feelings that I had about being gay when I was growing up. I didn't have anyone to talk to and there was no Internet back then. In high school Health classes, they briefly talked about homosexuality and then focused on heterosexuality. They never even used the word bisexuality. So, I knew that I liked some girls and I knew that I like some boys. I thought that I had to "choose" one or the other. It wasn't until I went to college and had the resources of a real, academic library to safely explore that I understood my bisexuality. Back to your situation. You said that you sometimes (to paraphrase) still find women totally attractive and other times men. But more often men. Same here. Bisexuality does NOT mean that you are equally attracted to men and women. It just means that you are attracted to both men and women to some degree. Personally, I'm much more attracted to some men than most women. BUT, if the right woman came along, I'd totally be comfortable and happy with that scenario. Some Bi guys, on the other hand, have attractions that are completely the opposite. There's nothing wrong with any of that, it's all about understanding and accepting who you are. I also understand you obsession with observing gay couples. It truly warms my heart to see two guys kissing or just cuddling. That doesn't change my sexuality, however, and you should probably only take that as an indicator that you are open to that, not that that IS your sexuality. I know this is probably confusing, but, honestly, so is sexuality for those of us who are non-hetero. You are not faking or obsessed about your sexuality. You are just truly and honestly questioning. Our hetero friends and peers can't truly understand that and they probably never will. Try not to let their ignorance influence your journey to your ultimate understanding and acceptance of your sexuality. They aren't intentionally being mean, they just don't 'get it.' In all of this you have to understand that we grow up in a heteronormative society. And whether it is our society, our culture, our religion, or whatever that tell us the being other-than-heterosexual is 'wrong', we are who we are, we can't change that, and the 'teachings' are wrong, not us. You said that you felt really proud of yourself for experimenting with a guy in college. That says a lot. It doesn't say that you are gay or bi directly, but it certainly shows that you are open and not straight. You talked about seeing a therapist and closing down when talking openly with her about your sexuality. It truly seems that you are having a hard time accepting your homosexual reality (regardless of whether or not you are gay or bi, but all indications are that you are NOT straight). So what is your hangup? Is it what others expect or want from you? To be truly happy, you have to be who you are. F*ck everyone else. They can accept you or not, but you are who you are. Yes, to answer the question you asked, in the longrun you will definitely be happier if you can understand and accept your sexuality and even more so if you can live it openly. Further, I would only say that your mother sounds like a wonderful person that you could go to, if you have the guts (personally, my mom was the only person in the world that I felt that I could just discuss anything with). Your mom can't make the journey to understanding and accepting your sexuality for you, but she seems like she could be (and is willing to be) an excellent sounding board for you. Our parents usually have unconditional love for us and just want us to be safe, happy, well-adjusted people. Your mom definitely sounds like she falls within that category. Just some thoughts. I hope some of that helps.
Hello Quantumreality, I want to thank you for your response. It seemed to cover every point I made and it is really helpful! I find it both sad and funny how I agree with everything you said intellectually. I was like, "yeah", "mhmm", "that makes sense", and so on. I have such a separation from my mind and reality, as if I'm deceiving myself to not see the truth. That truth could be that I'm bi or gay, I don't know yet. What really struck me in your response is the open-ended questions you asked. Questions alone get me thinking. When I was 17 and had that first boy crush, I would fantasize about him sexually. Romantic was there too, probably because, I think, I got a little fluttery feeling in me. Sometimes he would playfully touch me and I would play it off as nothing (but of course that made me jittery excited inside). Then one time he had his shirt off in weight training class, as if he KNEW I would look. I did, and it was hard to turn away. I had to though because I knew all about teenagers and "not fitting in". The fact that he wanted to get to know me that school year made me more interested in him. Of course, I had to hold back my feelings, as I didn't know whether or not he was just being friendly or flirty. The mere fact that I can think back to that year and remember all the feelings I had makes me wish I did more, but it also makes me feel good, like what I felt was "right". That whole year I never once felt disgusted for liking a guy. Until I entered college and thought more and more about what it all meant. Still going on about your questions, I rarely, and I mean rarely, fantasize about women. It just feels so dull. That right there should say a lot about me, but of course, there's an acceptance problem. Without any pornography, it would probably be gay fantasizations that would get me off. Now that I think about it, I find myself sometimes wishing I had a boyfriend. Never a girlfriend, because something about that doesn't feel right. I sometimes wish to feel what I felt with my first guy crush, but obviously with another guy. It felt normal when I had it, and I have a horrible tendency to overthink things, so I feel like just feeling those feelings would just let me know "who I am".
Hey mrmarioluigi, So where do you want to go from here? Do you think you might be able to open up and and let your therapist help you explore your sexuality questions? Do you think that at least part of the source of your depression is due to your sexuality issue? Do you feel that you might want to seek out a guy to try dating? (I mean a real date, not a hookup.)
Hello Quantumreality, I had a conversation with my mother about everything I said here. She was so supportive. She really was sad to hear I didn't tell her earlier, but she told me I'm overthinking it all. She said if I find a guy I really like, nothing else will matter, just me and the guy. I definitely would know for sure if I'm bi if I get the "likes" for a guy. What I found so interesting is how GOOD I felt after telling my mom... well everything I could think of. Like a HUGE weight was lifted. Of course, I still have more weights haha! As for dating, I'm actually scared to. Dating a woman sounds a bit nerve wracking, and datining a guy is even more so. I wonder if there's a mod or someone to talk to about that? I'm not sure I want to talk to my therapist about dating issues haha! But I will most certainly try opening up a bit more to her about my sexuality.
Hey mrmarioluigi, Congratulations on Coming Out to your mother like that! It truly is a blessing to have such a wonderful and supportive parent like her! Yes, Coming Out to a loved one like that can be such a relief because we no longer have to hide part of ourselves whenever we are around them. Now you can just be who you are openly with her in terms of your sexuality. Dating is dating. It’s about romance and getting to know each other on a very personal level to determine whether or not the two of you are truly compatible in a long-term relationship. (Assuming you are not just looking for a hookup, which I don’t really consider dating at all.) Guys dating guys can be a little different from guys dating girls, of course. For one thing, in a guy-girl relationship, the pressure is usually on the guy to do the ‘heavy lifting’. In a guy-guy relationship, either guy can take the initiative, or it can switch between you, or the two of you may be comfortable enough to just generally plan dates together. If you’re dating a guy with common interests, it can be much easier to find reasons to be together, as well. Be aware, though, that if you are in a long-term relationship with another guy, it’s still a romantic relationship and you have to do romantic things beyond just hanging out as friends. Your best bet for getting advice on dating here on EC would be to post a thread in the Friends, Family, and Relationships forum and ask your questions/state your concerns/float your issues. If you feel embarrassed doing that, you could post double-anonymously (since you’re already anonymous on this website, just using your chosen username) in the Anonymous Support and Advice Forum. You can, of course, always send a Private Message to a member of the Staff or post in the Ask the Staff forum, but the Staff is usually quite busy and you are more likely to get a wider range of input from a post in one of the forums in the Support Area. If you’re interested, here are a couple of YouTube videos that discuss bisexuality and may give you some additional hints about your sexuality. Are You Bisexual - Quiz How to Tell if You're Bisexual - Is Bisexuality a Choice? Stay strong and proud!
Hello Quantamreality, I was embarrassed to post in the Friends, Family, and Relationships section. I posted in the Ask the Staff section. Should I just repost what I posted in the Ask the Staff section? If I gather the courage? I don't know if I should write something different. Anyway, I havn't looked at the links you posted, but I will get to them! Also, what I find good, and also somehow funny, is what happened at a store today. My mom went with me today to the allegerist's office for my allergy test, then we went to Bed, Bath, and Body for candles on sale. There was a guy who walks around helping people on the sales floor (I forgot the name of that job!!) and he seemed gay. At least to me. And my mom also. Anyway, while we were waiting on line, that same guy helped my mom to pay somewhere separate, since she was using credit. He was cracking jokes and making us laugh. I guess I laughed too much, because my mom thought that I liked him. He seemed nice, and was good looking, but just didn't seem my type. I need to evaluate more. Or not! I liked how I'm finally starting to talk to my mom about some guy that I find remotely interesting. Proves to me that my mom knows I'm serious about this questioning, but tells me she's here for me. I would love to feel more comfortable letting myself "feel" for a guy I find interesting. I want no shame or barriers.
Hey mrmarioluigi, I think you're likely to get the most visibility and responses if you post your questions/issues/concerns about dating in the Friends, Family, and Relationships forum, but if you still feel too embarrassed about doing that and really want to see what input you can get from fellow EC members, you can still post in the Anonymous Support and Advice forum. Since I don't know what you posted in the Ask the Staff section, I can't say whether or not your post is tailored to provide enough basic background and asking specific questions about your concerns or issues to generate good feedback. Sorry, that's pretty much your call. That's a good story. Interesting that your mom thought that you basically liked the sales assistant. Maybe you just felt comfortable because you thought that you were just able to relax and be yourself a bit in the presence of (presumably) another another LGBTQ person? It really does sound you like are becoming more comfortable with who you are, especially with respect to your sexuality. That's great!
Hi Mrmarioluigi, I totally relate to a lot of your feelings here--the "shutting down" thing definitely happened to me once i had any awareness of maybe being gay. It prevented me from having any crushes at all from maybe age 12 to 22; my sisters thought I was asexual. Your mind can do the craziest things to get away from things that feel way too scary to process. Also related to how difficult it was to think about this stuff, regardless of family being supportive. After first realizing I had a serious gay crush on my friend at age 22, I started thinking "what if I'm gay" for the first time. It was terrifying, I wanted on such a deep level to be normal and straight and "good" according to everything I'd ever been told growing up. My sisters were supportive and encouraging during the process, but I've found the acceptance process is VERY personal and internal, and may be really awful and hard and isolating regardless of that kind of outside support. Also loved reading your comment about your guy crush feeling really good and right WHILE it was happening--I felt exactly the same way about my first girl crush. I always had this feeling that my love for her was a very good thing that made me happy in a way I'd never been before, and though it was scary, it couldn't possibly be bad. Try to remember that feeling! I'm three years along in my acceptance journey, and though that relationship never really happened, all this scary processing feels worth it to have the possibility of having that real, true-to-myself love with another person.
Hi bizleth, It is amazing how my sister thought the same exact thing a few years ago! She thought I was asexual too because I never told anyone who I liked! Or that no one interested me, so I guess that would make me seem asexual to her? I think it's because of what you said: we shut down. When I was writing my original post about my first guy crush, I'll admit that my brain opened up again, and I was able to feel all those good feelings I felt back then. I had a smile across my face. Then my brain shut down again. I never consciuously try and remember that crush every day, but I do when I'm on this forum. Then I get all smiley again and hope for another one like that.
I get that same sort of feeling from time to time as well. My first same sex crush was when I was 16. He was straight, but looking back I guess I really should be proud of myself that i had courage enough to confess those feelings. I still ended up scurrying back to the closet for 20 years tho. But now, I feel rejuvenated over the thought of (one day) introducing someone to my boyfriend/husband. It is strange how I can see now that the thought of being with a guy sounds so much more appealing than another relationship with a woman.
Hello angeluscrzy, I agree with you. When I am in my "periods" of acceptance, and by that I mean I feel okay being bi, I tend to feel that a relationship with a guy sounds more appealing than one with a woman. A relationship with a woman isn't necessarily off the table though! Of course, I'm still figuring things out, hence the confusion, shame... and the indefinite label!
Q That's understandable. I know how confusing it can be trying to find clarity. For myself, I know I *could* be functional sexually with a woman, but as I allow myself to think more about guys, the more I see that being with a woman is not something I truly want. It has always felt like something was not quite right. After seeing the question posed of if one would feel regret on their deathbed for not following thru with their same sex attractions, well......that became my catalyst I suppose for finally just accepting that I lean much more towards gay than straight.
