I'm an 18 yo cis girl thats been questioning for a few years now. I'm pretty sure I like girls, and I strongly lean towards id'ing as a lesbian/hope I'm a lesbian (even though that might be an ignorant thing to say in a heteronormative world, but I just would hate so much to have to date guys:/).+ I 'came out' to one of my friends by telling her I like a girl/have liked other girls but don't know what I am. there's just 2 things holding me back from using lesbian as an identity for myself. 1. I have had strong feelings towards one person in my life, and it was a guy. at the time I was convinced I was in love, but looking back at it now, I don't know if you can really say that at 11/12 years old. I was always nervous around him, thought he was the most beautiful person, my chest swelled up when he touched me etc. however, I don't remember once thinking about kissing him or touching him in any way (maybe because I was so young?) and I remember greatly trying to suppress this crush+hide it from my friends, thinking I would way rather not feel this way about him. today this guy is still my best friend and I feel nothing whatsoever towards him, I don't think I can deny I once had a big crush on him but it's now just a great platonic one. I've never felt this way about anyone else, even the girl I like now and have liked for the last few years I don't feel the crazy butterflies for, it's just a super nice feeling I get from her, always wanting her around + imagining kissing her and going further.. 2. because of that one crush on that one guy, I'm held back from calling myself a lesbian, but bisexual doesnt feel right either, because I can't see myself with any guy at this point. HOWEVER, whenever I see a guy anywhere (in public or in pictures) regardless of whether they're a stranger or not, regardless of whether I think they're good looking, this uncomfortable/nervous feeling creeps up on me and I don't know if itvhas to do with suppressed hetero attraction (I know.....) or if its caused by my anxiety about the possibility of feeling attracted to them and discovering that I do like guys afterall. this physiological reaction has heavily increased after coming out to that one person because coming out more publicly is more of a realistic prospective now and I'm scared of there not being a turning back once I've come out for liking girls. I don't feel this way at all when looking at (attractive) girls, that usually just makes me feel really nice and warm inside, say oh my god!!!!! shes so hot/pretty!!, or give me that ~feeling~ down there. there's usually no butterflies or feeling in my chest, which then also makes me insecure about how genuine my attraction to girls is. I guess what I wanna know is: is it normal to feel this nervous around the gender you claim not to be attracted to? I'm sorry this is so long, I hope someone out there can grant me w some wisdom or calm my mind down a little because I have daily freakouts abt not having this all figured out lol!!! thanks in advance n I hope everyone has a good day
I label myself as gay but i have a similar issue myself. I question myself from time to time, because even now i can notice when a guy is good looking. But its nothing more than that - oh hey he looks nice. Now and even during my middle school guy crush phase its always been purely because they were aesthetically pleasing. They were nice to look at, but i never wanted anything from them. Growing up in middle school i would crush on guys but it was always innocent - staring at them, feeling nervous, etc. I could never imagine wanting to kiss them or date them or anything. When other girls went gaga over a shirtless guy picture i just didn't get the facination - it was an 'huh okay...next!' sort of thing with me. I would try to play along and pretend but i think they could tell. But with girls, i would check them out from as young as 6th grade. But because i mislabelled these actions/feelings as rude and inappropriate...i just spent the rest of my school life repressing it. I convinced myself i liked guys for the longest time, but because i didn't actually want to date a guy, i just simply never dated. Ever. I would get questions of if i was gay periodically from time to time and i always answered that i was straight because thats what i believed, but despite that it never felt right rolling off my tongue.
