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I fought to be accepted as gay, and now I'm full on questioning again

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by thinkanddream, Apr 24, 2017.

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  1. thinkanddream

    thinkanddream
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    So I have a pretty stereotypical story. I fell for my friend when I was 14, on and off questioned my sexuality for 6 years and then came out about a month ago to my family. It was hard because my mother didn't accept me and we fought heaps with me nearly moving out. Finally we talked and I had some of my family there who supported me, and now it's all peachy. Literally my mother tags me in 'gay things' on fb. Overall all the super important people in my life know and I'm glad that the emotional coming out turmoil has ended.
    Except, now, I'm not sure I'm actually gay. The past week I've found a couple of guys attractive and for the past few months or so I've been toying with the idea that maybe, just maybe I'm somewhere on the asexuality spectrum. I've been ignoring this though. I even stopped listening to Tegan and Sara and I have literally no interest in watching any of the shows I used to watch that had gay characters. These might seem silly, but music and tv shows were my lifeline for a while there. I even started dressing differently since I've been thinking this.
    So things have changed. I won't go into huge detail but I think I really fit with asexuality. Firstly, I don't really find people physically attractive, as in people's bodies.
    Thing is, I don't really understand attraction. I don't really know how it feels. The guys I thought were attractive, were because they dressed well or spoke well. I think i just found their attributes or characteristics attractive. As for the friend when I was 14, I don't know. I've had 3 proper crushes since I was 14 (2 female, 1 male, (I'm 20)), but I don't really know what it is that I'm feeling. I don't think I want to do anything with any of them, but I still liked it when they spoke to me or were nice to me.
    Sometimes, I think that I just want to be more like that person, not actually be with that person.
    I fully get that I have to figure this out on my own, but my problem is that it's really hard to do so when I'm being pigeon-holed into one label (this is all my own doing, don't worry I'm beating myself up enough) that I'm not even sure I fit. My mother literally told me not to come out because of this exact thing happening and I'm really not looking forward to her 'I told you so'.
    I just don't know who the real me is anymore.
    (I think I really needed to get some of this off my chest) Thank you for reading.
    If you have any advice or even some websites I could look at, that would be greatly appreciated. :slight_smile:
     
    #1 thinkanddream, Apr 24, 2017
  2. Worker Bee

    Worker Bee
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    You shouldn't beat yourself up. And don't worry about being pigeonholed. I thought I was a lesbian for over 20 years. However I now realise I was wrong. I feel better within myself now.
     
    #2 Worker Bee, Apr 24, 2017
  3. Chronos

    Chronos Guest

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    Its all good! More than half of all people have sexual attractions other than what they identify with at some point in their life. Who cares if your actually bi or pan, as long as you can accept yourself. As long as you can love who you are, other's opinions don't matter.

    I gotcha girl! :wink:
     
    #3 Chronos, Apr 24, 2017
  4. Simsim

    Simsim
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    I'm glad that when you originally came out you found acceptance and love from those closest to you.
    That means they love and accept you, you as a person, not your orientation.
    You don't necessarily need to come out for every shift in your orientation unless it is important to you.
    I doubt your mother is introducing you to people as "thinkanddrream the lesbian", because she sees you as more than being defined by your orientation.
    If you want advice from your mother, go ahead and discuss it with her.
    If you end up in a relationship with a guy, then feel free to explain in to her.
    But I wouldn't worry about needing to define yourself to other people as your priority, sometimes that can confuse first clarifying how you feel to yourself!

    I still don't exactly know my orientation, but that doesn't bother me, maybe I'll never know or never be happy with how a label sounds, I'm more intent on living my life in a way that makes me happy and that mostly comes from internal exploration rather than external justification.
     
    #4 Simsim, Apr 24, 2017
  5. SomeUsername

    SomeUsername
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    I think a lot of people go through a "rainbow phase" and develop tastes associated with their sexuality or gender after coming out or accepting themselves, and sometimes tone it down over time. People's tastes in media and fashion tend to change a lot according to whatever's on their mind, so it makes sense that you might be less invested in T&S now, it doesn't necessarily mean your orientation's changing or anything.
    Either way, it's pretty normal to question your orientation and nothing you should beat yourself up over or avoid. Being attracted to guys doesn't undermine your attraction to girls in any way. If your mom gives you a hard time, you could point that out.
     
    #5 SomeUsername, Apr 24, 2017
  6. thinkanddream

    thinkanddream
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    Thank you all so much for replying. I think this week has been really hard for me and I really needed to talk to anyone who kinda gets it. I'm so so so grateful.

    UPDATE: It turns out that it isn't all hunky dory with my dear ol' mum. She's been going around talking about me behind my back, which is lovely. Telling people that I'm going through a phase caused by talking to people on the internet. Oh, the irony.
    Also, I was planning on moving out soon so that I didn't have to live with my mother and deal with her issues, but my work just cut my hours severely.
    I've been thinking a lot and journalling, and I think a lot of my problem (other than constantly overthinking and my mother) is a nice mixture of internalised homophobia and commitment issues. Girls still give me heart palpitations but the idea of being in a relationship absolutely terrifies me.
    This past week I've been feeling super duper down and I think to survive it, I just switched off. I felt like I was losing my identity, as well as my sexuality. With everything that was happening in my personal life, it just was easier to try and ignore this part of myself. I.e. It is easier to dress more 'girly' and listen to 'mainstream' music because it would cause fewer issues with my mother. Mind you, I'm 20, so....
    I still don't feel 100% back to normal, but I guess it's just a slow process.
    Thank you all so much for your support. It's so valuable and precious to me.
     
    #6 thinkanddream, Apr 27, 2017
  7. Luka99

    Luka99
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    It's totally normal to lose interest that was super important to you at one time.
    I don't like to play with lego anymore and I've grown out of watching the kind of shows I liked when I was 14, or 16 even. It's part of growing up.
    Also there's a ton of reasons why you might not feel sexually attracted to girls at the moment or just don't see yourself in a relationship with them.
    Perhaps there's just not any girls at the moment that can give you those butterflies in your stomach feelings, or perhaps your bi sexual rather then lesbian.
    Or perhaps depression, stress and/or anxiety or medication is/was surpressing those kind of feelings.
    Either way... sounds like your mom won't be very helpful as she is clearly not mature enough to handle these kind of things properly.
    But keep talking to us... And perhaps you can find a counselor at school or a friend or something to talk to as well, who won't tattle to your mom behind your back.

    Take care!

    Luka
     
    #7 Luka99, Apr 29, 2017
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