What is the difference between aesthetic, platonic, romantic and sexual attraction? Ever since I came out as a lesbian, I've been doing a lot of research about self discovery, the different types of attraction, etc. and I've started to question myself. Am I really a lesbian? Do I actually like girls or do I just like them better than I like guys? Do I like sex? Inevitably my research led me to asexuality, and with that, aromanticism. Here I've talked a bit about the 'attraction' that I've felt for people in the past. To elaborate on that, in elementary I had 'crushes' on guys that I found attractive looking, but now that I think about it, I never actually wanted to date them. I just thought that they were really good looking. In elementary I always hung out with girls and the few guy friends I had were like bros to me and nothing more. Even at that age, there were some female classmates of mine or swimming teachers I had who were slightly older that I 'wanted to be like', that I looked up to. I realize now that my feelings for other girls were not idolization, but more like infatuation, or some level of 'I'd like to get to know them better'. In high school, it was pretty much the same: all female friends, I occasionally 'checked other girls out' thinking it was just because they were really good looking and nothing more, but the 'crushes' I had on guys stopped. Now I'm in university and most guys I see aren't appealing in that way. Being kind of out of the closet (only a handful of people know) I've allowed myself to be more 'me', and I now consciously check out other girls knowing that I'm doing it because I like them or that I'd want to date them. The only problem is that I don't actually know if I'd want to be on a date with someone. I've never been on a date or in a relationship before. The concept of being with someone appeals to me, to have that intimacy, to have someone who's there for you, someone to cuddle with, someone to share your life with all sounds like stuff I would want. I just don't know whether I'd want to have sex with them. The idea of having sex with a man turns me off, while the idea of having sex with a woman sounds appealing, but I don't know if I'd want it at the moment, if that makes any sense. In researching aromanticism, I've seen a few people say that if you can't differentiate between the different types of attraction, it's possible that you may be aromantic. I'm open to the idea of possibly being aro, it's just that I don't think I am? I have problems telling what the difference between platonic and romantic attraction is and what the difference between romantic and sexual attraction is. Like I understand that platonic attraction is between friends and that romantic attraction should be something more, but shouldn't you be friends with the person you're attracted to? Where is the line between friends and something more? And for romantic and sexual attraction I get that sexual attraction is wanting to have sex/be intimate with the person, but if that's sexual attraction then what exactly is romantic attraction?
Hi jj, It would be hard to add to your well-researched and well-written post. It seems to me that there is a progression, in just the order you listed in your first sentence: aesthetic, platonic, romantic, sexual. For me, they are almost necessary steps, to be taken in sequence. (Aka demisexual.) Where is the line? It's like asking where does a cloud stop/start. To leave some space for others to leap in here, I'll just say what is my own opinion of your last question. To me, romantic attraction is when you can't stop thinking about someone, when those thoughts make you happy, when the day brightens when he/she is with you, when you contemplate moving in/sharing a life -- and it feels exciting instead of scary. Of course, it comes with a feeling inside that is hard to describe -- people often say "warm and fuzzy". All that can be indepdent of sex, although for me, once I've soaked in the romance for a while, I get very interested in the body of her/him. (Usually her for me.) Like I want to closely examine it all over with all my senses (esp. smell and taste) and the thought of doing so gets me clearly aroused. That's sexual attraction. So what about those times when I'm walking along the street, and have to turn my head to get a longer look at some beautiful face/chest/legs/hair? I understand that some people feel this is objectifying, but in my own mind it seems less negative: I get a small "warm-fuzzy" that i would call aesthetic. As in "Yow god was having a good day when he made her. Good to know such beauty exists." That leaves platonic. That is the trickiest of all. I've mansplained enough. I hope some others can contribute. I would have left this one alone, except that your postings are usually thoughtful, good contributions to EC.
I think intellectualizing will only take you so far. Beyond that, what's left is experience. There is no substitute for it. Intellectualizing can sometimes lead to incorrect conclusions because we're still doing it within the context of our current understanding and prejudices. For me, going back a number of years, I knew that I wanted to experience what being intimate with another male would be like. In other words, I was open to the experience. However, what surprised me completely was how easy and "right" it felt. That was totally unexpected. I didn't feel weird or shameful. It was like being away for an exceedingly long time and finding your way back home. Anyway, I don't know how I would have eventually come to the understanding and conclusions I did without experience. I'm not sure how you could. However, there are some things to remember. When events involve other people, it crosses a line. You don't want to be preceived as a person who tricked or deceived someone else. They deserve the chance to try to understand your reality and what you are struggling with. Going for coffee or having lunch probably doesn't require telling your story, but when there is the possibility that things could become intimate, it's only fair to tell where things sit for you. If things do heat up and you pull back, people usually like to have some idea about what's going on... DeeAnn
Hey, I'm not trying to jump on the offensive or anything, but to clarify do you mean that only demisexuals go through these steps (aesthetic, platonic, romantic, sexual attraction)? Do other people not experience this as well? Because while I agree that there is some form of progression through these steps to be made in any relationship (friendship or otherwise), I don't this it's necessary to be aesthetically attracted to all my friends... Thanks, your explanation of the different types of attraction helped me quite out a bit.
Hi DeeAnn, To be honest, I was intellectualizing about it even before I officially came out, but I've been really trying to figure it out now because I think I have more than platonic feelings for my best friend and I've been trying to decide whether or not it's a good idea to tell her. Kind of like beenthrdonetht said, I love being around her, it makes me happy to see her, to be with her, going that extra mile just for a few minutes with her is worth it (although to be honest she's gone the extra mile more than I have, literally). Even prior to coming to terms with being a lesbian, I had thought about moving in with her, having a life with her. Although at the time I thought it was merely platonic, friends being roommates, I see now that it's more than that. I've thought about us waking up together, being domestic, arguing over stupid things. At the risk of sounding really cheesy, she is my everything, being with her feels like home. I still don't know how I feel on the sex front, not only where my friend is concerned, but just in general. I understand that I need experience to really figure myself out, but at the same time I want to figure myself out with her, if that makes sense. I'm comfortable talking to her about anything and I think the same goes for her? Granted some subjects are more touchy just because they're not things we usually talk about but it's pretty much a free for all when it comes to openness. I'm just afraid that if I tell her about how I feel it's going to be the thing that pushes our friendship too far and that it might tear us apart.
Definitely don't want to restrict this path to demisexuals. In fact, I use the term not-quite-seriously. For pretty much the same reason you say: probably most people go through those stages more-or-less. That's why on EC there is a (reasonable) attitude that demisexual is an unnecessary category which just means "most people". I used to be a little less this way, and could jump right into the fourth step. Now, if I try... it just doesn't work. My body reminds me I've skipped some steps.
