Hi, and thank you for reading this. I'm a 28 year old male who has been questioning his sexuality for almost a decade. I've had a number of relationships with women during this time. Sex is usually great for me, though I occasionally lose my erection and can't get it back. But if I do keep it, sex is very nice. I've watched porn regularly for almost 2 decades. I've gone through the typical routine. Masturbated to straight stuff. Masturbated to weird stuff. Masturbated to gay stuff. Now it's mostly straight. But... every once in a while I can get into a gay porn very intensely and have an orgasm that dwarfs everything else I experience in life. I orgasm fine and consistently with females, and usually gay stuff will not aroused me at. But when it does, the orgasm is heart-pounding and reaches my whole body. It's pretty crazy. Is this what orgasms are supposed to be? Has every orgasm I've had with girlfriends been distorted? I never have sexual feelings for men in everyday life. I've hooked up twice with men and never got any big sexual feelings out of it. At all really. If I'm in the closet, then this issue in my life runs very deep. And it all comes back to these remarkably intense orgasms I get occasionally from watching gay porn.
Hi there, no these threads don't get old. That is what we are all on here for. I don't have much advice regarding the porn though the advice I have heard on here is that porn is not a good indicator of orientation. Though I understand your reaction to it is confusing for you and you want to determine why it's so intense. Maybe some of the dudes have better advice. Best.
Hey Bigkid, Are the only reasons that you are questioning your sexuality the fact that you occasionally lose your erection during sex (which can happen for any number of reasons) and that you like to watch gay porn? Porn is a terrible indicator of sexuality. A better indicator of your romantic and sexual attractions would be your fantasies. Do you ever imagine yourself in a romantic relationship with a man? (I'm guessing that you often imaging yourself in romantic relationships with women.) When masturbating, without using porn, do you ever imagine yourself having sex with a man? With a woman? With both, men and women?
Without porn, only thoughts of women bring me to orgasm. I can't get erect with gay fantasies and they're kind of forced. But I also never have that intense orgasm when masturbating without porn. What's caused me to question my sexuality has less to do with feeling gay and more to do with not feeling straight enough.
It's really the intensity of the orgasm, and how my orgasms from hetero sex pale in comparison that makes me wonder. I have on two occasions hooked up with guys, but with no sexual response. However, one time I was around a potential gay encounter. I didn't feel inclined to make it happen, but I fantasized about it later and had an intense orgasm, though I know that the fantasy was not really how things would have gone down. I was less turned on by the guys and more aroused by intense images of splendorous male orgasms. I don't know if these fantasies align with reality, but it has to be a gay fantasy for me to achieve that max orgasm.
Hey Bigkid, Fantasizing about that guy that you didn't hook up with sounds like an indicator. When you did that, you were fantasizing just about him, not also watching porn at the time, right? You said that you hooked up with guys on two occasions, but had "no sexual response." May I ask what your thought process was in hooking up with them in the first place and what do you mean by "no sexual response"?
The fantasy I had was pretty much a gay porno. It was actually two guys, a couple. And I don't feel like I was turned on by either of them, but porn-like fantasy I had was hot, though very brief and almost straight to orgasm. The first time I hooked up with a guy, it was premeditated. One of my gay friends set me up with one of his gay friends to have an opportunity to experiment. I never got aroused during our hookup. We made out for 10-15 minutes. He put his hands down my pants. It just didn't lead to much. I never got an erection or a sincere urge to continue. The second hookup was with this guy who propositioned me outside a hotel. I wasn't attracted to him (as I wasn't to the first hook up), but I had to say yes to give myself the chance. I blew him, he penetrated me. I never got turned on by any of this. I never even got erect save for the last 15 seconds of the bj he gave me. So these hook ups didn't start out or become sext. Maybe not the fairest occasions to base things on, though I've never gotten that close to a female before and not been aroused
Well, to be honest, Bigkid, it doesn't sound like you really have romantic and sexual attractions to me. It is, of course, possible that you are just deeply suppressing such attractions but nothing you described here really sounds like you're other than heterosexual. In terms of having more stimulating ejaculations watching gay porn, it's possible that you are turned on by the 'forbidden fruit' aspect of gay sex, but, as a straight guy, you don't really get turned on by sexual contact with another guy. I don't know if it will help, but here are a couple of YouTube videos that discuss romantic and sexual attractions in a bisexual context. Maybe something in the discussions can give you some further clues. Are You Bisexual - Quiz How to Tell if You're Bisexual - Is Bisexuality a Choice?
When you are out and about who attracts your attention? Letting yourself notice people and not judging yourself for it might help make things a bit more clear. Can you imagine yourself in a relationship with a guy? It's kinda hard to tell what your sexuality is based on orgasms alone in my opinion.
LOL! I just noticed a typo in my last post. The first sentence SHOULD read: "Well, to be honest, Bigkid, it doesn't sound like you really have romantic and sexual attractions to men." Sorry about that weird typo.
When I'm out in public, both men and women get my attention, but I rarely get turned on by just looking at people. The intensity of the orgasm lies heavily on my mind and feels like the source of all my anxiety. I appreciate the responses. Thank you for the help
Hey Bigkid, We are a support site, but we are not therapists. For your specific issue have you tried to find a therapist (especially one that deals with sexuality issues)? A therapist can help you on a much more personal level. However, from what I know, it may take changing therapists a couple of times before you find one that truly 'gets' you, so don't be discouraged if your initial experience (or a couple of subsequent experiences) with a therapist are not as satisfying/enlightening as you initially hope. You'll get there. Especially as long as you continue to explore your questioning/doubts, IMO.
What confuses me most is that I've been trying to open myself to possibly being at least bi for almost a decade now, and I still don't find myself being sexually attracted at all to men in real life. No guy has ever given me a boner. I'll notice a hot guy, but any thoughts I put in my head about him will not lead to anything. I feel like letting the gay pour out would be easier than this, but all i have to go on are the occasional experience with gay porn and a lack of confidence in my heterosexuality. I'm not sure I've ever crushed on a guy before either. But I have had very good friendships and I find myself easily admiring men and wanting to learn from them. I've just never wanted to get physically intimate with them. But I don't know if that lack of wanting is cud I'm straight or cus I'm buried in the closet
As said above, one thing to keep in mind is that porn, on its own, is not a good indicator of sexual orientation. It's designed to sexually stimulate the viewer - so the fact that you're feeling that just means that the porn is doing its job, not necessarily that you have any deeply hidden sexual attractions. I'm a little unclear on whether or not you actually hooked up with two men on separate occasions, or if this was the subject of your fantasy. If you took the opportunity to have sex with men more than once, that would be a much better indication of sexual attraction to men. However, if the fantasy is there, but you've never acted on it, then my suspicion is that you've just conditioned yourself to be sexually excited by "exotic" people and situations - namely, people and situations you wouldn't otherwise find yourself attracted to. Try kicking the porn to the curb for a while - say, a month - and see if it changes how you feel. If you find yourself not fantasizing about men anymore - or, on the other hand, if you continue to look for/accept sex with men (assuming you did act on this, as above), - you may have your answer, either way.
The two hook ups were real. But I didn't engage in them due to any sexual arousal, more out of a sense of duty to myself to experiment. But that's why I brought up the one time I was aroused by a *potential* gay hook up (even though it wasn't necessarily a potential hook up as it was a couple and I was sort of stereotyping them in my head to assume they would have hooked up with me). I bring that up because after I had said goodnight to the one who was my friend, left to my thoughts, I was aroused by my fantasy of what could have happened. Though, like I said earlier, the very way I imagined it would take place was pornographic. And that's really the only time I've really been aroused by a real life situation. My actual gay hook ups were extremely lack-luster, but I also figured they should be after they were through because I wasn't attracted to either if those guys, so I didn't feel like I learned much from the hook ups
Is this a thing? Can you tell me anymore about that? Is that a recognized condition? I feel like I've heard people suggest this but I'm not sure what it means
Not a condition, and I'm not trying to diagnose you with anything (which I couldn't do online anyway, even if I was a medical professional). Just simple cognitive conditioning - expose yourself to something while eliciting a sexual stimulus from yourself, do it over again enough times, and sooner or later the connection will become automatic. And if you have hooked up with guys (which not everyone 100% enjoys 100% of the time), and have been sexually aroused by the idea of doing so, then I would start considering the possibility that you are in fact attracted to men. You at least have some capacity for this, it seems. Anyway, my prior suggestion still stands. Kick the porn for at least a month and see how you feel.
