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Uncertain (probably a lot later in life than I should be!)

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Kharina, Apr 9, 2017.

  1. Kharina

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    Hi everyone,

    I'm a 26 year-old woman (no uncertainty with my gender identity, thankfully as I don't think I could cope with questioning both!). I've never been in any relationship and never even kissed anyone, of any gender. I was pretty OK with that situation until a couple of years ago, happily focusing on study, friendships etc. but I've recently begun to worry about it a bit more and try to change things. I've tried an online dating site and been out with a few people but nothing has progressed beyond meeting and talking. About all these dates my main emotions have been anxiety and awkwardness and I haven't felt attracted to any of the men I've met (at the moment I've put straight on my profile so they've all been men). My issue is that I don't feel attraction often (if at all- I've certainly never felt the intensity that's described by a lot of people, so I'm not sure if what I have felt even qualifies). When I have it sometimes is to women though on the odd occasion for men, though again I'm not really sure what I'm feeling.

    So basically I'm not sure whether I'm straight but just don't have a very strong 'drive', lesbian, bisexual, asexual or something else I don't even know exists...

    I'd appreciate hearing about anyone else's experiences. I'd particularly like to know if there's anyone out there who's my age or older and still confused, as I keep feeling I 'ought' to have this figured out by now!! Even though I know it's not a helpful thought and I wouldn't say it to anyone else....

    Thanks for 'listening' (reading!)- even just typing this out has been reassuring, but if anyone has any advice or experiences to share that might help (even if you're certain you're straight but it took a while for you to find someone you're attracted to or something like that) I'd love to hear them.
     
  2. Mysteria

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    Sexual Orientation:
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    I'm 36 and I'm finally allowing myself to question for the first time. So it's not just you.
     
  3. AlexJames

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    I can empathize with this. For the longest time i thought i was just being the dutiful daughter, the good christian, by focusing on school and friends over boys. I'm not christian myself but i grew up in Texas in a very conservative area around predominantly christian or conservative (or both) people. I was isolated as a child and my mom made sure i was never around anyone she didn't already know and approve of, so even as a teenager i was only exposed in passing to the LGBT community.

    Being raised like this, especially with my mom and brother's open hatred of and disgust with the LGBT community...for me being gay wasn't an option. Like both in society and in my head. Like...when i started noticing myself checking out girls in PE in like 6th or 7th grade, 11-12 ish, it never occurred to me that i might like girls - i simply thought i was being very rude and inappropriate and assumed i was just 'comparing sizes' is how i explained it away.

    I noticed around that same time 2 things - i did not find shirtless guys appealing like other girls, and that my guy crushes were all of a very specific type - somewhat feminine, pretty guys. But even though i would look at a guy and be like he's cute and obsess a bit, the idea of anything more was repulsive. Seeing a guy shirtless was like 'oh okay' - it didn't do anything for me and i didn't understand the appeal at all. But instead of connect the dots, because it was never an option in my family and among family friends, i simply assumed that i was just being a good daughter, that i was just prioritizing school over boys, and that i was just very modest and not very sexual which in the christian conservative circle i was raised in was touted as a good thing. This is how i explained away the fact that i never dated anyone in school.

    It wasn't until i was like 22 or 23 that i began to question my sexuality. It was all over one person too - a new girl at work. I couldn't figure out if she was a guy or a girl for the longest time though, and this puzzled me. I think looking back she was probably genderfluid or trans maybe? Idk. She wasn't employed with us for long at all and her name was one of those boy or girl names, so that didn't help cause she looked very young and her voice wasn't helping either. But when i finally realized she was a girl, i was completely thrown for a loop. Then i began to connect the dots. Checking out girls in PE in middle school. Routinely thinking what i thought was inappropriate thoughts - wondering what a girl would look like shirtless, wondering what it would be like to touch a particular person shirtless or half naked, etc. Stuff like that, that i had just explained away or mislabelled my whole life, i was suddenly re-evaluating, and thats how i came to the conclusion by thinking a lot about it and posting on here...that i'm gay. I like girls.
     
  4. Lexa

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    I've been in a "bisexual phase" for 17 years until a few months ago. I am now 34. I had the first confusing feelings when I was about 11. You are definitely not alone. For me it was the not totally accepting part. I knew I was bisexual but just kept thinking it was a phase... I recognize the crushes for somewhat feminine, pretty guys from LunarLyric and the possibility to find people attractive even if you don't even know which gender they are. For me guys without shirts can be very, very sexy though as long as they are not too masculine (turn off!).
     
  5. CubbieBlue

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    Hi! You're still young and have plenty of time to question whether you like men, women or neither. Sexuality is such a wide spectrum and we don't talk about it. I don't know if you have or not, but may I suggest taking a look over at the Later in Life section. You will notice that a lot of us do not realize we are or may be LGBTQ until later in life. Good luck in your quest!
     
  6. Kharina

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    Thanks everyone for the responses, they've definitely helped me feel less alone. LunarLyric, it must have been tough to realise you liked girls in that kind of community and must have taken a lot of courage even to admit it to yourself. I'm very lucky in that my family really wouldn't care and I don't know many strongly religious people (those that I am friends with are also very tolerant and accepting people and would probably be fine too).

    I guess I will just see what happens in life and who I meet :slight_smile: It's great to have a community like this though where people can talk about their own experiences without feeling pressure to fit into a particular 'label' right away, or it being assumed that they're 100% heterosexual. Thanks again for taking the time to read and share your experiences/ideas.