Hello all Through high school there were a few boys I had minor crushes on, one guy in college and the odd male celebrity crush. (I just love Nathan Sykes haha.) However, I was very lonely and unhappy, and just craved companionship. I developed OCD about age 13/14, and only ended up seeing a therapist by age 18, where I "passed tests" for anxiety and depression. Now 19, I still struggle with OCD but thankfully (mostly) to a lesser extent- I'm in my first year at uni, and had my first kiss in the uni club. Prior to that I was completely inexperienced. I've since kissed/made out with/ snogged 3 or 4 guys, and I know it isn't a lot of people to go off, but I've not felt any emotion whilst kissing them, beyond boredom and disgust (partly down to my OCD- I struggle predominantly with germs and mouth to mouth contact doesn't help there.) I've started to realize, I often just walk into a room, assess physical attraction levels of guys and see who I "could" kiss etc if they offered. This realisation came about because it's exactly what I do in the club. I don't fancy these guys, they're just aethetically pleasing drunk guys looking for an equally drunk girl for sex, and they're willing to snog me for a while. (Once I was sober, and that probably went on for 15+ minutes whilst I waited for something to "kick in", but it never did and I was just bored. He was also a better kisser than anyone else I've been with.) Meanwhile, whilst I've noticed girls are pretty, I've never explicitly fancied a girl. But I've made a friend at uni who is female, and I've just never gotten on with anyone as well as I do with her. We're on the same course, in the same societies, same humour etc in a way that's been different with all my other friends. (She openly identifies as demisexual btw, but has never explicitly stated to me who she fancies when she gets to know someone. There's been a "she loves vagina" comment but that was by someone drunk haha so I've no idea how serious they were being there.) I've never imagined dating any of my other female friends,and when I've imagined dating guys it's always been angsty and I've put the imaginary relationship through some nightmares tbh, haha. But she's the first person I can imagine a happy future with. I'm beginning to wonder if through my early teen years, I was just presuming I'd end up in a relationship with a guy because that's what people tend to do where I'm from. There was one gay couple in our quite large high school, and one of them was the "edgy" kid so I wasn't sure how serious it was at first, to be totally truthful. Does anyone have any advice for questioning/ confused people? Anything would help at this point. I'm beginning to feel like my actual teens were just completely taken over by my OCD, I wasn't out partying or meeting new people or experimenting. And now I've got the chance to experiment, I don't know what I want. It's getting to the point where I'll just get drunk and intentionally lose my friends in a club to try and pull and find someone I like so I can basically experiment with no strings attached, but I'm afraid of the emotional impact of losing my virginity or whatever, and also I'm aware that that's a pretty dangerous thing to be doing haha. The VAST majority of people being this promiscuous in the club I'm assuming are all used to sex by now I guess, and similarly all my flatmates not in a committed relationship have slept with 7+ people, so I feel like I'm just getting further and further behind. I do have virgin friends and lgbt+ friends, and both lgbt+ virgin friends haha, but they seem to have it all sussed out regardless. I don't really know how to approach anyone with my confusion, and if I do "end up" (for want of a better phrase) being straight, I don't want to make my lgbt+ friends feel like I've messed them around or anything. I'm sorry this is so long! Anyone with similar stories, advice etc on any part of this thread would be much appreciated <3
My first idea is stop going to a bar to experiment. You lose your better judgement and may end up in a dangerous situation. Also, just because you have no feelings for guys, doesn't necessarily make you a lesbian. You could simply be asexual. And having a friend you really connect to may be a new experience for you, and somewhat overwhelming emotionally. I guess what I am saying is stop worrying about experimenting, and just see where things naturally lead. And from one germaphobe to another. :smilewave Hope some of this helps. Sebby45
Hi Sebby45, yes your comment really helped thank you! I have stopped going out with my flatmates as much these past few months (I didn't always get on with them and I'd end up slipping away at the bar). Since I posted the original post, I've only gone out with friends who always make me laugh and we look after each other in the club, and I've not wanted to leave. I choose carefully who I go out with because you're right, if I get upset and end up on my own again it'll be me most at risk. Self care is important!:eusa_clap That's totally true. I briefly looked into asexuality but all the different types sometimes left me confused. Though thinking about how I act, I've read about romantic relationships being separate from sexual relationships, and to a degree I can see myself there. I like the thought of being with someone but am yet to find someone I *actually* enjoy being with. So seeing where things naturally lead is excellent advice I should learn to follow And back at the germaphobe, :smilewave hello! We are thew misunderstood bunch, quite often! Thank you so much for your help, it was very much appreciated HufflepuffHugs
