Neither Here Nor There

At fourteen, the only thing that calmed me enough to sleep, when I spent summers at my Grandma's, was fantasizing about two men having anal sex with each other. A friend had seen it done once in anime comics, and her and her Dad and I once had a conversation about it on the way to dinner in his van. He asked what about it was so appealing to a teenage girl. Turns out, she wasn't the only one it appealed to Then, in high school, my best girlfriend and I told each other we both liked girls in the storage room of the gymnasium. Then, later in the computer lab, I told her I thought I was gay. I went out with two guys to "test" my sexual orientation and got pregnant the second time I had sex with the second man.

Motherhood took up so much of my time. Not to mention, at the time, all the girls that approached me on dating sites were more of the butch variety or immature in some way, and all the girls I liked were snobs. So I didn't end up getting a chance to also "test" my orientation with a woman until I was twenty six. I knew it was something I had to experience, though, as I never had an orgasm with the men and thought that was a dead give away I was a lesbian.

I really, really enjoyed my first lesbian encounter. Much more than with a man, as I was ten times more aroused for starters... Again, though, I could not have an orgasm! I'd been told all kinds of things on this subject. Maybe, I hadn't met the right person. But that's the thing... All the men and women(four men and four women) and I had explosive chemistry. Mind you, they were mostly one night stands, so another thing I was being told was, maybe I wasn't comfortable enough with them. So, then, I found my third man and stayed with him a year, and felt comfortable, but still couldn't fully let go. The closest I got was, while laying on my stomach on his bed while giving him a blow job. I felt twinges but it wasn't a strong one. Then, I got told I was trying too hard. But I wasn't. It was physically uncomfortable for me to not have them be able to get me off, because I was right on the cusp of orgasm every single time. I even slept with one of the women's knees tucked into my backside all night after vigorously humping her thigh, 'cause I was needing a release so bad and still nothing! The only time I've ever had a real orgasm with someone else is, when they massaged my bum while I was masturbated.

Now, cut to today. After being victimized by people that I trusted would help me in my life, I can no longer find a job where I live due to being out of work for such a long stretch of time. As well as, I can no longer start a family here. So the only next logical step to take would be to move. But the only way to legally move would be, a) Go back to school, or b) Find a man. I feel like my biological clock is ticking off the charts, so naturally I don't want to waste anymore years on trying to establish a career for myself right now. And, in the beginning, the thought of having to fake who I was was quite daunting and disappointing, as well. I never wanted to have a man involved in the raising of my children, even my first. But, strangely enough, I also never really saw myself raising children in a lesbian relationship. I did want to be still be able to have sex with women on the side, however.

But I haven't had sex with men in five years and I don't miss it even a little bit. I recently found a man that is willing to financially support me and wants children. But, every time he starts talking about sex, I get angry. It seems really demeaning when a man talks to me about sex. Like I'm just there to serve him or something. Yet, on the other hand, the thought of penetrating him with a strap on is so exciting. Or the thought of us masturbating to porn together. That's exciting, too. The thought of him fingering me. Yep. And I like him. Like we make each other laugh, we're comfortable on Skype, we get concerned about each other if we don't hear from each other for awhile. We can talk about anything and nothing at the same time. We have shared goals.

I'm also not the kind of woman that wears dresses. The closest I get are bathing suit covers and leggings on special occasions, lol! I only wear make up on special occasions, as well. I like to put it on, though, sometimes. I hate wearing jewelry. I love using men's shampoo and face wash and razors, t-shirts from the men's section of a clothing store... I can wear my hair short or long. Doesn't matter to me. My son once even asked why I didn't dress like a dude! At only four!

So, anyway, finally with this new relationship, I'm frantically searching around online to see what could possibly be causing me to prefer masturbation to sexual encounters with others. And I ran across the term autosexual. Some say it's being sexually attracted to yourself. Others say it's a preference to masturbation. If it's the latter, it suits me to a t! So does biromantic. When I decided I was gay, I reunited a bit with my son's father, and again, I really cared for him but the thought of having sex with him again was not something I necessarily wanted. I brought him gifts on Valentine's, though, and gave him a hug. I thought, in a different world, maybe, the two of us could split the rent and raise our son together, while seeing other people. THEN! I ran across bigender, which also suits me very well, because of wanting to use a strap on on a guy, but wanting to only be fingered in return. But that's like a bigender person, who's a bisexual guy and lesbian woman combined. Does that exist? And can you be a biromantic bigender autosexual? Sorry you had to read through an entire novel to get to this part, but I thought I'd give you the entire back story, before asking what I originally wrote this post to ask

 

Thanks for the response. It's not only because I want to use a strap on on a guy or because I don't wear dresses. It's because that's all I would want to do with a man. A lesbian wouldn't want to penetrate a guy, would they? Plus, I fantasize a lot about two guys, and sometimes even imagine myself as one to get off. And, as far as fingering better directly stimulating the clit/g-spot than typical straight sex, I've even had men and women alike finger me to try and get me off, when sex didn't work(plus, lesbian sex is mostly fingering), and even that didn't help and it wasn't because they were bad at it. But, then, by myself, I can.

I don't think I necessarily can't identify the way I want. It just seems that there are others out there who identify as biromantic autosexuals. And there are others out there that identify as bigender autosexuals. But are biromantic and bigender in the same category? That's what I'm asking. Does it only either make sense to be a biromantic autosexual, or a bigender autosexual? They seem to fit together like nouns and verbs in a way. That you couldn't even be a bigender biromantic autosexual. I guess, my question is, are there bigender people that are biromantic, as well? Like their genders are both gay or bisexual, neither one straight. And would it make sense for someone to be both biromantic and autosexual? If they're autosexual, they prefer to pleasure themselves, so then they can't technically be romantically attracted to both sexes, then, right? I don't know. I feel like I can, until they're trying to help me reach orgasm, lol!

 

Oh, so you're saying I could be a straight FTM trans, getting off on the idea of being pegged, rather than bisexual and bigender? Maybe, but I only ever fantasize about guys when I fantasize about being male. And, with girls, it's strictly lesbian sex in the fantasy.

It's not that I'm worried about my boyfriend being repulsed by mutual masturbation. It's just he either seems into to the idea but only as foreplay, or if he says he'd be okay with just masturbating, he's only telling me what I want to hear kind of thing.

Fancy labels don't really matter to me, other than making me feel like I'm not alone in my feelings. That there's other people out there like me. As well as, when I want someone to know what I'm like ahead of time, they can look up the label to get a better idea of what they're facing in the future.