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Bursts of attraction which I HATE

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by jdulin, May 13, 2017.

  1. jdulin

    jdulin Guest

    Hello again :slight_smile: This post's going to contain both a lot of TMI and excessive amounts of self-reflection.
    I have a hard time setteling with my sexual identity. I simply feel I should like men, that I'm not trying enought to like them. I intentionally tried to force myself to like the opposite gender approximately since the age of 12 (faked crushes on them, and really tried to see them as attractive). I never wanted it though. Despite the fact that in my early years I was only attracted to other girls after entering high school I developed an intense crush on a guy. I was diagnosed with social anxiety at the time and he first approached me. I started to like him after he rejected me and since then he keeps sending me mixed signals. My feelings for him go constantly throughout phases of complete indifference and bursts of sexual attraction when he is around (I don't fantasize about him during summer and school breaks when he's not around). What's even more confusing I started to experience these weird and uncomfortable outbreaks of attraction for guys. And I hate it. For example I was casually talking with my male friend and out of nowhere I felt that I again this unwanted 'attraction' for him. These bursts occur at least a few times a day and they make me feel drained. I don't know anymore if it's a real interest in men or compulsory heterosexuality. I know I struggle with internalized misogyny on a daily basis.
     
  2. Nightdream

    Regular Member

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    Sounds like me most days. I can't really give much advice since I'm still trying to handle the way my attraction works and the internalized misogyny can be terrible. I can only say that, if you're confused about your sexual orientations, then my best advice is to consider if your attraction is, in any way, forced or something that comes even when you're not trying to feel anything. You must also keep in mind that straight or homosexual people get a constantly pattern of their attraction towards only one gender, but there can be a few exceptions. As for bisexual or pansexual people, it can be confusing since the attraction happens to more than one gender and it can happen in many different ways or intensity.

    Good luck with that and I'd suggest working with this internalized misogyny or even internalized homophobia. Keep and eye out on HOCD too.
     
  3. jdulin

    jdulin Guest

    Thank you for a reply. It's relieving that other people who feel same-sex attraction share similar experience. I feel like liking girls is more 'natural' for me (as a child, I couldn't develop even platonic crushes on men), yet I wonder if the fact that I in the end managed to create this forced interest in opposite sex means I'm in fact straight. Even though I hate it. I know it might sound stupid, but it's the way I feel.
     
  4. AbsoluteNerd

    Regular Member

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    Try not to force yourself into a nicely defined box. You don't need a label to be you. Try not to think about it too much. Take maybe a week or so of just going with the flow, then reflect on your attractions afterward. Trust me, it can help, though I know it's difficult to not think about it.