So I'm getting married in a month to a man that I adore. He's my best friend, and I don't want to be without him. He's a hugely important person in my life and he's so supportive of me, and I don't want to hurt him. But I realized yesterday that I might be gay. I've identified as bi for a while, but always leant towards women. I also have a host of mental illnesses related to a narcissistic mother and abuse and so on, so I tend to "act" how people want me to, or how I think people want me to, without realizing. I feel like I am close to people but they are not close to me because I cannot stop acting a role for fear of rejection. I started questioning my sexuality when I was young. I told my mom I thought girls where prettier than boys when I was twelve and she said "you're not gay. I can sense these things. Why would you want to be like that?" and that was the end of it. I always feel like a liar, and recently I've been trying to notice when I go into this dissociated social mode and think about why. It's so extreme I can't form deep emotional bonds and satisfying friendships. So yesterday husband-to-be and I were talking about the mechanics of this self-imposed isolation of mine when I just stopped talking mid-sentence. I was getting deeper into these thoughts and it was so intensely painful I couldn't speak. I was crying, and he was looking at me like my pain was his, and I felt a lot of love for him, but I didn't want to keep going with this line of thought of WHY I feel so isolated from everyone. Like I'd touched a hot burner. I felt like there was something about me that I was hiding and I didn't want to poke at, some kind of social nuke, and I was staring at this person I love and the only thing I could think was "I'm gay." I couldn't say it, because I'm not sure and I don't want to hurt him by saying that and then going back on it. But I only fantasize about women, when we have sex I go into this...performed state where on the surface I'm super into it, and super turned on, and inside I'm thinking about women or nothing. But I've also been sexually assaulted so I'm not sure if that has anything to do with it. Fiance is good looking and takes good care of himself so...what is wrong with me? I like the after sex where you feel super intimate and cuddle a lot, though. I'm terrified that I have a best friend and because he's a man who likes me I thought that I have to do the expected thing. I struggle a lot in social situations, and have trouble acting like myself around anyone, and he's the only person I've managed to be honest with because I can't trust people. I'm worried that if I'm gay I'll lose my best friend, and that I won't connect with anyone like that again. Help please. Am I bi and traumatized or am I a lesbian? I know other people can't answer that for me, but any advice on how to move forward with this is really appreciated.
I can't tell you what you are. But i grew up with a conservative christian mother who was emotionally/mentally/verbally abusive and i'm pretty sure has narcissistic personality disorder cause it fits her to a 't'. So i get it there. For me what helped was giving myself permission to simply question it, because being raised by my mom meant that for most of my life it was rude and inappropriate behavior so that's how i had seen it. After that, i began checking out girls lots more often to my surprise and after coming on here, doing a lot of talking, thinking, and reflecting, i came to the conclusion that i like girls. I can notice when a guy's good looking but there's no sex appeal to it.
Hi Morgicent, Welcome to EC! It certainly sounds like you have a preference for women. Nothing against your fiancé but from the outside looking in, it seems you should put the brakes on your wedding. If you are this conflicted now, it will only get more complicated once you're married. If you've read any number of posts on here, you'll have seen similar accounts of how others have felt, when being intimate with their partner, the same way as you. It seems to be a good indicator of the situation. The unfortunate fact that you were abused doesn't influence your sexuality. There would be way more gay people if it did. If you can, I'd slow everything down. Give yourself a chance to properly figure out yourself, your relationship and what you want/need going forward.
