I'm 46. Maybe I should have figured this out a long time ago. As far back as I can can recall sex with girls has always been awkward and forced. Even in my teens and 20's I often had difficulty keeping an erection. I had a number of relationships before I got married. All sexually awkward and peppered with excuses why I wasn't up for it. My marriage was sporadic awkward sex that just petered out. The last year and a half was sexless. My choice. She wanted me, and I just had zero inclination. Meanwhile I was self-pleasuring multiple times a day. My last girlfriend was HOT and a decade younger than me. Our sex life was a disaster out of the gate. Even with assistance from Cialis an Viagra. I should have wanted her badly. She was my perfect body type and very sexual. More often than not it didn't work. And when it did, it was largely from behind flirting with the fantasy of her being some twinky guy. Even with this most recent girl I've been casually seeing, I figured someone new would trigger something. We've tried three times and only once had some degree of success. Again... More excuses to cover my inadequacy. It's just so frustrating. I'm a very sexual person with a high drive. Left to my own devices I'll self-satisfy two, three, or four times a day. I guess it's just largely through shame and wanting to be normal that i haven't wanted to consider or try sex with another guy. But the clues have always been there. In my very early teens I had a very hot experience with a friend. It could have been a thing, but I felt ashamed and pushed him away. However it was an extremely hot memory for years. Some of the first porn I sought out was gay porn. Again, ashamed. I didn't pursue it much further. Since my early teens, I've had a fantasy/fixation on anal penetration. And now (exploring with toys) I find I'm having some of the best self pleasure ever doing just that. That said, I'm left confused. I don't like most gay porn. I mostly fantasized about and watched lesbian porn. Many of my fantasies about my partner at the time with another woman without me involved. I find men's shapes non-attractive. I don't find athletic men attractive at all. When I'm out I never notice men the way I notice women. I like the way women feel, smell, and taste. But I do find men's "bits" attractive and some of my most recent and powerful fantasies involve being penetrated by a man. I've had gay fantasies when I let my guard down for as long as I can remember, but I'm always really ashamed after I indulge in the fantasy. So I just don't know. And feeling really lost and hurt after a very recent breakup adds to the confusion. That said, I've had these thoughts all my life and always been too afraid to explore them further. I guess that's the only way to know for sure. The point of this was simply to vent, get feedback, and see if anyone else has gone through similar.
