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admitted curiosity to straight friend what now?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Confusedfellow2, Apr 17, 2017.

  1. Confusedfellow2

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    So, three weeks ago I talked to my friend about how I have developed feelings for him and wish to try some things out like cuddling (I say try out because I have never done anything with a guy before but was curious to try it with him particularly). Sadly he told me he did not wish to do any of those things at all. As you can imagine after you confront a straight guy about something like that they assume you are gay, and they most likely will cut off all connections with you because they are scared of being associated with that. A couple days after that I sent him a long text explaining how I was just trying to be affectionate and how I thought he would maybe want too, but overall I value his friendship above all. He did not respond to the text... a week later I saw him and we talked, as expected he felt very uncomfortable that is why he did not respond, luckily though we clarified the situation that I was simply curious and not gay for him. Tbh I have given this some serious thought and I definitely am gay for him I just know he is not interested so I will just be friends with him.

    We are friends still so that is a good sign as he was contemplating dropping me out of his life, but he obviously values our friendship to some degree...

    It is hard, because he is definitely a troubled guy with plenty of odd and bad behaviors like being a massive germophobe/homophobe plus being very promiscuous with women and he is completely against any physical contact with me whatsoever, yet he loves having sex with women. I mean I simply mentioned cuddling on the couch and sleeping over in the same bed, I get how cuddling can be a little much bud being able to sleep next to one of your guy friends as another guy should not be such an issue... I feel like I am dealing with someone who has a history of abuse and neglect that is why he is so afraid of anything warm and intimidate, but the big question is what can I do to help him realize that affection is what he needs and that he needs a brother like figure like myself to steer him in the right direction. I believe he buries all of his feelings into pussy tbh. He hates the idea of hugging someone and snuggling up next to them bc he is afraid to be vulnerable with himself and others...

    So, should I just lay back and let him do his own thing, or should I try and talk to him about this bc it seems to me like he could use a reality check on his behavior... at this point I am simply trying to act the way I would with one of my own brothers instead of looking at this like a romantic chase bc that is hopeless, and he knows I care about him a lot.
     
    #1 Confusedfellow2, Apr 17, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 17, 2017
  2. Quantumreality

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    Hey Confusedfellow2,

    Tbh, I have cuddled with straight guys. In those instances, it just kinda happened. I didn't plan it, nor did they. And it was always just about comfort, nothing sexual - even on my part.

    But, yeah, asking a straight guy to cuddle, especially 'out of the blue' from his standpoint can be problematic.

    You can never actually tell if he might be bi or gay unless he tells you so, but as you indicated, someone who is EXTREMELY homophobic is often such because they are insecure in their own sexuality. As we've talked about before, his dating/sexual behaviors could very well indicate that he is bi/gay, but you can't do anything about it. He will either come to terms with himself (and you, if he's not already being honest with you) in his own time and there is nothing you can do except to continue to be there as a supportive friend, if you're comfortable doing that.

    If he's dealing with a history of abuse, he will either open up to you or not. But physical abuse won't affect his sexual orientation.

    Do you feel that he's worth keeping on as a friend at this point? If so, then do so. It seems unlikely that he will ever be a romantic prospect for you - for multiple reasons. So, in terms of your romantic/sexual life, perhaps you should just move on, don't you think?

    My 2cents.
     
  3. abirdy

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    I think saying something about him not being warm would be a bit strange in his perspective because you just asked him to cuddle and it would seem like you were getting upset over that rather than trying to help him.
     
  4. Lackey

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    Why not just respect that he doesn't want to cuddle or be affectionate with you. Some people are just not the touchy feely/affectionate type. And him having sex with women is different that being touch feely with a guy if he's straight. Maybe he suspects that you are attracted to him. But either way, I say just respect his boundaries and the fact that he does not want to cuddle.
     
  5. Creativemind

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    Personally, even though I'm attracted to women, I would not want to cuddle with any of my female friends. I have had to turn them down in the past.

    But with that being said, his reaction is still extreme. All he had to do was say "no" and then drop it. The extreme reaction indicates that he's still dealing with a high level of homophobia and may not look at you the same. It's unfortunate.
     
  6. Confusedfellow2

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    Hi,

    It's good to hear from you again!

    So perhaps I need to clarify that three weeks ago I told him that I have developed feelings for him, in that talk I mentioned that I wanted to cuddle with him etc...
    So he reacted to that calmly and then we didn't speak for two weeks. then I convinced him through text to come talk to me about it and we did and we are now friends still.
    At this point I would like to continue being his friend, based off what I have seen and heard from our talks and his extreme homophobia I assume he is bisexual but definitely not ready to come out in any way. I will respect that and continue to be a supportive
    friend. I have never felt so strongly for anyone else in my life so if he wants to still be friends with me which he does, then I will be there for him.

    I feel horrible though because I know I pushed this on him and I know it made him very uncomfortable. But I guess now all I can do is just treat him like I do the rest of my friends and not push anything at all. I have only known him for six months so I definitely jumped the gun on this stuff, it just all made perfect sense to me and I am so in love with him its hard not to push things but I do have self control so I can be his friend, just being with him and seeing him smile is enough for me.
     
  7. Quantumreality

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    Hey Confusedfellow2,

    It sounds like you are thinking pretty clearly and objectively about this. That’s very good.

    Of course, where matters of the heart are involved, we can’t always act in a manner consistent with the rational intent in our head – hence why you jumped the gun and pushed him like that (rationally, you know that that wasn’t a good move and reflected what you wanted, but clearly not what he wants). So there will undoubtedly be ups and downs for you, especially emotionally, until you are able to move beyond your crush on him.

    I wish you all the best!:slight_smile:
     
  8. lblubber

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    Hey there,

    This sounds like a really difficult situation. It sucks being friends with someone you love who doesn't feel the same, especially if this guy keeps pushing you away. But I think you also have to take care of yourself in this situation, not him, as hard as it is. Are you sure you're OK hanging around this guy when he isn't interested? Will you be able to get over him that way?

    I hope everything's OK with you, and your giving him space is like Quantumreality said really objective and a good move for sure