Since I can remember all of my friendships with boys were sexualized by people around me. Recently I started accepting I like girls - it's clear to me I'm into some girls, not all of them; that's normal. But I have this dilemma with opposite sex - growing up I could only like boys because of their personality, not appearance (I could see that the guy was attractive, but it was of no importance to me) and I felt pressure to notice them the way other girls saw them. About a year and a half ago I started forcing myself to appreciate looks of boys passing me on the street etc. and now I think I developed some kind of Heterosexual OCD (I couldn't find a better analogy). It's like I don't really want to be attracted to this guy, but I keep overthinking the whole situation, and I fear it's the sign of attraction (?), and I just keep checking for some kind of proof. I'm anxious that I secretly just like boys, because that's what a woman should do etc. Over the years I tried to find qualities in opposite sex that would appeal to me and now I don't know if I only made myself this way, or I'm just straight (it's my biggest fear now). How to deal with it?
hmm, I went through something similar in 7th grade, where I questioned my opposite sex attraction. Honestly, I think it's best not to overthink on stuff you're not too sure about (just try using the gut feeling) and know that however you end up is ok. But also, don't force youself to be a certain way if that's not you. With those two things, it'll eventually be clearer as to how you feel.
Sometimes it can take a long time to get rid of heteronormative brainwashing. Took me until I was 19!
