Hello, I'm a 23 year old girl and I'm really confused about my sexuality. I have had two relationships with men that have lasted over a year, I had sex with them and basically I just want it to stop when it's happening and I just zone out until it's over and have a hard time letting sex happen for more than 10 minutes. I don't mind oral sex though, at all really, except I wouldn't let them do it on me. When I was 13, I started watching porn and it would always be lesbian porn. Now I'll watch some straight porn but I only ever focus on the women. Sometimes though I watch gay porn and I really like it, or just men masturbating I like. When I think about men going down on me it makes me feel grossed out, and I can never watch it in porn and I don't like thinking about it. I find men attractive and can even fantasize about them and get turned on, but I don't like doing anything sexual with them. I started noticing that I liked girls when I was 14, I had never been interested in boys before then, but I dated two boys while I was 14 never doing anything more than kissing. I have never done anything with a girl before, but I think about it a lot, almost daily. I love women the way the smell and talk and everything. I fantasize a lot about women, and do often picture myself marrying a woman. On my 15th birthday I had 3 friends stay the night and I had a huge crush on one and I really wanted to kiss her, but I was too shy. That night we shared a bed, and we spooned with each other, and she kept kissing my shoulder and I couldn't sleep. When I was 18 or 19, I was at a different friends birthday and she and this other girl kept making out with me and I absolutely hated it and felt so uncomfortable, and a couple weeks ago a friend of mine who is gay asked me on a date but I told her no because I didn't want anything like that in my life right now, which is true, but I am just completely not attracted to her, I think we make good friends but I hate that she tries to dominate me, like opens and closes doors for me tries to buy my food, I am feminine but I am very independent and I hate it when people do stuff like that to me. So I just am not sure, because when those other girls kissed me, wouldn't I like it somewhat and not hate it? I have never had much of a relationship with my mother, and she sent me to live with my Dad when I was 12, and I haven't seen or talked to her much since then, so I'm wondering if maybe I'm just wanting women in my life because I want to fill the void left by having no motherly connection. I noticed yesterday that the women I'm attracted to look somewhat like her, always around her height with long dark hair, dark eyes, and a nose similar to hers (or they look a lot like me). I just feel weird and perverted I guess. I don't have a crush on my mom though that's not what I mean, I actually kind of hate her. I'm really attracted to latina ladies, and my mom is white so I don't feel as weird lol. Sometimes I feel like who gives a fuck why I am gay, it doesn't matter. But other times I am so uncomfortable with the fact that I might not be straight that I isolate myself a lot. No one in my family is gay, everyone is married and are hetero, literally everyone I can think of is straight. I told my siblings when I was younger that I was bisexual and they all seemed weirded out by it, so I haven't told them my feelings. I actually haven't come out to anyone except the last man that I dated and he seemed supportive until he realized that I wouldn't fuck him anymore so now he won't talk to me. I'm sorry this is so long, I really have no one to talk to. Most of the people in my family are conservative, and not too lgbt friendly, and there are a lot of hardcore catholic people in my family, so that makes it harder. I just don't know what to do. I want to try to go out and meet women and experiment but I am overweight, and look and feel awful so I don't see why anyone would be interested in me.
