First experience that left me with feelings and lost

I have been bisexual as long as I can remember but only recently within the last 5 years have I felt like I was more attracted to men than women and accepting it. I have only been with 2 guys before I was 30 and recently one in the last month
This was a game changer for me I fell hard for sure. We had been work friends and have hung out a couple times in groups and we live about 4 hrs from each other. He works full time at a plant and I travel to different plants. I have thought he was hot since the first time I met him. Well we were at a plant working long hours and we both ended up with a night off. So we went to a casino and bar after then back to his temp rental house where we had a few drinks n after talking about grooming and shooting our loads and size.
He made comments like I'll be seeing very soon I replied yes you will
Then he said ready to go to bed I then followed him to his room we stripped to our underwear climbed in bed and he spooned me with his arm over me then a few min went by and he said so gonna let me feel them big balls. I took his hand under my underwear and that was it we played around then went to get a hotel room and we had passionate sex I'm mean made love made out licked up n down all over and he even topped me for a few minutes. It was Amazon. We made love for 4 hrs that night and then 3 hrs the next morning it was the best ever. We talked too he asked if I would date I guy I asked him we both said yes he said he was with 3 guys 1 in high school 2 in college and I was with 2 1 in college and 1 about 5 years ago and just bjs n jos
The next morning when we got off work he texted me and said that was the best connection he had ever experienced with anyone. I agreed
Well at work the next night we acted the same no awkward moments nothing but over the next few days when he wasn't in the break room while I was in there it's like I would get separation anxiety. We got together twice more the last time I massaged him and then rimmed him and he has a hairy ass but the perfect body. I loved it he had said he isn't ready to bottom yet and I assured him no worries whenever he was ready. I blew him till he cam in my mouth I swallowed and then we just cuddled I guess you could say.
Well I went to the next job and he spent his weekend with his gf which I knew about well after that weekend the texts slowed no more sexy texts I was initiating the conversation and the responses eventually I texted him last Tuesday and asked if he was having second thoughts about what we were doing he said he was and felt bad for her. I was crushed because I thought we had such a strong connection. I called my mom talked for a few min about nothing random she hadn't known about me to my knowledge I then called her back an hour later and proceeded to tell her everything minus the sex details. I lost it was in tears. I was so hurt. Then Friday I asked him if things were going anywhere with us or did he want to stay friends. He said just friends and that he didn't feel good about what he had done to her. I asked if it was if he just wanted women and didn't prefer men anymore. He didn't answer then I ask if it didn't work out with her no response. I asked if we could still be friends and hang out he replied to that saying yea man we can do that.

I am just so lost and don't know what to do or how to handle my feelings. I am not sure what I would call it love or what but I miss him now even just texting. What should I do better yet can we be friends? How do I handle how I feel. Everything I have explained what should I do and how to handle this situation and how do I get over him will he come back to me should I just remain friends or what. I am so damn depressed and have anxiety please help

 

Hey, sorry you're going through this right now.

The best thing you can do for yourself right now is take some space from him. You have feelings for him and while you may want to stay friends, right now I think seeing him all the time or talking would cause you continued anxiety and sadness. You need to quit him, so to speak. When you're over your romantic feelings, maybe then you guys could be friends again if you even want to be at that point. But for now, I really think space would help you a lot. It will hurt at first, but it is better than feeling better in little bits when you see him and then having the hurt return in a cycle that lasts for a long time.

 

It has been about 10 days since he told me he was having second thoughts about our relationship whatever it was we had. Now it has been almost a week since I asked if it was going anywhere and he said he just wanted to be friends. I was crushed hurt depressed anxiety and that's something I never wanted to feel. My last relationship was 4 years before this happened and I closed off any idea of a relationship until this guy and at first I wasn't even thinking relationship just fwb until he made me feel wanted and special he made me feel everything I could have wanted. I am starting to get spouts of anger n thinking how could he do this too me. How was he able to get me to open up and develop feelings and then just drop me like a bad habit. It still hurts but I'm not sad like I was I suppose I am getting over it or accepting idk I'm still confused I suppose. I was so willing to explore a relationship with him because I thought we were on the same page with everything especially coming out which would have been down the road I liked him because he acts like a normal straight guy and knew he wouldn't pressure me into coming out till we were both ready and probably only to family and maybe a couple close friends.

I am trying to not text or message him trying to just see if I can get better and close the door to any kind of relationship ever again. I can't put myself through that I don't like being hurt or depressed and especially when it doesn't seem like he is having any feelings about it I see Facebook pics him and his gf put on and they both look happy as can be and he doesn't msg me I have been initiating the conversations and he only texts a little bit back so I'm trying to not contact him but limited contact like before when we were just friends.
It makes me angry thinking he is just living his life and I went through hell for over a week

Overall I guess I'm getting better and accepting it even though if he called me n said he wanted me now I would be there.

I guess some people are meant to live a single life. I know I couldn't deal with this anymore than I have. I thought my ex gf fucked me up and she did but I finally opened up after 5 years and it's like I got kicked in the gut fuck this who needs hurt and disappointment

 

step 1) unfollow on facebook. I've been in your situation, break ups are the absolute worst and it feels like you'll never get over them. The last thing you need is to be reminded of him every time you open your social media. More importantly, social media never looks like real life, so all you're seeing are his happiest moments and missing all the ones he might be feeling bad about your situation. You can never tell what a person is feeling from their instagram posts, so don't torture yourself with it.

step 2) stay away from the texting. You're right to try and not message him. The longer you stay away the more of yourself you get back from this relationship, the more you make things yours again rather than things you shared with him. And to be honest, a little denial never hurt anybody in a break up, it's easier to fake it till you make it when his name doesn't flash up in your messages.

step 3) stay angry. I found the best way I got over my first love was to realise all the things he made me angry and all the ways he was actually wrong for me. Eventually I let it all go and now I'm chill with the whole situation, but it was definitely the initial anger which gave me the distance I needed to see that I was actually better off.

step 4) don't give up hope!!! absolutely no way is this the last person out there for you, or the last connection you're going to have! It always feels like that at the end of a relationship, and after more than one break up it's easy to shut yourself off and decide that you don't want the pain, but I find that life's always a bitch in the way that she throws that person right back into your path, a new person who makes you reconsider the whole issue of loving again, and you're right back in the water. It's a cycle, and it's low-key the best part, but you've just got to get through this now. All of this is temporary and you're already doing great, just keep going!

 

I think good advice for all of us, no matter what our sexuality...is to proceed with extreme caution if we get involved with someone who is already in a relationship with someone else. (This has been learned the hard way by me!). The best thing is to just NOT do it. But if we know they are in a relationship and still choose to get involved, at the very least, make sure expectations are clear to both parties. So much heartbreak comes from expectations not met in these situations! ('But he said this, he said that, we connected so well, I thought we were on the same page, why would he do this...') Believe me, I get it, for sure I have been there, done that!

You may have been seeing the relationship as something that could really go somewhere. We don't know what he was thinking at that time, or now. But there is a chance, even if he has strong feelings for you, and despite his words, that he always saw this as just a hook-up, a one time thing. Maybe he always thought you would just do this and then go back to being friends. He may have thought you were both on the same page with this and it never occurred to him that you might want more.

Always watch someones actions, not their words. That will tell you everything. And his actions (continues with relationship with his girlfriend, no more sexy texts, not responding to texts) show where he is at.

I feel for you, this can be so hard. But as far as where to go from here..lblubber has given you some spot on advice! Truly, these are the best tactics! Especially, her last point--this is very raw right now BUT in no way will he be the last person you love or connect with! As with every relationship we have, consider what you have learned through the experience, grieve for a bit--then open yourself to the possibility of new love!

 

Step 4 is the one step I am having a hard time with and seem to always have a hard time with. When it comes to finding love or championship I seem to strike out very badly even if I'm not looking it has come along twice now and just fucked me up worse and worse. As far as getting involved with someone that had a gf well that was not intended. I knew he had told me he wasn't completely happy with her and was going to just stay single when that ended. As far as us sleeping together well him being with someone else wasn't in my mind I was kinda blind sided when he made his move well maybe not blind sided but wasn't really expecting it then after the next few weeks I thought we were heading down the same road and he was going to end it with her. We never talked about her I guess from everything he had said and made me feel he was going to break it off with her I guess I was naive for thinking that.
I suppose I am still holding out a little bit of hope that he is going to call or text and say him and his gf broke up and he wants to see me. I know I have to stop that thought and admit to myself that he is not going to call with that news. There was very little that I didn't like about him great body hairy legs but groomed pkg very well hairy ass but that didn't bother me he tasted so good he was small down there but was enough for me. His personality is what drew me into him such a great personality he had always been fun and he could listen too
I will never forget what we had I just hope I can move past it. I really enjoyed what we had and it felt right and good. I hope I can find that again when I am ready which I don't know if I will ever be ready it might be what happend with him someone comes into my life unexpected and sweeps me off my feet.

 

Well I didn't listen to all the advice on not contacting him I'm sure most people don't. I texted him and asked what he was up to on his days off and he replied with what he was doing but nothing extra. I read into everything and he never asked what I was doing on my days off. I know he has a lot of friends on Facebook though unless he unfollowed me he should have known I was off this weekend maybe he didn't see my Facebook status but it just feels like he doesn't care. Maybe he is having a hard time trying to move past what we had idk and no one else knows. This is me still trying to hold on and hold out hope. If I keep contacting him he won't forget me or what we had and maybe he will realize he likes what we had and comes back to me.
I know I need to move on and try n get myself better before we can be friends if at all I have always liked him as a friend he just has an awesome personality and is fun to hang out with. What I could use and might help me move on is meet someone who treats me the same as he did in the beginning but I'm not ready for the potential heartbreak and I know I can't live that way but this is making me not want anything I am eating again and was finally aroused for the first time since this all went down. I guess I was hopping ny feelings weren't really that strong but more of a lust then anything. I guess not.

 

In the long run, this is the only thing that will help you move on.

This is the part that you have to do yourself. Nobody is really ready for heartbreak... but they have to risk it.

 

I just feel so hopeless and lost feel as if I no longer understand life itself I don't know why I can't just find real happiness. Now I am just so beat down and don't feel like even trying anymore. I thought I had gone through so much loss and heartache for a lifetime but yet it keeps coming just when I feel like things are looking up a curve ball is thrown
I am just so damn lost and I don't see any hope in sight. Life just sucks and I don't understand it. I know I'm not the only one to go through this but what I have dealt with is like none else. The worst part is I had always been a good listener non biast and could give good advice and help people through their lives but I can't seem to get my own life under control.

 

Things are going to be tough for a while, and it might seem like it'll never get better but trust me it will. You don't have to cut off contact with him but I'd minimize it. Getting into that kind of relationship with someone who already has a gf/bf isn't the best idea... He cheated on her, and I agree with him it wasn't fair to his Gf. Im sorry it felt like he was going to break up with her, it sounds like he couldn't really make up his mind. You deserve someone who isn't flacky like that. I don't think it was great of him to hit on you while he had a gf.

But it's ok to feel lost and depressed over this, it's normal even. My best advice would be to try to distract yourself with something constructive, like a hobby or craft or tv shows, etc.

 

I guess I can say time is helping and working is a good distraction. I do feel a little better haven't really been angry this week guess I am accepting the situation. Still sucks because for once in many years I actually felt happy for a change which was really nice. I still send him a text here n there and nothing has changed on that front he replies with short messages. I want to ask what's up with that but I don't want to push. I would like to be able to get back to the friend front guess he isn't ready for that yet if at all. I still miss him and talking to him. Another post said (he doesn't want to talk to you) that hurt and pissed me off he did this not me. However that's life and I know I need to accept that and I am trying. I still want him in every way I do miss the sex. I need to find some and I will again it's really amazing what one night in bed can do for you. I can't say I don't want to find anyone else and it felt hopeless at first and probably will again but for now it sucks
It has helped talking about it even just here. I guess I need to vent and get this off my chest.

Thanks to everyone for the advice. I think I have made progress overall. I'll never forget this or what has happened and that's another scar on me I will live with

 

In addition to the great advice given, I'll offer a few thoughts from my perspective at 44:

- Loss and hurt go with living a full life and taking risk. You have nothing to regret. On the other hand, you have a high risk of being hurt with someone who's already in a relationship; most likely it will hurt both of you. That's the only part I might reconsider.

- Don't date someone who isn't as out as you, or who is in a different stage of self-acceptance. It sounds as though he may not be as far in this process as you, and that could be another factor that worked against you. In the future consider the situation with your head and heart. I know this from hard experience since I trust my heart a lot!

- Acceptance (even if it takes time) is the only path to real healing. You've experienced a loss, and in a way you're grieving. You may feel shame because he was already dating a woman, you may feel regret that you're feeling this way about a man and not a woman, or you may feel like simply giving up on relationships. Accept that this happened and that it turned out this way, and fully accept it with no reservations. The more you accept the faster you heal.

Finally I would recommend being very gentle with yourself right now. Take good physical and mental care of yourself, and don't try to figure everything out at once. You'll find in time that acceptance and self-care go a long way.

Patrick