Boy, where do I begin? I am a 14-year-old male (soon to be 15 in about another month), and I've had a lot of internally conflicting thoughts as of late. I have always told everyone that I'm straight and that I love women, and my parents have always said, “You’re going to date girls, right?” -- “Yup,” I’d reply. I've always dated girls, too, and so far, I'd say that I have had mainly three real, serious relationships with them. My most recent one ended no more than two months ago. And with her, I did share something very personal about myself that I've only told one other person: that I watch gay porn. She took it as a joke, of course, and then I tried to play it off like that. She questioned me a couple times, but I always reassured that I am "100% straight." A lie, of course. Now I know it seems like I'm too young to view things like porn, but practically everyone at my age in school (mainly guys) watches stuff like that. Nevertheless, I watch it when I need to (you know), and definitely don't have an addiction. But here's the thing: I don't like straight porn. And this is where all the thoughts and questions begin to race through my head. I find women beautiful when they are, and I love those who have a great, graceful, kind, and funny personality. For this, I have had no problem with wanting to kiss and date a woman/girl who has these types of qualities. And before, I've always pictured the "perfect" family with a motherly wife and two kids to pass my traits and knowledge onto. But that's it. Just kissing, dating, and raising a family with nothing further. Meaning I can't picture myself ever having sex with a woman (sex when I'm older, I mean; I'm in no position to be intimate in that way at my current age). No offense to women (if you're reading this), but I don't find vaginas or breasts appealing at all. They're so weird and off-putting for me. Men on the other hand, I can absolutely see myself dating and having sex with. I fantasize all the time about men and always crush on male celebrities when I see them. If you give me a picture of a hot woman in a bikini next to a hot guy, shirtless with swim shorts, I would without a doubt be more attracted to the guy. And from my feelings, I'd be much more comfortable sucking a dick than licking a clit. Now it probably seems obvious that I'm most likely gay, and I think that too. But I have several pinned points that are keeping me from jumping to a really big conclusion like that so fast. Thinking further into my life, I’ve always wanted children. And with that, a female figure to help guide and nurture them through life. I’ve always felt that everyone needs that kind of motherly role as a child. Not to mention, I would’ve loved to have a kid through whom I could see a clear reflection of myself. My traits, ambitions, talents and hobbies. Things like that aren’t really given to you through processes like adoption. Then again there’s options like surrogacy, which I like the idea of much more, but it might be a real hassle to go through. You also need to find a woman willing to carrying such a thing just for you. This is probably the most conflicting part of it. Other than that, there’s not much else to it aside from likely discrimination and possible negative reactions from people outside of my nuclear family (i.e. aunts or uncles with firm religious beliefs, etc.) As well, there’s not a lot of guys that I know in real life that I’m interested in. Despite there being several homosexual kids in my school, they’re mainly either 1) too cocky, 2) too feminine, or 3) just not attractive. My feelings and fantasies for men have mostly been directed towards celebrities, like single YouTubers, and (a lot of straight) actors. Anyway, this has really been meddling with my mind for the past couple days and I'm sorry you had to read this very long message, but also applaud you. I’m looking forward to seeing your guys’ opinions on this. In my opinion, based on what I’ve researched for a while, I would consider myself a biromantic homosexual, meaning I have romantic feelings for both women and men, but just sexual desires for men. If I do turn out to be gay, though, I don’t plan on coming out anytime soon, just as an FYI, mostly because I haven’t found the right person yet. Thank you in advance.
With everything you've said, you remind me a lot of myself. Only i never actually dated guys. Like you with girls though, i can look at a guy and think he's cute and the standard family image in my head has always been a man, a woman, and kids. But there's never been a sexual attraction there. I can remember as early as 11/12 in middle school checking out girls in gym and feeling embarrassed and ashamed over it, thinking i was being very rude and inappropriate. Being raised by a christian conservative mother, this was the only background i had so of course i mislabelled my behavior, and my thoughts. Middle school was a hassle. I would get crushes on guys but it was really only a surface attraction, if that makes sense. Cute guys who dressed well and had nice hair, and that's all it extended to. I couldn't picture wanting anything to come out of it. Shirtless guys didn't appeal to me at all and i didn't understand it at all. I pretended to, but i guess i still gave off a vibe cause i'd get questions from time to time. Which i'd deny and even though i believed the words, saying "No, I'm straight" never felt right rolling off the tongue. I really did think i was just a modest, conservative, 'good girl' all through middle and high school - my mind's way of running from what should have been obvious since middle school, i think. I didn't see anything in guys and i didn't find them appealing, just pretty, so i didn't even date. And because my mom's overprotective as fuck, that never got questioned. All this being said...i identify as gay. I mean technically speaking its probably like 90% gay and 10% straight....like if the best most perfect man on earth wanted me, i'd date him, but that's it. Girls are appealing to me, not guys, though i can appreciate a good looking guy and get nervous around him, there's no sexual attraction there.
Hey Rational Crystal, Welcome to EC! (Very interesting username that you chose, by the way. If you’d care to tell why you chose it, I’d be interested to hear…) The bottom line is that only YOU can ever actually know your own sexuality. ‘What’ it is or ‘labeling’ it is far less important that simply understanding and accepting it for yourself so that you can be comfortable with who you really are. As LunarLyric said, it’s not unusual for homosexuals to appreciate the beauty in people of the opposite sex, but if there is no romantic or sexual attraction, then it’s most likely just appreciation. Really, really appreciating someone of the opposite sex, but having no romantic or sexual attraction to them is basically called a strong desire for a close friendship. That actually can happen to us with both genders, regardless of our sexual orientation. In terms of calling yourself a biromantic homosexual, I would just say that there is no formal basis for anyone to identify as ‘biromantic’ and no credible research that I have seen which shows that a person can have separate romantic and sexual attractions. Just saying… Here are some questions for you to consider in terms of (hopefully) helping you to clarify your sexuality: Can you imagine yourself in a relationship with another guy? Can you imagine yourself in a relationship with a woman again? Can you imagine yourself in a relationship with both men and women? Have you ever felt romantically attracted to a man? Have you ever felt romantically attracted to a woman (even your ex-girlfriend)? Have you ever felt romantically attracted to both men and women? Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a man (without using pornography)? Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a woman (without using pornography)? Have you ever fantasized about having sex with both men and women? The answers to these questions are only important to you, in terms of helping you to understand yourself. If you think you might perhaps be bisexual, you might want to watch these YouTube videos and see if they can help further clarify some things for you: I would add that your desire for having children that are ‘blood-relatives’ is pretty normal and, as you said, can be accomplished using a surrogate these days. I would first say that adopting a child doesn’t make them any less yours and I think you’d find that your love for them would be no less for the fact that they are not genetically tied to you. Regardless, the desire to have children is extremely common with LGBTQ couples and, while it may be a stumbling block for LGBTQ people compared to heterosexual couples, it’s not any type of argument against your actual sexuality, is it? Being fearful of Coming Out to family members – especially those with known anti-LGBTQ beliefs – is also something that is (very unfortunately) common for many LGBTQ people. Not being attracted to other homosexual guys that you know? Well, we are attracted to those to whom we are attracted. In a small population of ‘available’ people, it’s hardly surprising that you aren’t attracted to any of the other few ‘available’ gay guys that you know. That’s not an argument for or against your understanding of your own sexuality. It’s just a statement of reality. On the flip side of that, please remember, that just as with straight people, there is no guarantee that people that we are attracted to will also be attracted to us. It’s a 2way street. And, while it may not seem fair, it’s the reality that we live with. (I’m not trying to get you down, just being honest and straightforward.) Just my thoughts.
I think in a lot of ways you're answering your own questions, here. To start, porn is seldom a good indicator, on its own, of a person's orientation, since it's designed to elicit a sexual response in the viewer, no matter who they may be. If you find yourself attracted primarily to men in life otherwise, that would be by far the stronger indication. As far as the other things you mention - wanting children, family, etc., are all totally normal things to want, and there's nothing wrong with that. They're also things that society will encourage us to want, and see ourselves in, particularly if we grow up in that sort of environment. But, wanting those things does not impact one's orientation - ultimately, that comes down simply (so to speak) to the question of if you're attracted to men, women, both, etc.
