This is terrifying. My heart is pumping like crazy and I'm not even sure why I'm so nervous. Maybe I'm just scared that I really am so far out of the ordinary that I really don't really fit in anywhere, but I guess where nothing is ventured, nothing is gained. So, a little bit about me, I guess. I am anatomically female, but have always had a strained view on myself and my own gender. Some days, I love being a girl. I dress up all girly-like, wear my make-up right and just, you know, do girl things. Other days, I hide away in my hoodies, trying my best to come of as a guy, which isn't an easy feat with copious breasts and wide hips. Most days, though, I'm not ... anything. I just am. I don't feel either way and I jut can't really imagine myself as either a guy nor a girl. I just .... I don't even know. I just feel misplaced. Like I shouldn't be either. I just want everything to go away so I can just be human without the label of a gender dictating who I am. Then there's my sexuality, which you can probably guess is hard to figure out when I'm not even sure who I am. I guess I like both guys and girls. I find some men very attractive and some women very attractive. I have, uh, sexual fantasies, I guess, about both. My most common sexual fantasy, however weird it makes me feel, is being a man with another man. I've got a serious case of penis envy and yet I really don't - I want to be able to, you know, have sex like a man, but I don't actually want to be a man. I have a lovely boyfriend - or, fiancé rather - whom I love very much. I mean, I really do love him. But I'm not really attracted to him, as a man. I enjoy having sex with him, but I don't like touching him and doing stuff to him. We have two kids, so it's not like we don't do it - we have sex almost every night, but I just don't really want to, until we actually get started and it feels good. I have no desire to have sex, but it feels good when I do. And it's not just this one boyfriend; it's been that way with all of my boyfriends. I love(d) them, but I didn't have any sort of sexual desire towards them. When I was younger, my friends teased me a lot because I was rather, uh, promiscuous. I'd pretty much sleep with anyone who offered, no matter age, sex, gender, sexual preference or appearance - as long as it was a nice, enjoyable person, I saw no reason not to. I think it was mostly because I never really felt that ... spark. That passionate desire that just made me want to lick every inch of their skin. Until I met my first serious boyfriend, that is. He was ... Special. He was gorgeous, to put it bluntly, but he was also gay. I was just this scrawny little girl who was terribly confused with who I was and he sorta took me under his wing. He introduced me to a world where I didn't have to feel ashamed about having sex with whoever I wanted, because that was just part of what they - later we - did. However weird it was, we were partners in a romantic relationship, but rarely actually had sex with one another. I moved in with him after getting kicked out of home at age 15 (completely different story) and, well, lived with him. We did like, couple shit all week long and on the weekends we'd go out and have sex with other people. Sometimes we (mostly he) brought our partners home to the apartment and the first time I actually saw him having sex with a guy, was the first time I felt that spark of desire. I just really wanted to be part of it, somehow. It wasn't the same is it was a guy and a girl; that didn't do it for me. It pretty much had to be guys being together - and me "somewhere in between". I'm pretty sure that's as well as I can possibly phrase it. I'm sorry it got so long and I really hope you'll just take the time to read it through and hopefully have some advice for me. Also, sorry about the, uh, dramatics of it, but I can't really help myself. I'm a writer, so it just comes naturally.
Hey thanks for sharing. Dont worry nobody here will judge you. I do have a question about what you have written though. You say you have been quite promiscuous and you have sexual fantasies about girls but have you every slept with a girl?
Thank you for your reply. Yes, I have slept with several girls over the years, but just never really dated one. There was this one girl that I saw on a regular basis for a while, but there wasn't much of a relationship with it; just regular sex. I do enjoy sex with women the same way I enjoy sex with men, I suppose. I can appreciate the sensations of being stimulated, but I don't really feel that desire. I tend to find women more pleasing to the eye than men and I can recognize that someone (of either sex) is attractive, but that is pretty much as far as it goes.
Hi Madhatress, Out of the ordinary? Maybe, but aren't we all I recognise myself in parts of your story. I also feel that at some times my gender identity corresponds with my body, but that at other times it doesn't and it makes me feel confused and anxious. For years I couldn't make sense of it, who/what was I? Then about a year ago I found out about genderfluidity and I learned that some people periodically move between gender identities, male, female, demi-(fe)male, agender, bigender, etc. I didn't really do much with it, until I came out to myself as genderfluid about a month ago, and last night to the girl I'm dating (she was very supportive). I don't know exactly how to live with it yet or how to express it, but I do want to embrace it and it's something I'm working on at the moment. I'm not trying to convince you that you're genderfluid, that's something you'll have to find out for yourself, but it could be a good place to start looking. As for your sexual fantasies, I have similar fantasies, but probably not as strong as yours, as I've never had sex before. (Until recently I used to be really shy) I think those fantasies stem from curiosity caused by my genderfluidity; wanting to experience something that I can't.
