I seem to have a big problem with being terrified of everyone. Since I've come to university i get a lot of guys interested in me and I've never had a problem with the idea of casual sex and tbh some of them I'm actually friends with and trust. And so i often get pretty close to the point where we would go have sex... But then i just always always run away, and with the guys i know better i just avoid the situation all together because I'd rather not reject them last minute. I have no such luck with women except for once so i cant quite compare, but it was a similar feeling of considering running away last minute, it's just someone actually dragged me away that time. Anyway, i was wondering for a while if I was gayer than i thought and tbh plenty of those guys i didn't like kissing but I'm really realising quite to my shock that i am literally just terrified of everyone in this capacity. Even people i have serious crushes on, thinking about ever ending up in such a situation​ with them is terrifying. And even with the girl i mentioned above i was considering running off and i definitely liked kissing her. it's not sex as a thing. I'm not remotely asexual, and if i think about sex as an isolated thing that's good and trust me i think about it plenty, but it feels so trippy to me somehow that sex is an actual thing that i should somehow end up doing in life. Like to me it exists in another world. So i feel like i cannot cross the threshold. I mean i have literally RAN away from people. How is one supposed to not do that and just sex i don't understand how that occurs. There is so much to worry about in that moment. Generally I am shy but not unsociable. I have this same feeling at other times like when I'm entering a room full of people that i cannot leave immediately if i open the door (e.g. I ran away from uni's first drama society meeting before i could open the door and went and hid in the toilet because i knew they would pair me up immediately whether i opened the door and i was terrified of everyone or not) on rollercoasters purely because they make me feel trapped - i hate them. When i see someone in public when i wasn't expecting to see anyone and it makes me feel weirdly snuck up on or something. I dunno weird things freak me out and I'm starting to feel like sex is one of them, and if it is i am so so so unhappy about that because i have not been able to stop intermittently running away from filled rooms and rollercoasters and i want to stop running away from sex because i am just not asexual. I am a sexual being and I'm annoyed.
You are doing okay. And your time to have sex will come in the future. It's normal to be scared, what is not normal (and totally a bad idea) is jumping into things you are not ready.
I felt the same way. I ran after having sex with the father of my child even. I still feel bad and that was ten years ago. It's either anxiety. Or you haven't really figured out who you are. I would go ahead and have heterosexual sex and even lesbian sex. But then distance myself, because it felt awkward and that something was wrong with me. Like I wasn't like everyone else who was straight or lesbian. Then, I delved deeper and found bigender and autosexual characteristics. So there you go. Do some more soul searching first to figure out why this might scare you, if not for the sexual aspect of it. Then, move forward. Otherwise, you're left with loss and confusion.
Yes it could just be me not being ready, but I'm an adult and I'm not okay with that; or anxiety, but the only thing i can see to fix that is forcing myself to do it anyway, since thats generally how i have to deal with such things; or me not understanding myself, possibly i am gayer than i thought and if i had more interest from women i would have an easier time? The last one i have a problem with because I have always been... interested in men. And so on occasion i have thought of myself as a lesbian but then found it to be way to absurd to overlook my thoughts about men. So i let that idea go. Perhaps as you say i don't understand myself at all though. I do feel like now i have allowed myself to think of women sexually, my interest in men has become increasingly less sexual. Without the sexual element i know that i idolise masculinity, so occasionally i think i am like secretly trans but no i find that also to be absurd. Over all, i think the way i see myself as a sort of Kinsey 4/5 bisexual tomboy soft butch is the least unlikely out of all of these (isnt it funny that somehow such an identity has me attract swathes of men and no women?) In terms of anxiety, i had a teacher try to get me diagnosed with actual anxiety but i saw this also as unlikely since 1) i had been trying to make her feel bad for me because i was slacking i just didn't expect her to be THAT concerned 2) I've never had what i know to be a panic attack in almost 19 years of life so i see any anxiety i may have as negligible and within the neuro-typical range. The idea that i am not ready is possible and not absurd but irritating haha. I've never really seen much point in waiting till your ready for things since that barely ever comes as far as i see, except when you are an actual child incapable of doing things. I'm 19. So this idea is very irritating but probably the least problematic?
With me, I kept going out with men, testing to see if I was a lesbian. I didn't know why I wouldn't try harder to test my orientation with women in those days instead of men. And in my teens and early twenties, I was falling for really straight men online. But only romantically. Then, when the idea of actually having sex came up, it disgusted me. Then, in my mid twenties, I went with women, and that wasn't disgusting and I didn't feel ashamed, but I couldn't fully enjoy myself with either sex, as people do. So I gave up on sex. Maybe, I'm asexual kind of thing. But I always had this fascination with bottoming. Whether watching it or doing it. And even, like I mentioned above, why would I fall in love with men and talk to them like I'm in a relationship, if I was a lesbian? So I thought, okay, maybe I'm a biromantic lesbian. But I always had this fascination with bottoming. Whether watching it or doing it. So I'm like, "Why would I want to do that to a man with a strap on, if I'm really a lesbian?". The idea of being transgender was absurd to me, too. We have a neighbor, who's daughter is transgender. At first, I thought it was just a phase she was going through. Or, even if she was really trans, why did she have to try so hard by dressing the part? Why wouldn't she just dress androngynous, while still coming out to everyone? Gender still confuses me. Why people have to paint such specific pictures, if we both start out in the womb as genderless, and women's clits/vagina are the equivilent to a penis/balls, just internal. I felt, because of the fascination with bottoming, that I could possibly be a bisexual man or gay man trapped in a female body. But I didn't want to dress like a man, so WTF?! Yeah, then, I discovered bigender, and it all made sense. And autosexuality. A lot of who you really are and what you like comes from allowing yourself to really indulge in masturbation. It's a really important first step. When I first lost my virginity, my parents treated me like a child and took away privileges from me. I felt like you, in the sense that it was frustrating, because I felt like an adult and felt I was ready. But, looking back, it may have been just as satisfying to watch porn for the time being and just better discover what it was I really wanted, rather than getting out there and doing it and being disappointed, and having to detach from various people. Just my two cents. Just try and go with the flow, even though it's frustrating. It will all fall into place in time And, if once you're in your thirties or something, like me, and it still hasn't, then, force it, lol!
