First, I am 54 years old. I am married, have kids, grandkids, a house, dogs, and a fitbit. pretty normal. I am still very fit and I think attractive so I think of myself as still a viable commodity as it comes to romantic endeavors (I mean, besides the fact that I have a well established family). I am also chronically unhappy (depressed) with who I am. I never knew why. I have everything a man could want. But, recently, I may have found what has been missing for so long. Ok, I like girls. That is not going away. They are incomparable to men. I love them. I like guys too. I thought mostly sexual but being away from home for work, lately I have been playing with a girl online. It started as guy girl thing and then I bravely showed her a pair of panties I bought, That quickly turned in to me wearing a matching pink pantie baby doll lingerie set and now a nice white party dress and heels. Not only that, but she has pushed me to go on cam in chat rooms trying to find a boyfriend. She watches (and helps) while I try my best to seduce guys to be my boyfriend (online at the moment). But... OMG, IT IS AMAZING. I love the talk and LOVE being sweet talked and called pretty and beautiful, sexy, and how I turn the guys on. NEVER expected that. The dialog flows out of me sooo naturally and I feel passionate and excited like I haven't in a very long time. So much so that I am thinking, OMG, this is who I am. THIS is what I have always been. It has been locked inside for sooo very long. It is VERY exciting and also VERY frightening. I keep thinking of Kaitlyn Jenner and thinking "How could he do such a thing?" Why can't he just be happy wearing panties occasionally and maybe having a bi threesome with his wife. Now, like a lightbulb, I understand. For me to do that though? I am far from committing out of fear but I think wouldn't that be amazing. I am scared to death at the strength of my desire now though. Will it overwhelm me in the coming years? Will I just get caught and exposed? My dream would be to have everything... my manhood when I want it, my family intact, my womanhood when I want it, a boyfriend, AND keep my wife. When I am doing stuff with that girl online, I am always fantasizing how it would be amazing if my wife would help me like that. Help me dress, help me date, help me shop. Shopping? A whole nother level of amazing. I never paid attention to all the sexy clothes out there but even when I see a girl online in sexy clothes, I think about how awesome it would be to wear that. Geeze, what does that say about me? Just not to be totally selfish, I have always tried to pull my wife's fantasies out of her and fulfill them. We have had threesomes and I have watched her. (Ok, I guess that is my fetish too, lol) but I do like to give her everything she wants and if she tells me she wants to be with a guy (or girl) or even have a boyfriend or girlfriend, I would so let her do that. She is my life partner but she just (as I didn't myself) know this part of me. Ok, this is where someone gives me the answer...lol. I don't think there is one but I would like to talk about it or at least hear from guys/girls in similar situations.
