Hello, before you read this I just wanna say thank you for taking the time to read. And if you reply thank you for taking the time to reply This is going to get a little detailed and long. My current dilemma: I don't know if I'm gay or bi. That's the surface at least. I should preface this by saying I have anxiety. Not too serious but I experience anxiety symptoms almost on a daily basis and I worry, overthink, etc. Self-doubt is a constant state of mind for me. It's a mixture of mild general anxiety and mild social anxiety. I'm generally shy around people I don't know, I can be friendly if spoken to or if I take a special interest in someone. Also, I can be pretty easily influenced but have improved on that a lot and have started questioning and thinking more deeply instead of taking things people say at face value. I can get very analytical, to an extreme point, mainly when trying to figure out who I am. I can remember having crushes on boys ever since I was 6 years old. I even wrote a boy a letter in kindergarten asking him to be my boyfriend (and that crush continued when I moved back to that state in 4th grade) but my parents shut that down and told me it was better if I didn't give it to him. Both of my parents were very loving and before they got divorced I would say I was a bit spoiled. By 16 I was already desperate for a boyfriend, watching everyone else have those experiences and being obsessed with romance movies didn't help. But at around that time also I remember watching a movie with two girls kissing and feeling turned on, it was a nice feeling but I grew up religious so... y'know. At like 17 years old I became friends with a wonderful boy, it then turned into love interest but I was so indecisive about my feelings that I ended it. Sometimes we would be walking alone and I would feel nervous that he would kiss me, I remember I didn't want him to kiss me even though I was inexperienced and at the same time wanted to get that over with. But I definitely cared about him and was sad when we, understandably, didn't talk again. Also, at around that time was when I discovered (sorry maybe tmi) masturbating and lesbian porn so I had started questioning and being like hmmmm girls turn me on this is not normal? But I have never had a crush on a girl always boys so before that it never came to mind that I wasn't straight. Anyways, I thought the reason why I didn't like that boy was because he just wasn't for me. Here is where I am at currently: I'm 21, I've still never had a relationship or kissed anyone. Right now I have a crush on this boy who I had been admiring from afar. Last week I got up the courage to talk to him, and we had a conversation about our class. Before talking to him I felt that fluttery feeling, I was nervous. However once I sat down that went away, and I didn't feel anything physically. As in excessive blushing, or anxiety or the things other people feel around their crush. I just felt happy that the conversation was going well. After I left, I basically spent the whole weekend thinking about him and our conversation and the things he said and whether he might like me back etc. I've been aware that I'm questioning my sexuality. I'm allowing myself to look at girls, check them out, consider the possibility of a relationship with a girl, but getting to this point has taken awhile. I just don't want to be forcing a crush. And I have also felt desperate to know what my sexuality is. Before approaching my crush, that whole week I felt confident that I was bisexual and it felt really good! I was happy about it! But now I'm anxious again. I don't want to be lying to myself, and I don't want to hurt another boy. Even though I don't think this one likes me (I just spent two hours googling how to know if a shy boy likes you). I just want to be confident in who I am, and I want to explore it without this constant obsessing and worrying. I also am aware that I am the only one who will really know my sexuality, even though this was long and detailed someone reading still doesn't know my own story. I know there could even be feelings I'm repressing. I'm honestly not sure what I want by posting this. Just a different perspective I guess? Thank you again in advance for any replies. This is such a nice community. Even if no one replies it was therapeutic to get that written down.
I also forgot to add that the prospect of a relationship with anyone scares the shit out of me. But i've never had the chance to test whether I would still go through with it despite the fear with a girl rather than the opportunity I've had to have a relationship with a boy
That's sounds kinda like what happened to me. I'd had crushes on girls all my life... until I caught myself daydreaming in class.... about a cute guy... I thought about this for a long time and finally accepted myself as bisexual. If you feel feelings for both girls and guys, your probably bi. If so, welcome to the club! *throws confetti* Don't rush into anything though, these things take a lot of thought. If you've had feelings for guys, then your almost certainly not fully gay/lesbian. You need to think long and hard about if you like girls too, what you like in a girl, could you realistically imagine yourself in a relationship, ect... I hope, no matter what sexuality you are, that you are able to find out who you are and learn to love being that person
Hi quizzical. Please don't worry about your age. I didn't have my first relationship until I was 21. I was a loner throughout my childhood and although I knew I wasn't into boys I had no idea why. I can't remember how old I was when I learned about people being gay. And eventually at the age of 19 I admitted to myself that I liked girls and then got super depressed as I didn't know anyone who was lgbt they could have been all around me but I had no clue. For many years I identified as a lesbian however looking back I realise that I felt uncomfortable in my own skin and ill at ease. I now realise I'm actually agender (however I'm still 100% all for women). What I would say is allow yourself the time to discover who you are (I actively ignored what I was feeling and then a few months ago have a complete identity crisis). Post as much as you need to. There are people from the whole rainbow spectrum here with varying experiences, who will listen to you.
Chronos, thank you for the support! I'm glad you've accepted it. I feel like it's a long and hard journey there at least for some of us. I do have a question, do you feel a preference for either gender? Because I know sexually I feel more responsive to girls than boys. So now I microanalyze all of my feelings towards boys to the point where I can't tell what's genuine and what might be me in denial? NerdByNature, thank you! I'm glad you've found and accepted who you are. You're right I really do need to allow myself time to figure these things out. I somehow get the ridiculous sense that I am running out of time though, and that I will be old and I will have never experienced what it is to love and be loved but I'm probably getting ahead of myself.
