I'll try to keep this short since in reality there are just a lot of things going around in my brain right now and they scare me a bit. (edit: that didn't work at all, sorry I just kept adding stuff) I was fortunate to grow up with a lot of gay friends and I live in a pretty accepting neighborhood. I was assigned female at birth, and into my teen years, a lot of my close female friends were bisexual (more leaning towards gay) but I had no interest in figuring myself out like that, I assumed that I was just a straight girl. However, due to my exposure, I was pretty lax about sexuality and easily experimented with other girls, but I thought nothing of it, because I never developed any crushes on these girls since most of them were just my friends, and also since they didn't find the behavior odd like other people might have. Now also, I've always been more androgynous than most girls, and never felt like I could connect to them as much emotionally which is why I figured I wasn't attracted to them... I was forbidden from having male friends as a child, so once I reached puberty it was very easy for me to discern if I was attracted to a guy as opposed to not, since I never had to be confused since none were my friends, and also because there's a lot more exposure to heterosexuality in our culture. However... once I graduated highschool, I realized a large part of the reason I was filled with disdain and disgust towards other girls and femininity and therefore never wanted to pursue them was not only because of the stigma towards being gay, but because I was internally angry/conflicted since I discovered I was nonbinary and felt like so much of my life was spent forced into being a girl, I wanted to repel far away from them, and also because I had a lot of toxic friendships growing up, and I assumed if other gay girls were attracted to me, I thought it had to be because they would assume I was a girl and only like me for my femininity (which I was faking) which disgusted me. And also because I thought that if I expressed my true masculinity, no men would ever be interested in me again... so in general... I've now discovered after becoming more comfortable with my gender that I do sometimes have attraction towards other girls.... or rather, I can be attracted to anyone so long as they're the right person, it's just I typically prefer people who are calmer and more collected than me, and who act and present in a more masculine way, though obviously there can be exceptions. I've been in a relationship with a straight man for a while now, and we have a somewhat open relationship so recently I've also been having sex with a very feminine bisexual girl too... I think I get confused because I have much stronger emotional feelings towards him (rightfully so, I've known him longer), so I fear eventually my brain will just block out girls altogether since I desire more emotional attachment to a partner anyway (also, the girl is okay with, we're all consenting but she's free to do as she pleases and isn't tied down to us)... but, I think it's bad that I'm using just two individuals as the entire basis of my sexuality? I just don't understand why I can accept that I like men without question, but even when I regularly keep encountering other females, I just keep doubting it and keep trying to push it away, maybe because I don't feel good enough, or don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to accidentally fulfill that stigma of growing tired of someone, or being indecisive of how I feel and getting ridiculed or shunned, etc. etc...... But... I'm also very afraid that this is just too much work, and that one day I might grow out of being attracted to people other than men because I don't want to deal with a lot of adversity... and also because I feel I tend to become more emotionally attached easily to men and masculine nonbinary people, etc. ...I don't want to still be holding the stigma that a gay woman could only be attracted to my femininity... but I don't want to be seen as a woman... but, I don't want straight men just overlooking my gender either just because I just dress androgynously.... I know I'm generalizing a lot into labels, but I feel like there's so much judgement towards someone when their sexuality is basically "I like what I like" because then you get people who are like "oh, well one day you'll just grow tired of me because you'll have decided to pick the other side and I'll just get tossed aside, so we shouldn't date". I just feel completely stuck in the middle and like I don't really belong anywhere. I'm afraid I might one day grow attracted to a man and just prove someone who has judged me right and "grow out of" my attraction. Or worse, if that did happen then I'd have to sacrifice my gender because of it too, which honestly just gives me a lot of grief to think about since I already have fairly active dysphoria. I've never really had any other nonbinary friends in real life before. Help? Can anyone relate? Am I just endlessly trying to find reasons to hate myself and deny who I am? I just want to be good enough for someone without always trying to hide half of myself or get stuck in the middle?
