Hi there, I'm going to be writting a series of sentences of what am feeling as of now, sorry if it doesn't make sense, I'm kind off overwhelmed. - I'm pretty sure I'm a gay guy in denial. - I don't really want a relationship with a guy because I don't want to deal with the reality of being gay and having to explain myself to people. - I also have feelings for women but I don't know if I could enjoy sex with them as much as I enjoy or fantasize being with men. - Since I was a kid I always had crushes on girls, wanted to have a girlfriend and felt pretty much normal, when I turned 13 right as I hit puberty, I started seeing guys differently, first I thought I was just curious about how I was gonna be when I got older, what my body would look like etc... then noticed while watching porn that it turned me a lot more watching the guy banging the girl so then I started with gay porn. - My first time and the following times having sex, have been with guys, I feel terrible about it cause they all have been internet hook ups. - I wish I could experiment with a girl as I haven't had the chance to. - I'm afraid if I come out one day, I'll make my family feel deception towards me because now they would have two gay sons instead of one. - I hate that I can't be brave enough to not care about anyone else but me. - I wish I could marry a woman that would accept me as I am, sexually atracted to guys and romantically to her. - I hate that I can't be like the "normal" guys even tho I like that I'm not really like them if that makes any sense. - I'm secretly planning to be single forever and when the times comes, having kids with a donor and raising my kids as a single parent. - Sometimes I don't want to deal with life...
Unfortunately, the complication stems from all of the messaging you have been exposed to over the years living in a heteronormative society. The messages bring doubts about oneself and creates pressures to try and conform to heteronormative standards. At the same time, your emotions are being impacted by shame and internalized homophobia, which is brought on by all of the aforementioned messaging. Its a tough situation to be in, but one which you can overcome. It takes work, persistence and fortitude. You can learn to manage the shame and internalized homophobia. You can build confidence, self esteem and self worth even while living in a heteronormative world. As you do, you can clarify your sexuality and begin to live confidently as the person you are supposed to be - whatever you ultimately conclude that is. Continue to post on EC, exchange ideas with others, expose yourself to others with different perspectives and better understand whom you are.
Thank you for taking the time to respond to my ramblings, usually I'm kind of chill with everything, but sometimes it's like if someone filled my glass and the water just starts to pour out of it non stop. I panick as I feel I'm getting older and I'm not able to be intimate with anyone else, not sexually but romantically, I wish I could have a relationship and not have this lonely feeling
Hello! I can relate to a couple things you said. I feel your frustration. I also feel confusion a lot of time. I want a relationship with a girl, but yeah the idea of dealing with other people's judgements and opinions terrifies me. I've made some progress in accepting myself though. Even though it's taken a long time it's like I have to take it step by step and make an active effort. Have you tried reading LGBTQ+ books or watching movies. Personally that's really helped me accept it. There are some really good ones out there. Even if just watching a movie and seeing how normal and beautiful love can be no matter what and you feel okay with it just for a little bit that's progress. Just my two cents. I wish you the best.
It terrifies me to even start wondering how it would be to be with a guy on a relationship or actually inlove. I've been trying to abstain any kind of consideration of that idea, just because I'm afraid of letting go and making true the fact that I'm gay or bi or whatever. I watched Freefall, and The kids are all right, I enjoy whenever I see LGBTQ related stories, movies, series and stuff, but whenever I think of myself in place of the characters life, it gives me an awkward feeling, like it is just not right. As OnTheHighway said, it might be internalized homophobia, I don't feel good with the idea of not being straight, I kind of hate myself for that. My father gave me the opportunity to come out to him, he asked me: "Well, you know we're fine with your brother being gay and very supportive of him, so what about you?, You might as well just tell if you are... My natural response was: I'm not, If I was, I would already have told you. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???
That was a good opportunity, but he could give you a thousand opportunities and until you've accepted yourself for who you are that is just an uncomfortable thing to do for some people. Even if your father will be accepting of you for who you are there are still things you need to work through within yourself. I don't think there's anything wrong with you for that. It's not your fault for feeling that, it's hard to accept yourself when the message that society has sent you is that it's not okay to be who you are. You need to be patient with yourself because undoing that is definitely gonna take time! But I know it's hard I'm still working on it myself
Your dad probably knows. And you have in no way lost the opportunity to tell him. You could simply say that the question caught you off-guard and you weren't ready to answer. I've made similar responses back before I was out. (This happened up until my late 20s.) For some of us, the fear, guilt, and internalized homophobia makes it really difficult to come out. And then, we feel like we have waited so long that we can't. I think you are probably pretty close to being ready to do this. At a certain point, it will just be an exercise of ripping off the band-aid. And once you do, I think you will be a lot happier.
Whether you recognise or not, you might have built an emotional wall around yourself as a defensive mechanism to protect you from shame. In doing so, it also impedes your ability to be outwardly emotional which, in turn, can make intimacy difficult. After coming out and being authentic to yourself, working through the shame and internalised homophobia, you can bring down the emotional wall. When that happens, you might be able to embrace intimacy and be romantic.
A lot of the confusion comes from living in a heteronormative society. To compound that my mom, the matriarch of the family, is very religious and conservative. When i started noticing that i was checking out girls, not boys, around age 11 or 12 i immediately mislabelled these feelings. I didn't understand them and i only knew to look at them in the way i had been taught. I thought i was being rude and inappropriate, i told myself it was probably some stupid comparing sizes thing even though i figured it wasn't. ABove all i felt ashamed. But because i was raised so isolated and mom never had 'the talk' with me i did not know the significance of my actions. I threw myself into convincing myself i was normal, that i liked boys. I even got boy crushes. But it was a purely innocent crush - they were aesthetically pleasing, dressed well, and had a pretty face. That was literally it. I didn't want anything more from a boy either, i couldn't find the idea of dating or kissing or whatnot appealing. So i simply never dated and because i grew up alone and isolated, this was fine. I was under no pressure to date and my mom would much prefer i didn't anyways. If i would get put in a situation where girls were talking about something uncomfortable like a shirtless guy, i would try to play along but i'm terrible at acting. They saw through me, i feel like, but i think more of them thought i was just a prude and not that i was gay. I did get the gay question from time to time, and for some reason even if i believed it completely, saying 'i am straight' never felt right rolling off my tongue. The brain's a powerful thing. I convinced myself that i really did like boys, for years, that i was just being a dutiful, modest, studious daughter. I wish i had been brave enough to question it when i was younger instead of hiding behind all the excuses. Sorry i'm not relating this enough to your post, i'm too tired and i don't feel well atm so i am just sharing my story in hopes its even a little helpful.
