Hi! I'm a female confused about her sexual identity. Maybe I'll start from the very beginning. As a child, I've never developed any romantic feeling towards a boy; no crushes in kindergarten or primary school. That felt really isolated - not only was I an introverted, shy child outcasted by both girls and boys, but also I was under a pressure from my family (mainly from my mother and grandmoms) who thought that my lack of romantic interest in males was at least weird. When I was about 7 years old I felt an urge to kiss a girl - and I did so. It felt good, but unfortunately I was caught by my mother. It's not that I hated boys, but I only saw them as a possible friends. Approaching middle school I decided to turn my life around - I desperately wanted to be liked and accepted. I continued to like boys only platonicly - even my imaginary relationships with men were based on partnership and frienship, not affection. I found a friend, a girl who was my classmate. I quickly understood she was special to me - I loved everything about her. But then we stopped contacting for about a year due to her personal issues. This was a moment I thought I might love her in a romantic way. Everytime we met I'd go crazy. I wanted to buy her things, tried touching her all the time and I even longed for her. I'm from Eastern Europe - this's where I live and at the time the only thing I knew about homosexuals was that they were sinners/funny/unhappy, troubled people. When I understood I might like girls I was terrified and I decided to never tell anyone. As my feelings faded I lived almost happily telling people who were intrested in my love life that I was asexual - and I believed it at that time. I live in a right-winged and at least slightly misogynic household. My father is this type of person who's always right - me, my mother and my sister were WOMEN (which means being hysterical, emotional and intellectiualy inferior). On the other hand he is a well-educated, smart and carring man who has depressive tendencies and no self-esteem. He was my first authority figure who shaped how my puberty looked like. I quickly became men-obsessed. I hated women (and myself the most). I even forced myself to listen to music made by males (before I was only a fan of female artists and I felt ashamed of it). At the same time I found another friend - ironically she was a woman. It was the next time I created a very strong emotional bond with a girl. But for me friendship with her was a relationship. I used to think about us in those categories. But I couldn't be gay, I was certainly an asexual. I thought so until I discovered porn. Before I used to masturbate not thinking about any particular person. I got scared when I understood that I don't want to engage in any kind of activities with a man; I was turned on by a girl. I felt like a disgusting pervert and again, decided to never tell anyone. I tried to make myself like boys and nothing worked. A few months later I got depressed (this wasn't the main reason why). I met a guy whom I finally liked. I think I liked him because he seemed to care about me at times, when I felt abandoned; his affection could quickly raise my self esteem. The moment he stopped caring I become obsessed with him - did I like him more than I thought? The problem is that I didn't magically start liking other guys as well - I'd say he is the only man for me. I like boys mostly aesthetically; I like their sense of humour and I feel I easily get along with them. But I can only listen to romantic songs thinking about girls; I like picturing girls in a sexual context; I'd like to be in a real relationship with a smart, witty woman. But at the same time I can't get this one boy out of my head - I don't think we would fit together and I feel like I'd be really unhappy in a relationship with him. He made me question everything. At the same time I feel bad that I want to date a woman, but there's something wonderful about them. I love their bodies, I love the comfort and this internal feeling they give me. On the other hand, I have this inner sexist conflict that tells me all the time that women are hysterical, emotional and intellectually inferior and two women together are hilarious. I told yesterday my parents that I might be not entirely straight. My mother asked me if I'd like to treat my tendencies. My father told me that it's all not real and I focus to much about this whole situation. My therapist was supportive until I told her I liked a boy once - after that confession she said I just haven't met the right man. My sister treats me like I'm a pervert. My colleague claims that she may have to stop talking with me because of her faith. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm afraid I'm faking the whole situation. I fear I'm really just straight and I spend time trying to figure out things that should have been left behind a long time ago. I'm sorry, but I'm completely lost. Could somebody please help me?
Hi there. From reading your post my opinion is that you are gay. Unfortunately the attitudes of the people around you are very negative towards lbgt people. And I feel these have prevented you from realising this. I am sorry that you have grown up feeling ashamed because of how you feel and with the oppressive belief that women are inferior. You will find friendship, support and acceptance here.
Sexuality is less black and white than a lot of people think. Look up the kinsey scale. It goes from 0-6, 0 being totally straight and 6 being totally gay, so my guess is you're around 5 - mostly gay but can develop feelings for the occasional guy. I hope that helps
I always hesitate to tell someone what their orientation is. We really have to figure that out on our own. But others can give us a push in the right direction so you should definitely keep coming here and posting and reading other's stories. I think you may already know the truth about yourself. Or are at least on the right track to discovering the truth. You say it pretty clearly several times in your post. Other forces in your life are making it more confusing but you also seem to have identified these obstacles. Your parents made you feel shame early on and that is very difficult to overcome. Add to that your culture, religion, extended family, etc and many LGBT people stay in the closet their entire lives. Your father's attitude about women is wrong and I think your post proves it. Your writing indicates great intelligence. It is a very emotionally charged subject yet you show poise and grace. Not overly emotional at all. Your father is dead wrong about you and women in general. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you just you probably shouldn't take his opinions seriously on these matters. This may take time for you to unravel everything but you could start with music. Listen to those female artists that you like. Stop forcing yourself to listen to music you don't like. That's an easy thing you can do that won't bring any attention. Another piece of advice I see here sometimes is to try just taking on the label or identity for a day. Just to yourself you would acknowledge being bisexual, lesbian, queer or other for a day. Just kind of relax in that mental space and see how it feels to you. Lastly I would consider dropping that therapist. For you to have shared all of this with them then as soon as you have feelings for a guy they tell you "you just haven't found the right guy yet". This is a red flag for them having some prejudice against you not being straight and they could very well hurt rather than help. Good luck and keep coming back.
I'd like to thank you for all your replies - you made feel way better about myself. I'm still only 17 so I think I'll wait a bit longer with choosing a label that would fit me. And yes, I think I have to drop that therapist. Again, I'd like to thank you for sharing your perspective on the topic; you eased my mind
Hey, I think this is an amazing thing to post, you're clearly very introspective and honest with yourself, but sometimes to the point maybe when you criticise yourself unnecessarily? You're not perverted or wrong, and you don't have to be straight, gay, asexual- whatever. You don't need any label as long as you understand yourself as much as your post seems to show that you do. You're struggling with other people understanding you, but as Zen Fix says you just have to be able to separate out what is yours and what is theirs. Your father's misogyny isn't yours, it's his, and there's nothing you can do to change him but it doesn't mean that you have to take it on. You seem really smart and emotionally intelligent and I'm sure you'll do fine! I think no matter the label, love's sometimes a bitch. But it's also the point, right?
